


Black Hole

by aliensinflowercrowns



Series: Sincerely Me: Live and In Concert [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, F/F, M/M, Slow Burn, band!au, because I LIVE for the murphy siblings, but like evan and everyone else will show up I promise, evan jared and alana are in a band, the first few chapters focus just on connor and zoe and their relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-11-17 12:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 50,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11275152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliensinflowercrowns/pseuds/aliensinflowercrowns
Summary: in which evan is in a band, connor is in a bad place, and things sort of spiral from there





	1. The Most Amazing Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor is angry, Zoe is annoyed, and we get this shit started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, self harm, panic attacks, and some homophobic slurs.

Connor Murphy hated his life. He hated himself, he hated his parents, and he hated his sister with her ridiculous yellow VW bug and her whiny hipster “music.” He hated that he had to ride shotgun on his first day of senior year, chauffeured around by his annoying little sister.

“Will you stop sulking!” Zoe snapped over the music, snapping him out of his introspective pity-and-angst-fest.

“I’m not sulking, Zoe, I’m being perfectly fucking reasonable for someone in my situation!” He growled, tugging on the strap of his messenger bag and burrowing into the tan pleather seat. Even though he wasn’t looking at her, Connor could practically hear Zoe rolling her eyes.

“You wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t gotten so many fucking speeding tickets!” Zoe responded, matching his aggravated tone.

Connor scoffed. Logically, he knew she was right, and his parents taking away his car was probably better than getting his license suspended. Besides, riding with Zoe wasn’t terrible, and it was worlds better than taking the bus, but he was mad and didn’t want to give his sister any sort of satisfaction.

After a moment of relative silence, Zoe reached over and turned up the music, quietly singing along with the words. Connor was vaguely familiar with this band. Whenever Zoe was having a Teenage Girl Drama Session she played their music obnoxiously loud and it streamed through their shared wall.

“Oh my god my morning is already bad enough, must I be subjected to your auditory indie fuckery?” Connor asked. He was still pissed at her for the milk incident earlier, and so was being a bit more of a dick than usual.

“First of all, my car, my music,” Zoe said. “And second of all, I think you’d like this band. They sing about like depression and mental illness and all that. Isn’t that like, your thing?”

“My _thing_? Zoe I do not own mental illness. If you ask Larry, I don’t even have one.”

“Yeah well if you ask Larry, Marco Rubio would have made a good president and the Washington Redskins having to change their name is an example of PC culture gone too far.”

“Larry’s such an asshole,” Connor said quietly. The siblings sighed together. They could always bond over a shared distaste for the general existence of their father.

“Seriously though,” Zoe said, pulling the conversation back to music. “Just because they aren’t Effervescence doesn’t mean they aren’t good! Their songwriter is probably one of the most gifted people of our generation, and he’s only seventeen!”

“Okay, okay. Shut up so I can actually hear it.”

Zoe’s eyes lit up. “This is one of my favorite songs, actually. It’s off their first album ‘ _The Most Amazing Trees_ ’.”

“The fuck kind of a name is that?” Connor asked.

“Shhh!” Zoe reached for the dial, turning up a few notches.

“ _Cause all that it takes is a little re-in-ven-tion!_

_It’s easy to change if you give it your at-ten-tion!_

_All ya gotta do is just believe you can be who you want to be,_

_Sincerely me!_ ”

Connor reached out and angrily turned off the stereo.

“What the hell?” Zoe asked, fixing him with an annoyed look.

“That’s not singing about mental illness, Zoe. That’s ‘it gets better, just hold on’ Hallmark bullshit.”

“You know Connor, just because not they’re not espousing the benefits of quietly cutting yourself in the bathroom while high off your ass doesn’t mean that it’s bullshit!” Still, she didn’t turn the music back on as they pulled into the high school parking lot. Connor gripped his messenger bag and exited the car in fury, slamming the door behind him.

“You’re welcome for the ride!” Zoe called after him, voice biting with sarcasm.

“Fuck you!” Connor yelled across the parking lot, not caring who saw. He was just Crazy Connor Murphy, the kid who threw a printer at Mrs. G. in  the second grade, being a usual grade-A asshole to his poor, “adorkable” little sister.

Connor briefly thought about going to class, but then remember the comments his parents had made in the morning, and decided to read in the computer lab instead. He knew it was odd to go to the computer lab to read, but the library was a sparsely populated wasteland held under the hawk like eye of the librarian. Besides, Connor was pretty sure your standard crackhouse had more books than that glorified janitors closet. The computer lab was a bustling hub of energy that still had enough dark corners for him to block out the world, and the supervisor was a student volunteer who wanted an elective credit with no effort.

Connor was also sure that Zoe wouldn’t look for him here. She had no reason to look for him anyway, but occasionally she heard rumors that some kid had gotten their head shoved in a toilet and wanted to make sure that it wasn’t Connor’s fault. Or maybe she hoped it was. Either way, Zoe would expect him to be getting high behind the school, which, sure, he did, but not nearly enough as she believed.

He pulled “The Little Prince” out of his bag. He’d read it over twenty times, and had reached that sweet period with a favorite book where it no longer feels like you’re reading the story, rather allowing the words to envelope you in the comforting embrace of well worn pulpy pages and flowing stories that feel like home. Reading and dancing had been Connor’s passions for his entire life, and when he was fourteen and his father pulled him out of tap class, deeming it “too gay for a teenage boy,” and replaced his tap shoes for a baseball glove, reading had become his only escape. For Connor, books were less of a hobby and more of a much needed life raft pulling him out of his stormy reality.

He plugged in his earbuds and put on a playlist (that included no songs by Effervescence, fuck you Zoe). Normally, Connor wouldn’t be able to concentrate on reading if he was listening to music, but he didn’t have to worry about losing his place with “The Little Prince.” He could just dissociate all day and everyone would think he looked either studious or broody. So, that’s exactly what he did.

***

3:22 pm

From: The Asshole

where the fuck are you ???

 

3:25 pm

From: The Asshole

zoe ive been standing outside ur yellow monstrosity for like a half hour where hte fuck are you

 

3:36 pm

From: The Asshole

u fuxking butch im gonna hotwire ur car and drive it home

 

3:36 pm

From: The Asshole

***bitch

 

3:37 pm

From: The Asshole

gotta spell my insults correctly. see,, public education hasnt been wasted on me. on a separate note…. WHERE IN THE MOTHER FUCK ARE YOU???????

 

3:39 pm

From: Z

Jesus Connor! I’m in jazz band practice! I’ll be done at four thirty! Stop blowing up my phone or Mrs. McCall will confiscate it.

 

3:41 pm

From: Z

Also I sincerely doubt you’d be able to hotwire my car. Just sayin.

 

Connor huffed and shoved his phone in his pocket. Of fucking course he was going to have to stay at school until four thirty! He was so pissed at his parents. He wanted his car back. He wanted to be able to leave. He hated feeling trapped. Fuck. Connor felt his heart start to speed up. Why the hell was he freaking out? It wasn’t a big deal! Zoe would be done with Jazz Band practice soon and then he could go home. He needed his headphones. Music could usually pull him back from the precipice before he fell into an abyss of blind panic.

“Hey fag! Nice hair length!” Connor’s head snapped up. He saw a pickup truck speeding towards him, and then a cup of warm soda was in his face and hair and on the front of his shirt. He looked like a sad glee reject.

Connor couldn’t take it. He felt himself falling into a state of raw emotion. His fingers shook as tears formed in the corners of his eyes. His skin felt too tight. He started to scratch his neck, as if to peel away the suffocating coating and give his body the permission to take up a comfortable amount of space. His stood like that, hunched over, loud, choked breathing, eyes cloudy but no tears actually falling, until Zoe met him near the car.

“Okay! I’m here now! We can leave!” She yelled, a scowl already on her face as she approached him. “Connor?” She walked toward him, closer than she’d been in weeks. “Connor what the fuck is wrong with you?” She placed a hand on his shoulder. He jumped up and his body went rigid.

“Are you alright?” Zoe asked, concern written all over her face.

“I-I’m fine,” Connor replied. His skin was buzzing, his mind spinning the world in strange patterns all around him.

“You’re bleeding.” Zoe reached out to touch his neck but Connor stepped back shakily.

“It’s alright. Lets just go.” He felt like a dog trying to blend in with a pile of stuffed animals. The world did not stabilize in Zoe’s car, it kept on tilting, speeding up, and slowing down.

They arrived at home. Connor ignored his parents, gripping onto the railing as he pulled himself upstairs, until he was able to collapse onto his bed, messenger bag still slung across his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoooooly shit. so this is my first dear evan hansen fanfiction but also like my first published fanfiction!! I hope you guys like it. Hopefully I'll be able to update every few days. 
> 
> pls comment i have a family to feed
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns i scream about musicals and depression))


	2. Bad Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the siblings make a deal, larry is an ass, and connor's middle name is revealed to the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self harm, swearing, larry murphy

“Connor!”

“Connor!”

“CONNOR LAZARUS MURPHY!” 

“Zoe will you please go get your brother!” 

Connor woke to Zoe violently shaking him awake. 

“Oh my god,” She said, once he’d regained consciousness. “You look like shit.” 

“Wow. Love you too,” Connor responded, throwing off his bag and shoes and sitting up. She did have a point. Connor could feel the dried soda in his hair and the dried blood on his neck. His clothes were rumpled from sleep, and his face was probably puffy and sticky. Connor sighed. “Will you just tell mom and Larry that I’m not feeling well. I need to clean up.” Zoe made a sour face. 

“If you aren’t there to absorb all their bullshit, I’m just gonna get criticized for an hour.” Connor cut her a look. She scoffed. “Fine! But only because you look so pathetic.” 

“Sister of the year,” Connor muttered. 

“You’re an asshole!” Zoe said, shutting the door behind her. 

Connor let out a long, defeated sigh before pushing himself out of bed. He ducked into his bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror for a long while before peeling off his clothes and hopping in the shower. The hot water stung his neck, but he didn’t mind. Connor was used to scalding showers irritating fresh wounds. 

Connor stepped out of the shower, running a fluffy towel through his long hair. He grabbed a bottle of black nail polish. Painting his nails was therapeutic for Connor. 

He threw on some pajamas, and set the towel on his floor, losing himself in the black brush strokes while music filtered in from another room. He’d just finished his left hand when Zoe unceremoniously barged in, neglecting the “knock first or die” rule Connor had had since age eleven. 

“What the shit?” Connor asked her. 

“Shut up. Seriously. Just… just shut up.” Zoe was clutching her phone like it was the holy grail, her eyes glued to the screen. Connor could hear someone’s tinny voice through the small speakers. He grunted as he got up off the floor to look over her shoulder. 

A nerdy looking guy with glasses was beaming on the screen. A girl sat next to him holding a clipboard, also with glasses and also beaming. She was in the middle of a sentence. 

“Anaheim, St. Louis, Seattle, we’re going all over the map!” She said.

The boy chimed in. “We hope that you’ll join us on  _ Sincerely Me _ ’s first national tour,  _ The You Will Be Found Tour _ !” They both waved and a set of dates flashed on the screen before the video ended. 

Zoe looked at Connor, her face splitting into a brilliant smile. 

“What?” Connor asked. He got the feeling he wasn’t going to like whatever she was saying. 

“So you know that band I was playing for you this morning?” She asked, her voice tentative. 

“Ugh,” Connor scoffed. 

Zoe ignored him. “They’re going on tour, and they’re coming to a city a few hours from here and Ireallywanttoseethemandwillyoupleasecomewithme?” 

“Why  _ the fuck _ would I do that?” Connor glared at her. “Get the hell out of my room.” 

Zoe made an undignified distressed sound. “ _ Connor! _ ” She whined, not getting the hell out of his room in any way shape or form. 

“Zoe, I am not going to chaperone you for some dumb concert. Ask Cynthia or Larry. Or just go alone. I don’t see why you’re asking me, considering you hate me.” 

“I don’t - ugh - I don’t  _ hate _ you Connor. And do you remember when dad took us to the Fall Out Boy Concert? I do not need a repeat of that!” 

“Then go alone!” 

“There’s no way in hell mom is going to let me do that! She never lets me do anything except babysit you!”

There was a tense silence in the room as the siblings glared at each other. 

“Besides,” Zoe said, eyes narrow. “You owe me.”

“For  _ what _ ?” Connor scoffed. 

Zoe had a devilish look in her eyes. “For not telling mom and dad where your weed stash is.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “You don’t know where my weed stash is.”

Zoe cocked an eyebrow. “Are you sure about that? Bottom right dresser drawer shoved in a striped sock.”

Connor blanched. “Well then I’ll just move it!”

“You won’t have time if I yell right now.” 

“You wouldn’t.”

Zoe took a deep breath. 

“ _ Fine! _ ” Connor put up a hand to stop her. “Under one condition. You have to get me my car back.” 

Zoe beamed. “Deal!” She said excitedly. “I’ll go talk to mom!” She skipped out of the room leaving Connor alone to ponder what the fuck he’d just gotten himself into. 

~

“Absolutely not, Zoe,” Larry sighed, not even looking up from his newspaper. Apparently the talks from the night before had been unsuccessful, so Zoe had brought up the concert again at breakfast. 

“ _ Why _ not dad?” She whined, dragging out the second “d” in “dad” just to be annoying. 

“It’s too dangerous.”

“Mom! Talk some sense into him!” 

“Zoe, you father has a point,” Cynthia frowned slightly, heaping more eggs onto Connor’s plate. Connor hated eggs. 

Zoe harrumphed. “What kind of point does he have! I can take care of myself! I’m sixteen!” She crossed her arms, looking less like an independent young woman and more like an impudent child. 

“A sixteen year old girl alone in the city is not a good idea,” Cynthia said. “Maybe if someone were to go with you… but your dad is busy and I’ve got a retreat. I’m sorry hun. Maybe next time.”

Zoe smirked. This was what she had been waiting for. “But I _ won’t _ be alone,” she said.

“How do you mean?” Her mother asked, finally sitting down at the table. 

“Connor’s going to come with me.” Zoe had a shit-eating grin on her face. Both of their parents looked shocked. Connor didn’t  _ do _ things, especially not for other people. 

Larry gave him a look like the-fuck-are-you-playing-at-punk-ass-bitch. Connor fought to keep a completely indifferent face. 

“Is-is this true, Connor?” Cynthia asked, barely disguising the rising hope in her voice. 

“Yeah,” Connor said, not looking up from his eggs. They were yellow and weird and tasted dry. 

“Why?” Larry asked suspiciously, finally putting down his paper to glare at his son. 

“Because there’s a nice crack house there that I’d like to try out,” Connor almost said, but for the sake of his car, he went with something else. “I just like their music. Jesus not everything I do has some sinister ulterior motive.” That was true. This specific thing, however, did have some sinister ulterior motive. 

“Oh Larry, I think it’s a great idea! I mean, we’re always pushing them to spend more quality time with each other, and now they’re doing it on their own!” Cynthia exclaimed. She was, in fact, always pushing them to spend more time with each other. Larry, however, could not give less of a shit, and if he was forced to care, would probably rather they stayed far away from each other, so Connor had no way to corrupt Zoe. 

He sighed loudly. “Alright. But if anything goes wrong, you’re both grounded.” 

“Yay!” Zoe squealed, getting up to hug both her parents. Connor briefly considered acknowledging that a decision had been made, but ultimately decided against it. 

“Okay. So I’ve held up my end of the bargain. When am I getting my car back?” Connor asked once he and Zoe were in the bug. 

“Jesus Christ, Connor give me some time,” Zoe said, not looking away from the road. “The concert isn’t even until November. I promise you, you’ll get your greasy black angst-mobile back before then.”

There was a beat of silence. 

“But ya know,” Zoe continued. “It would be easier if you like… stopped doing bad shit.”

“Bad shit?” Connor raised his eyebrows.

“Skipping class, doing drugs, generally just being a douche.” 

“Shit Zoe, that’s like all that I do.” Connor deadpanned. 

“I’m serious! Larry’s an ass but you don’t make it easy on him.”

“Because I do,” Connor cranked his voice up to an exaggerated falsetto, “ _ bad shit _ ?”  

“Shut the fuck up!” Zoe said, but Connor could see she was smiling. His chest flipped in a weird, satisfied way. He forgot how much he liked his sister, on account of usually sorting her his under “total douche-canoe” category of people. But she was nice. She deserved good things. Which reminded him of the reason he put her under the “total douche-canoe” category in the first place. Connor was not a good thing. He needed to save his sister from himself. Connor was a black hole, sucking light from everything he touched. He wouldn’t let his little sister be collateral damage in the minefield that was his life. 

“Hey so, I was thinking we could go to A La Mode after school today, as like belated first day of school ice cream treat,” Zoe said, her voice hopeful. She purposefully wasn’t looking at him. “Ya know, like we used to?”

“Why the fuck would I want to do that?” Connor said, his voice flat. His heart ached. But he had to shut her down. He wouldn’t let her think he was more than a collection of broken parts. More than the mess that he was. It was for the best. “We’re not little kids, Zoe. God. Grow up.”  _ Black hole black hole black hole black hole _ . 

Connor could feel Zoe shut down. “Right yeah no it was stupid. Forgive me for trying to be nice to you cause you don’t have any friends.”

Neither sibling said anything for the rest of the ride. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like I said that I wasn't going to update tomorrow but I have like a lot of this written in advance and crave that sweet validation. 
> 
> pls comment my wife is dying
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I cry about Connor Murphy and being gay))


	3. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor is depressed, zoe is drunk, and time passes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Self Harm, Alcohol

The rest of Connor’s month passed by in blur. In fact, he wasn’t even sure if it happened. He wasn’t sure if it had been a week, a month, or a day. School settled into a routine of other seniors being assholes to him, freshman being scared of him, and teachers being annoying. Not to him specifically but just in general. Some kid killed herself, and everyone flipped their collective shit. He wondered if they would do the same for him once he inevitably offed himself. He fucking hoped not. He didn’t need these assholes fake crying in the cafeteria because they wanted attention. Someone started a facebook group for her. It was like suicide porn. Then, two weeks later, they all forgot she’d ever existed at all. 

~

Connor laid on the floor in his room, the world spinning above him. He wasn’t sure if it was the pain from the fresh cuts on his arm, the papery feeling in his brain, or a side effect from the drugs he took, but it felt like the entire world had been put through a fun house mirror. 

Connor let out a long sigh. He wanted to read. He wanted to get up. He wanted to stop. He wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to stop, but he knew he wanted it to s t o p. He fell asleep on the floor. 

~

It was October fifteenth. Or maybe sixteenth. Or maybe fourteenth. It didn’t really matter. Connor didn’t have school today. He was in his bed. He’d fallen asleep in his clothes last night (again) and was trying to muster up the courage to brush his teeth. He didn’t really think his limbs would work if he tested them, though. 

Someone pounded on his door. It was probably Zoe. Larry would just walk in, and Cynthia knocked very tentatively. Connor made a noise in the back of his throat, signalling her to come in. They hadn’t spoke since the second day of school, when he shot down her offer to get ice cream. She’d still be chauffeuring him around, and it was awkward as hell. 

She walked in, a scowl on her face, and flung something onto his bed. It was his car keys.

“The concerts in three weeks. I’ve already got your ticket. Now you have your car back, so you can’t back out,” She said, clearly still mad at him. He wasn’t sure if she was still made at him for A la Mode of if she was just mad at him in general. He wouldn’t blame her either way. 

She drummed her fingers against the doorframe impatiently. “Well?” 

Connor opened his mouth. It felt weird. “Yeah. I’ll be there. Don’t worry. And uh. Thanks.” His words felt foreign, like there was someone else saying them. 

Zoe gave him a strange look. “Connor,” she said. “Are you alright?” Connor gave her a vacant stare. Finally, he spoke. 

“I’m fine,” He said, not being able to focus his eyes on anything. He wished he knew where his glasses were.

“Are you high?” 

No. “Yeah.”

Zoe scoffed and left the room, slamming the door behind her. Connor finally got up. One his wrists was red and angry, with a jagged cut, and his sheets were stained with blood. He looked at them quizzically, not remembering how it happened. Then he threw up. 

~

From: M

6:27 pm

Connor? Connor are you awake? It’s mom

 

From: Connor

6:28 pm

ye mom im up. aslo you dont have to tell me who it is i know

 

From: M

6:28 pm

Okay honey. Your father and I are at a party and Zoe’s out with friends. Do you think you could handle the trick-or-treaters?

 

From: Connor

6:31 pm

wat the motherfuck is it halloween?

 

From: M

6:32 pm

Yes.

 

From: M

6:32 pm

And also watch your language. 

 

From: M

6:32 pm

So will you do it? Please?

 

From: Connor

6:33 pm

ya i guess so

 

From: M

Thanks love! Your father and I won’t be home until late, and I think Zoe’s sleeping over at her friends. There are leftovers in the fridge! 

 

When Connor was little, Halloween was his favorite holiday. He dressed up as spiderman one year and won the costume party in his kindergarten classroom. That was a good memory. A memory of Connor before he was so fucked up. He also liked kids. They didn’t mind that he didn’t like to talk much, because they would talk for hours. They always complimented his hair and didn’t seem to think he was scary. 

His mother had bought a giant bag of candy, so he gave each kid three pieces, and in return they gave him smiles of pure joy. Connor felt a little more like a person and a little less like a monster. It helped that he was sneaking himself quite a bit of candy. 

He retired to his room to read Stephen King novels at around ten, because the trick-or-treating crowd had become less adorable children and more obnoxious drunk teenagers, and Connor didn’t need his peers ruining his good mood. 

He was about to fall asleep when someone cracked his door open. It was Zoe. 

“Zoe, what the fuck?” Connor said. “It’s like,” he checked his phone, “two am. Why are you in my room?”

Zoe giggled, then said in an exaggerated whisper. “Sorry! I thought it was my room.” She flipped his light off and snort laughed. She closed the door, and Connor heard a loud thump from the hallway, followed by a yelp. He got out of bed and opened the door once again, to find his giggling sister laying on the floor in front of him. 

“Zoe…” He said tentatively. “Are you drunk?”

“Nooooooooo,” She said, smiling up at him. 

“Okay. Time for bed.” He helped her to her feet and gently guided her to her bedroom.

“Ya know, Connor,” Zoe said. “You’re nice sometimes.”

“Wow. Really? I had no idea,” Connor said sarcastically. 

Zoe giggled. “Yeah.” She stopped for a minute, causing Connor to bump into her. “But sometimes, you’re really mean.” She frowned. “You hurt my feelings. And I don’t understand why. How can you go from laughing with me in the car to screaming that you’re going to kill me?” 

Connor felt like she’d stabbed him in the chest. “I’m… I’m sorry, Zo,” He said quietly. 

“It’s okay. I just wish nice Connor would come back. I miss him. I miss you.” Tears welled up in her eyes. Or maybe in his. God damn it, why did his sister have to be an honest drunk.

“I know, Zo. I miss me too.” His voice was tender. He picked up his little sister gingerly and tucked her into bed. She pawed at his hair.

“I love your long hair. Dad doesn’t, but I do. I don’t care if it makes you look gay.” 

Connor chuckled. “Go to sleep, Zo.” He lightly pecked her forehead. He hoped she wouldn’t remember this. He also hoped she would. 

“Connor!” She called out, right as he was about to leave. “I don’t care if your hair makes you look gay because so does mine. Cause I’m gay. And so is my hair.” She was silent for a minute. “I just… um… I just wanted you to know that.”

Connor closed the door and went back to his own room without saying anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have this written up to like chapter seven and that's why the updates are so frequent. We'll see what happens next time I hit a writers block... 
> 
> pls comment because I screen shot them all
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I yell about michael mell and the government))


	4. A Soft Place To Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which zoe drinks coffee, connor eats waffles, and the siblings hit the road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Food, and a brief mention of self harm

Connor was awoken at six am on Thursday, November second by his sister banging on his door. He was starting to get sick of Zoe banging on his door. He stomped over to the door, swinging it open. 

“What the fuck Zoe? We don’t have to be up for school until seven. Wait. Fuck. Is it daylight savings?”

“No, dumbass! And we aren’t  _ going _ to school. It’s  _ Sincerely M _ e concert weekend!” She did a nerdy little dance of excitement. 

“Oh shit I totally forgot about that.” 

“I know. That’s why I woke you up. The concert is tomorrow at seven but I want us to get there today, early enough to have dinner. Then tomorrow we hang out, see the sights and all that shit, and we leave Saturday, home by eight, so I can make Anita’s birthday party.” 

“Right yeah so that is  _ way _ too much information to dump on me a six in the mother fucking morning. Just tell me what I have to do like, right now.” Connor yawned loudly for emphasis. 

“Okay so, I… need… you… to… pack… then… meet… me… downstairs… for… breakfast… I… would… like… to… leave… by… nine.” Zoe said, very very slowly, eyes open wide and over-enunciating like Emma Watson in the first Harry Potter movie. 

Connor laughed. “Yeah yeah okay thanks, asshole.”

Zoe flashed him a smile. “You’re welcome douche bag. I’ll see you downstairs.  _ I’m so excited _ !”

Connor smiled at his sister’s happiness as he closed the door. They hadn’t really spoken since the Halloween Incident a few days ago, but Zoe’s overall attitude towards him had been much cheerier, so he assumed either a- she was just happy about the concert, b- she remembered he helped her but none of the specifics, or c- she remembered everything and was trying to play nice until they got on the road and she could confront him. But there was nothing he could do about it now, so he tried his best to put it out of his mind. (It did not work.)

Connor quickly hopped in the shower, hoping it would wake him up. He got dressed and brushed his teeth, then grabbed some random clothes off his floor and shoved them into an old backpack from the seventh grade. He also stuffed his toothbrush and toothpaste in an old grocery bag and added that to the backpack. He took his wallet, three books (The Little Prince, Looking for Alaska, and Jurassic Park), and, just in case, his pocket knife. He felt a deep swell of shame in the pit of his stomach as he added that to the bag, but he was being unrealistic if he thought he could get through three days without it. Besides, he would have more of an urge if he knew he couldn’t. He was being pragmatic, really. He briefly considered bringing his homework, but the idea seemed so ridiculous that he actually laughed out loud. Connor usually aced tests, so he was able to get barely passing grades without doing much else. All Connor wanted to do with his life was be a librarian, and maybe write in his spare time, but only for himself. Remember writing, he grabbed his laptop and charger, and his phone charger as well, then zipped up the backpack. 

When he got downstairs, Zoe handed him a steaming cup of coffee. He took a sip, and it was perfect. Lots of milk, lots of cream, lots of whipped cream, some sugar, cinnamon, and chocolate shavings, and barely any coffee. Zoe, who drank black coffee like some sort of godless heathen, always made fun of his drink. Or at least she used to. 

“You have a whipped cream mustache,” she remarked with a smile. Connor remembered something he used to do to make her laugh when he was thirteen and was just starting to drink coffee. He took another sip, purposely sticking his top lip into the frothy topping so that his chocolate-cinnamon-sugar-whipped cream mustache was voluminous and fluffy. Zoe giggled into her own cup, her eyes bright. Connor licked off the whipped cream, going cross eyed as he did it. 

Zoe went quiet for a minute. “So,” she said, her eyes boring into the floor. “Do you maybe want to… go somewhere for breakfast?”

Connor bit his lip.  _ Black hole black hole black hole black hole _ . He looked at Zoe. Her shoulders were tense. She reminded him of a kicked puppy. He could push her away some other time. 

“Yeah. Sure. You want to go to Madda’s?” He tried to sound nonchalant.

“Um. Yeah. I mean. Why not,” Zoe said, trying to suppress a smile. 

Connor finished his coffee in one more sip. “You ready to go?” He asked, eyes raised. 

“Yeah. You’re driving.” The siblings shoved their bags into the back seat and their asses into the front. 

Zoe reached for the aux cord.

“Hold on a minute,” Connor said, shooting her a look. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“Since we’re going to a  _ Sincerely Me _ concert, you have to be at least familiar with the music!” Zoe said. Connor’s furrowed brow deepened. Zoe sighed. “And you can choose the music on the way back. All the emo shit you want, with no complaints from me.” 

Connor scoffed. “Fine,” He said. 

~

Neither Connor nor Zoe had been to Madda’s in quite some time. The Murphy family used to have Sunday brunch at the small diner every week, but over the years they went less and less, until they stopped altogether. 

Connor pulled his car into the parking lot. The building was a cheery brick structure with handmade signs hanging in the windows. Once they got in they were greeted by a young looking waitress with pink hair. She sat them at a booth in the corner and took their drink orders.

“Do you remember,” Zoe said once they had left. “When we were like, twelve? And mom was sick so we came here with just you and me and dad? And… and dad ordered extra crispy bacon but the waitress brought just regular bacon and he  _ flipped his shit _ ?”

Connor did remember. “God,” he said. “He just screamed at her. I think he made the poor girl cry!”

“And then we left without paying, and we got in the car, and he and you got into that massive fight!” Connor hadn’t remember that part. Zoe went on. “You were so mad, because you said we couldn’t ever go back there again. You told him he’d completely ruined it. He’d ruined the day. And he tried to get you to calm down, said he had lost his temper, and that we could go to A la Mode, but you said it didn’t matter. And then he said maybe if you weren’t so  _ fucking _ sensitive… and” she laughed, bitterly, drily. “Then you grabbed the car keys and threw them at him. Just drive, you said. I want to fucking go home. I hate you. I hate this family. And then the next week you wouldn’t go with us. And mom made dad apologize to the waitress and the owner, and we gave them like, a two hundred percent tip, but everyone was in a bad mood. I think mom and I came here one more time after that, just us, but… it wasn’t the same. It was…” she exhaled loudly. “It was never the same.” 

“Zoe,” Connor started.

“No, don’t,” she waved him off. “It happened. It’s done. And you’re here now, so it’s fine. We’re good. Besides,” she chuckled. “Dad deserves a set of car keys to the face sometimes.”

Connor smirked. “Fucking Larry.”

“He’s  _ such _ an asshole.” Zoe smiled. Connor loved her smile. 

The siblings ordered, pancakes with a whipped cream smiley face for Zoe and chocolate waffles for Connor, the same things they would always order when they were kids. Their mother would always say it was more like dessert than breakfast. She was right, but neither sibling cared. 

Connor and Zoe talked about jazz band, and books, and how utterly ridiculous their school’s dress code was. Zoe told Connor about her friends, and Connor told Zoe about the symbolism in the new Jukebox the Ghost album. It was nice. Connor almost forgot that he periodically ruined Zoe’s life, and that once the weekend was over they would go back to constant antagonism. He almost forgot that he was a black hole.

“Okay,” Zoe said seriously once they got back into the car. “This is my favorite song by  _ Sincerely Me _ . Like… ever. It’s called A Soft Place To Land and Alana does the lead vocals and it’s just,” She opened and closed her mouth a few times. “It’s just beautiful. And if you make fun of it I will push you out of this car.” 

Connor chuckled. “Okay okay. I will be nice.” 

“Asking  _ you _ to be nice is a bit unrealistic. I’ll I’m asking is you refrain from being an ass.” 

Zoe turned on the music. It started with a soft acoustic guitar, then a strong, clear female voice.

“ _ Sometimes I still see her _

_ My mother the dreamer _ ” 

Then a male voice joined in, as well as some soft piano. 

“‘ _ She’d say  _

_ Nothing’s impossible child’ _ ”

The song moved from only being the female, to two or three part harmonies with two male voices. Zoe sang along softly, and Connor noticed that her voice was good. Like, really good. He remembered when they were three or four and used to put on concerts for their parents. They would sing together, and Connor would dance. Larry stopped coming to them when Connor was seven, saying that they were “indulging him.” Sometimes Connor heard Zoe in her room with her guitar, singing. The song ended with a three part harmony.

“ _ A dream is a soft place to land _

_ May we all be so lucky _ ”

Zoe closed her eyes and breathed out. “I  _ love _ that song,” she whispered. 

“It was good,” Connor said. Zoe’s eyes snapped open.

“Really? You liked it?”

“Your voice is good, Zo. Really good.” 

Zoe’s introspective silence filled the car. “I can’t remember the last time you said something nice about me,” she said. Connor didn’t say anything. His kept his eyes trained on the road, his grip steely on the steering wheel. Eventually, Zoe turned the music back on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be the soft murphy siblings content you want to see in the world. Also, next chapter we meet a new character. his same sounds like seven sanson. also, like, people are actually reading this and I am blessed. the bacon thing actually happened with me and my dad btw. so like... there's a tidbit into my life. 
> 
> pls comment I'll love you forever
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I mumble incoherently about evan hansen and dissociation))
> 
> also also the song zoe and connor were listening to is called a soft place to land from the musical waitress and you can listen to it here (warning: it will make you cry): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8P-HrYoYdM


	5. Musical Woodland Nymphs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which zoe is upset, jared drives an audi, and evan makes an entrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing and Self Harm

“Okay, take the next exit on your left,” Zoe said. They’d been driving for three hours straight and Connor’s butt was starting to fall asleep.

“Ugh, finally!” He said as he made the turn. “I thought we’d be condemned to highway hell forever.”

The city was different from the suburban hellscape of the Murphy’s home town. Zoe directed him to their hotel, a generic four star chain that Cynthia had scoped out for being “reliable and trustworthy.”

“So…” Zoe said once they’d checked in and found their room. “What do you want to do? Cause like, the concert isn’t until tomorrow. We’ve got an entire city with no adult supervision.” She did an odd shimmy that Connor assumed was supposed to represent the sin and debauchery they could get up to. 

Connor shrugged. “I dunno,” He said, ever the pinnacle of intelligence. 

“C’mon. You’re supposed to be the bad influence sibling!”

“Zoe I don’t know what you  _ think _ I do, but in reality I rarely fucking leave the house.”

“Alright. Well, I’m going to go for a walk. See the sights and all that. You’re welcome to come with me if you want.”

Connor made a noncommittal noise. “Be safe. Have fun.” 

Zoe sighed and grabbed her purse and a room key, aggressively leaving the room. Connor tried not to care. 

About an hour later, she texted him. 

 

From: Z

6:31 pm

You hungry?

 

From: Asshole

6:35 pm

not particularly. y?

 

From: Z

6:35 pm

I met some dudes who graduated from our school last year and they invited me to a party. I’ll probably eat there so like… don’t wait up. 

 

From: Asshole

6:37 pm

k

 

From: Z

6:37 pm

Great. Ya know Connor, sometimes I think you aren’t an asshole, but you always remind me. Fuck you. 

 

From: Asshole

6:38 pm

fuck you too

 

Connor wasn’t sure why he was being such an asshole. He was going to try to be nice to Zoe this weekend. But he just… didn’t want to go out. He didn’t have the energy. He didn’t have the energy to deal with his sister. She was right. He  _ was _ an asshole. He was a worthless, broken, asshole and sometimes trying to be a decent human was just too exhausting. Connor hated himself. The weight of existence was crushing him. He grabbed his pocket knife, releasing a bit of the fucked up poison that ran through his veins, and squeezed his arm until he was lightheaded enough to fall asleep. 

 

~

 

When Connor woke up, it was dark outside. Zoe wasn’t back yet. He grabbed his phone to check the time. 9:56 pm. The hotel room felt too small. Connor was itching for  _ something _ . He hadn’t brought anything he could smoke, which was stupid, and he wasn’t really in the mood to use his knife, so he decided to take a walk. 

The city was far too loud. There had to be somewhere he could go that wasn’t so cramped together, wasn’t so bright. He walked until there were no people on the street, until the buildings were darker and smaller, until he could smell the night sky rather than car exhaust. 

He didn’t realize how tired he was until he stopped to rest by a fence post. His breathing was heavy and his legs were burning. The fencepost was actually a sign, marking the “Stone Brook Park,” a small grassy field with tall oak trees, illuminated by a single street lamp. Connor couldn’t see anyone else, so he quietly walked to the middle of the field, laying down in the frosty grass, making his own constellations in the stars. 

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been lying there before he heard the music. Gentle, quiet guitar strums accompanied by a tentative but strong voice. 

“ _ No I’d rather imagine _ ” 

A pause. 

“ _ No I’d rather  _ _ pretend _ _ I’m something better than these broken parts _

_ Pretend I’m something other than… _

_ Other than… _

_ This mess that I am _ ” 

Connor slowly got up, not exactly sure what he was doing. He wanted to be closer to that music. It felt like someone had stretched his heartstrings over a guitar and was playing his feelings, raw and emotional and real. 

“ _ So then I don’t have to look at it _ ”

He saw a figure leaning against the back of a tall tree, with a laptop and a guitar. 

“ _ And no one gets to look at it _ ” 

He stepped closer, trying to get a better look at the figure he’d now identified as a teenage boy.

“ _ No, one can really see- _ ”

And like something out of a cartoon, Connor stepped on a dead leaf that let out one last loud defiant crunch before succumbing to compost-y oblivion. The singing boy jumped about ten feet in the air and let out a terrified yelp. 

“Wh-wh-what who… who's there? Jared? Th-that better not be you! I told you I needed space to write!” His voice even sounded nice when it was annoyed. 

“Um, it’s not, uh, Jared. I don’t… I don’t know who that is,” Connor said, moving so that he and the singing boy could see each other. He was shorter than Connor, and kind of chubby, with a round face and short curly hair. 

“Oh. N-no, you… you aren’t Jared,” The boy said, fiddling with the bottom of his shirt, not meeting Connor’s eyes. His shoulders were hunched, and his voice was shy and unsure, the complete opposite of what it was when he was singing. 

“I’m Connor,” Connor said. 

“Evan,” The other boy said. 

“Evan,” Connor repeated.

“Yes sorry my name’s Evan. Sorry you said your name and then I just repeated it and that’s so annoying when people do that I’m sorry.” Evan talked very fast.

“Dude. Chill,” Connor said. 

“Sorry.” They were silent for a minute, both suffocated by the awkwardness of the situation. 

“Well I should go-”

“Why are you here?” They both spoke at the same time.

“Sorry,” Evan said. “You go.” 

“No, no, uh, what did you want to say?” Connor asked. He wanted to keep talking to Evan. He had a lot questions. Did he write that song? Who was Jared? Why was he here singing so late? Was he some sort of musical woodland nymph?

“I uh… I was just wondering… uh… wh-what are you doing here? Like this is a public park of course so you have every right to be here it’s just that I thought it was empty and like you were obviously walking up to my tree well I mean it’s not my tree per say but it was the tree I was sitting at and -”

“Evan,” Connor cut him off. “You need to calm your fuck.”

“M-my fuck?”

“Yes. I uh, I was walking up because I liked the music you were playing. And, I dunno, wanted to meet you I guess?” Connor shrugged, trying not to sound like an idiot.

“Wait, did you follow me?” There was a small edge to Evan’s voice. Connor couldn’t tell if it was nervousness or annoyance.

“No. Why the fuck would I do that?”

Evan blanched. “No reason.” 

“Yeah, well, I should get going,” Connor said. “Uh, nice meeting you, Evan.” Connor gave him a small wave before turning to leave. He took approximately six steps before realizing he had no idea where the fuck he was. 

“Hey, uh, Evan?” Connor called out.

“Yeah?” 

“I don’t like, I don’t really know where the fuck we are right now.” 

There was a pause. Then a voice from next to him said, “D-do… would you like a ride?” 

“That… that would be great. I’m uh, staying at the Hilton? In the city?”

“Okay, cool. Let me call my friend Jared to come pick us up.” Evan pulled out a new looking iPhone. He fumbled with it for a minute. “Sorry,” He said. “I don’t know how to use this thing.”

“It’s okay,” Connor exhaled while Evan awkwardly texted his friend. “So you aren’t old enough to drive?” He asked. 

“No I’m seventeen, I just uh… I have anxiety.”

“You? Anxious? I didn’t notice.” Connor was oddly happy that Evan was his age.

“R-really?”

“No dude I’m fucking with you. It’s alright though.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

They waited for about ten minutes in awkward silence. At some point Evan packed up his guitar and laptop. He came back to stand next to Connor as a silver Audi blasting loud music pulled up on the street next to them. The window rolled down and a guy who looked weirdly familiar said, “Wow Evan, you tell me you’re going to go write and instead have a rendezvous with your secret boyfriend. I’m Jared, by the way.” The last part was directed at Connor. 

Evan put his guitar in the trunk. “Jesus, Jared, he’s not my boyfriend, we just met tonight.”

“And you’re already taking him home!” 

“No, we’re dropping him off at his hotel cause he’s lost.”

“Evan, you’ve got to stop picking up strays.” 

“You’re an asshole.”

“Yeah, but I’m  _ your _ asshole.”

Evan rolled his eyes and got into the passenger seat. 

“Hey pretty boy you gonna get in or what?” Usually when people called Connor pretty boy either he got punched or they did, but Jared didn’t seem to mean anything malicious by it. He seemed like an asshole, but not a douchebag. Connor got into the backseat.

The car was clearly new. It was way too clean to belong to a teenage boy, and still smelled like the dealership. Connor wondered if Jared and Evan were bank robbers, and that’s why they had so much new shit. Probably not. Evan seemed like he would puke at the thought of doing something bad, and Jared didn’t seem to have the subtlety required to be a master criminal. 

“So pretty boy, where are we going?” Jared asked, raising his eyebrows at Connor in the rearview mirror. 

“Um, the Hilton. In the city. And, it’s Connor.”

“Ok so like, I’m not from here. I have no fucking clue where the Hilton is.”

“Uh. Neither… do… I.”

“Okay then.” Connor could almost hear Jared roll his eyes. “Evan would you please Google Maps the Hilton?”

Evan’s phone screen lit his face. “Um… there are l-like four.”

“I don’t suppose you know which one is yours?” Jared asked.

“Let me text my sister,” Connor sighed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here he is!!!! my boy!!! the gang is (almost) all here!! 
> 
> pls comment... think of the children...
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I wail about jack kelly and social justice))


	6. Zoe Murphy Likes Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which zoe eats cereal, connor is trying, and zoe's middle name is revealed to the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing and Food

Zoe was still pissed at him the next morning. It hurt, but Connor knew it was for the best. It would hurt her more if he pretended to be a good person over the weekend. Zoe didn’t seem to see it that way, though. 

“Okay,” She said, once they’d both woken up. “I’m gonna go get some cereal from the continental breakfast downstairs and then you and I are going to  _ talk _ .”

Connor briefly considered jumping out the window, but then he remembered hotel windows didn’t open, so that was off the table.

Zoe came back upstairs and handed him a bowl of fruity pebbles and a small bottle of milk. 

“Connor,” She said, sitting cross legged on the floor. “A few days ago, I came home drunk.”

Shit. He knew this was going to come bite him in the ass at some point. “Uh-huh,” He said. 

“And you were surprisingly nice and helpful.”

“Well, I do have my moments.” The siblings paused their conversation to each take a bite of cereal.

“And that night I told you something.”

“Yep.” 

“I told you I was gay.”

“Yep.”

“Well?”

“What?”

Zoe scowled. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” She asked.

“I mean, I’m not going to tell mom and dad, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Zoe scoffed. “You’re such an asshole! I don’t understand! I don’t understand how you can be my brother who eats chocolate waffles one minute and then be a total douche the next! How you can be so nice when I come home drunk and then be totally indifferent when I go partying with strangers, which by the way, I didn’t do, I was crying at a Chinese place and the owner asked me what was wrong so I just talked to her for four hours and then went and saw a movie! Also I’m not actually gay! Well I am but, I’m pansexual. That means that I like people regardless of gender.”

“I know what it means,” Connor said quietly. He felt shell shocked. He got up off the bed and sat down next to his sister, gently putting one arm around her. “I don’t… I don’t know why I’m such an asshole Zoe. I’m… I’m a terrible person and you don’t deserve to deal with my shit. I… I tried to save you from… from me, I guess, but… I’m sorry.”

“You aren’t a terrible person, Connor,” Zoe said quietly. 

“But I am, Zoe. My entire life, I’ve just been one massive fuck up after another. Your life would be better if I was never born.”

“That’s not true!” Zoe said. She wrapped him into a fierce hug. “I’m glad you’re my brother. I love you, Connor.”

Connor didn’t remember the last time she’d said that to him. He didn’t remember the last time he’d said it to her. “I love you, too,” He said, reciprocating the hug. 

~

“So… girls,” Connor said. He and Zoe were getting food at the Chinese place she’d been comforted at last night. The owner had shot him a dirty look when they’d walked in, and Zoe had to explain they’d made up. She didn’t look like she believed them. 

“Yeah,” Zoe said, exhaling loudly.

“When did, I mean, how did you know?” 

“Fuck Connor, I don’t know. How do you know you like girls? Wait,  _ do _ you like girls?”

Connor shrugged. “Yeah,” He said. 

“Well I guess I just… I mean… like, there’s a girl at school, Miriam, who I want to kiss, but I still wanted to kiss my ex-boyfriend, Devon. So like…” She shrugged, and then gestured to herself. “Pan.” 

Connor took this all in. He nodded. “Devon was a douche bag.”

“Yeah,” Zoe sighed. 

“Well, I love you anyway. Wait no, not anyway. Um, still? Uh, regardless? I love that you love girls! Fuck. Being nice is hard.”

Zoe laughed. “Well don’t strain yourself. I understand what you’re trying to say, though. So like, uh… cool?” Both siblings laughed. 

“We’re bad at this, aren’t we?” Connor asked.

“Little bit. But we’ll get better. You know why?”

“Why?”

“ _ Cause all that it takes is a little re-in-vention _

_ It’s easy to change if you give it your at-ten-tion _ ”

“Oh my god! No you do not get to sing in the Chinese restaurant!” Connor’s face was red as a stop sign.

“But I thought I had a beautiful voice?” Zoe batted her eyes instantly. 

“Ok, first of all I said you had a good voice, and second of all, I will not let you make a mockery of me Zoe Darlene Murphy. I have a reputation to uphold.” Connor flipped his hair dramatically. Zoe laughed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consistent chapter length? idk her. this chapter is really short but it doesn't really fit with the last one or the next one so it gets it's own. but the next one is the longest so far so hopefully it'll balance out!
> 
> pls comment because the great comet of 1812 is actually the great comet of 1811 and isn't that fucked up?
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflower crowns where I'll spam you with updates about this fic. also like feel free to talk to me about it I always want to scream about my kids))


	7. The Concert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which evan is pining, zoe is starstruck, and alana, queen of my heart, finally comes onto the scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

The concert venue was stuffy and claustrophobic and Connor hated it. But Zoe was so happy. Her eyes were wide and she was practically jumping with excitement. 

“This is amazing Connor,” She said. “I’m so glad that you came with me.” Connor smiled. The horrible atmosphere of the concert would be worth it for Zoe. 

They had really good seats, like  _ really _ good seats. What would be considered the moshpit if the attendees of this concert weren’t exclusively teenage girls and whoever they’d dragged along with them. Zoe informed him that they also had exclusive tickets to meet with some members of the band after the concert. Connor wondered if he could hide out in the bathroom the entire time, since he thought just reading through an exclusive meet and greet might be considered rude. 

The opening band, a local all girl group, played. They were pretty good. Zoe seemed to like them a lot, as she mentioned something about downloading their album. Then  _ Sincerely Me _ came onstage.

_ Holy. Shit. _ Connor thought.  _ Holy mother of fucking shit _ . On stage next to the girl Zoe always talked about, introducing themselves as Sincerely Me, were Evan and Jared. The dudes from the park. The dudes who took him back to the Hilton. The guy who sang his soul and the guy who called him pretty boy.  _ What the fuck _ ! 

Evan’s performance was encapsulating. Completely gone was the anxious nerd who didn’t understand how his phone worked. His face was pure, unbridled emotion. He seemed to say:  _ I’m gonna fucking feel what I feel and if you don’t like it I’m just gonna feel it  _ _ harder _ . The music poured out of him, out of all three of them. Evan was clearly the lead singer, and he wailed on his electric guitar for some songs and caressed his acoustic for others. Jared played the keyboard eclectically, adding his voice occasionally. His voice was completely different from Evan’s, but they ebbed against each other perfectly. The other girl - Connor thought her name was Alana - was completely absorbed by the music. While the boys seemed to control their music, she let it sweep her up, let it flow out of her. She played the bass, but occasionally would get out her violin, and Connor felt something stirring deep inside the pit of his soul. Alana’s voice was amazing as well, when they played “A Soft Place To Land” Connor completely understood why it was Zoe’s favorite. When the three of them harmonized, it was magical. They were like primary colors, all brilliant on their own, but they came together to make a million different vibrant combinations. 

“Thank you so much for coming! We are Sincerely Me!” Alana yelled after their second encore. Zoe turned to Connor, eyes gleaming, grinning from ear to ear. 

“So,” she said, her voice breathless from screaming and jumping. “What did you think?”

“I’m gonna be honest,” Connor said. “I was completely wrong about them. That was… brilliant. Thanks for taking me, Zo.” Zoe smiled, and pulled Connor in for a hug. He was going to have to get used to all this physical contact. 

“You ready to go to the meeting thing?” She asked. Connor’s heart skipped. He had totally forgotten about the meeting. He was going to get to see Evan, and talk to him about how great it was, and maybe Evan would want to hang out. No, that was ridiculous. Evan was famous. Even if they’d met once in the park, there was no way he’d want to hang out with some nobody. Connor would probably creep him out. 

The meet and greet room was filled with about twenty people. Only three of them seemed to present as boys. Connor felt awkward and tall and gangly. Zoe, of course, started chatting right away. Connor pushed down the feelings that said she was abandoning him and was embarrassed of him. After about ten minutes Jared and Alana came out. Connor waited for Evan to join them, but it didn’t look like he was coming out. No one else seemed to notice. He whispered to Zoe, “Hey, where’s Ev- the lead singer?”

“Oh, Evan?” She whispered back. “He never comes to these things. He doesn’t do meet and greets, doesn’t really talk during interviews, and barely posts over social media. Some people think it’s because he’s an asshole, but I think it’s because he’s so dedicated to the art he doesn’t want fame to corrupt him.” 

_ Or because he’s a fucking nervous wreck and would probably trip over his shoelaces _ , Connor thought. Connor tried not to be disappointed that Evan wasn’t going to be coming out. It didn’t matter anyway. He talked to the guy for what, thirty five minutes? It seemed like most of the people in this room would kill for that. 

“Holy shit!” He heard someone say. “Pretty boy, is that you!” A very sweaty grinning Jared was pulling Alana towards Connor. Everyone was staring at him, especially Zoe. 

“Connor, what the fuck is going on?” Zoe hissed.

“Lana, this is the one Ev won’t shut up about!” Jared said excitedly. Alana gave him a very pointed look. “Heh, probably shouldn’t have said that out loud.” Connor saw some girls take out their phones and try to discreetly take pictures of him. His arms and neck felt itchy from all the attention. 

Jared leaned in and said quietly. “Do you want to stick around? Evan would be really happy to see you.” Connor was dumbstruck. Why would Evan want to see him? How was Evan not shutting up about him? He was a dick to Evan! His throat felt tight and strangled. Thankfully, Zoe answered for him. 

“Yes we would love that very much! Hi, Zoe Murphy, Connor’s sister.” She flashed a dazzling smile, mostly directed at Alana. The thought occurred to Connor that Zoe might like...  _ like _ Alana. 

“Oh right, you were the one who said: ‘find the fucking hotel yourself,’ and made me drive to like, three different Hiltons!” Jared said. Zoe’s face went red. She sputtered out something unintelligible. “Dude, it was badass,” Jared said. He held up a fist. Zoe bumped it in awe. Jared and Alana wandered away, promising to grab them when they were done talking to everyone else, and Connor stood in the corner glaring at everyone who tried to approach him or Zoe. 

After an excruciating half hour, security guards ushered everyone out. Alana stopped them from forcing the Murphy siblings out as well, and Connor and Zoe were alone with Alana and Jared. 

“You meme loving fucks ready to see something cool?” Jared asked. Alana lightly swatted at his jacket.

“Jared, be nice. You can’t call acquaintances meme loving fucks!” Jared rolled his eyes. He lead them to the door he and Alana had come out of. Behind it was a small green room with another set of double doors. Jared unlocked the double doors with a key to reveal a pair of elevator doors. He used a magnetic card to open the elevator and ushered them all inside. 

Alana pressed the button while Jared turned to them beaming. “Is that not the  _ coolest shit _ you’ve ever seen?”

Connor shrugged, but Zoe nodded enthusiastically.  _ Jesus she’s so star struck _ , Connor thought. He had to admit, it was kind of adorable. Judging by Alana’s side-eyes, Connor wasn’t the only one who thought so. 

“Evaaaaaaan! We’re hoooooooome!” Jared called as they walked into a cool looking lounge that Connor assumed was under the stage. Evan was lying on the couch eating out of a container. Jared made a distressed sound. “Evan, we have money and zero adult supervision and you’re eating the lasagna my mom packed?” 

Evan shrugged. “I dunno,” He mumbled, mouth full. “It’s good. ‘Sides, I don’t want your mom to feel bad.” He paused for a sec. “Do we have any fruit bars left?” 

“Jared at the last one,” Alana said. Jared made a noise of protest.

Evan whined. “ _ Jared _ ! Why can’t you eat the ice cream bars! You know I’m lactose intolerant.”

“You’re lactose intolerant!” Zoe blurted out. Evan jumped, similarly to when Connor had startled him in the park last night. He whipped around, clutching the fork in his hand.

“Connor?” He breathed, eyes transfixed on Connor. “Wh-wh-what are you d-doing here? I-I thought that y-you didn’t know wh-who I was? A-and wh-who’s this? Y-your girlfriend?”

“NO!” Connor yelled.

“OH GOD NO!” Zoe added. 

“This, this is my sister,” Connor said, gesturing at Zoe. “And, I  _ didn’t _ know who you were yesterday. Or, I guess I did. She wanted to come see your guys’ concert. I didn’t know you were… ya know… you.” 

Evan’s face and neck went red and splotchy. Connor noticed things he hadn’t in the dark or in the car, like how even was covered in freckles, or how his eyes were blue. Not that Connor cared or anything. 

“Wow pretty boy, you don’t like our music? I’m hurt,” Jared said.

“Yeah I actually didn’t like it,” Connor said. Evan’s face fell.  _ Shit! Nice Connor, be nice _ . “But uh, that’s only cause I didn’t get it. Seeing you guys perform really changed my mind you were… uh… you were fantastic.” Connor meant to tell the whole group, but he ended up just staring at Evan as he said it. He dropped his eyes to the floor, embarrassed. 

“D-do you g-guys want to like um… hang out? For a while? I-if not that’s t-totally fine too!” Evan said, glancing at Connor and then looking away quickly. 

“Uh.” Connor looked at Zoe, who was nodding. “Sure.”

“To the Kleinmobile!” Jared exclaimed. 

“What?” Zoe asked. 

“Its his Audi,” Alana explained. “We have to go back to the hotel. They don’t like us hanging around here too late after the show.” 

“W-we have to use th-the back d-door though. T-to the private parking garage. Cause um, the, our, people, might, uh,” Evan’s voice puttered out helplessly. 

“Mob us. People might mob us,” Jared finished for him. 

“Of course we appreciate everyone who supports us and our music!” Alana said, looking uncomfortable. “We just…”

“Don’t want to get mobbed,” Jared shrugged matter-of-factly, and started to pack up a Pokemon backpack with things Connor assumed the band had brought with them. 

“We totally get it,” Zoe said, probably trying to soothe Alana. “People can be crazy.” She flashed Alana one of her Patented Zoe Smiles™. Alana looked relieved.   

Jared lead the group to “The Kleinmobile,” chattering excitedly with Zoe and Alana about the concert. Connor watched with a content smile on his face. His sister fit in with these people. It would make sense for celebrities to be drawn to her. Connor was sure that once Evan got to know Zoe he’d see she was the superior Murphy. 

Evan hung back, silently walking next to Connor. Connor wasn’t sure what to say, but he felt like this was a situation where he should say something. “So,” his said, his voice deep and quiet. “I heard you were talking about me?” 

Evan audibly gasped. “No, I mean, well, yes, but I just, I was, you just, hah, to be honest I wasn’t even sure if you were real or if you were like some sort of phantom of the opera except it was a park, so you’d be the phantom of the park, but the phantom wasn’t really a phantom so I guess that doesn’t really work but either way you are real so I guess it does kind of work and I mean interesting things don’t happen to me very often but there you were so…”

“Wait. Hold up. Interesting things don’t happen to you? Dude, you’re like, a rockstar.”

“‘M not a rockstar,” Evan mumbled.

“You know what, you’re right, you aren’t a rockstar. You’re a  _ pop _ star!” 

Evan’s eyes went wide. “I am  _ not _ .” He said, scandalized. 

“Dude, you were not at the meet and greet. You didn’t see all the tween girls shitting themselves about the prospect of your existence. Also, I’m pissed that you weren’t at the meet and greet. The only reason I went was to see you.” Connor realized what he said. The palms of his hands itched. 

Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “Y-you know, you shouldn’t rag on tween girls. I think it’s cute how excited they get. I mean, it’s also terrifying, but like, in a cute way?” He chuckled. “That didn’t make any sense.” The walked in silence for a minute. “So you… you wanted to see me?” Evan asked. Connor shrugged, not sure why his face was burning. They sat next to each other in Jared’s Audi, and Connor tired not to notice how their legs were touching. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title for this chapter: connor "no homo" murphy. I really appreciate all the support this fic has been getting! you guys are the best!
> 
> pls comment because it's what alana would want you to do
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I joke about the insanely cool jared kleinman and my crippling fears of abandonment))


	8. Yes I Also Miss Our Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor is soft, jared is caring, and galaxy gals is the light of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

“So,” Zoe asked when they got the the band’s hotel, a nice place near the park Evan and Connor met. “Why don’t you guys stay in the city?”

“Cities make Evan and I anxious,” Alana said. “Plus, it’s less likely someone will find us here. It’s funny. Three years ago we were friendless losers in group therapy and now we have to hide from people who want to be our friends.” She laughed, but it was twinged with something melancholic. 

Alana made some popcorn and Jared put on trashy reality TV. Evan munched on a fruit bar he’d found buried in their travel cooler. 

“So how long are you guys in town?” Connor asked. He was stretched out on Evan’s bed, fiddling with a teddy bear that had a blue sweater on it. 

“We leave tomorrow morning. We’ve got to be at the next stop by four in the afternoon for sound check,” Alana said. 

“Wow. I can’t believe you guys are spending your last night here with us!” Zoe said. Jared opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but then just closed it. 

Alana glanced at Evan. She pursed her lips. “Hey Zoe! What’s your instagram? I’d love to follow you and then maybe we can talk more.” 

Zoe blushed. “Uh it’s zoetheguitarist,” She said. “I uh, I already follow you.” Alana smiled and pulled out her phone. She tapped at the screen for a minute. 

“There!” Alana flashed a dazzling smile. “Done. Here, I’ll message you. Ummm hold on.” Alana held up her phone and snapped a picture. Zoe’s phone buzzed a few seconds later. 

“Oh my god Connor look at this!” Zoe said, trying to keep the laughter out of her voice. Connor hadn’t really been paying attention, and he’d started fiddling around with the bear. Alana had taken of picture him lying on Evan’s bed with the teddy bear sitting on his face. 

“Burn that.” Connor said seriously. Zoe and Alana giggled. 

“You should send that to me!” Jared said. “For purposes of blackmail.” He waggled his eyebrows in Connor’s direction. Connor dramatically stomped back to Evan’s bed, which Evan had crawled into, vacating the spot on the floor he’d previously held. Connor looked at him for a second, and Evan silently scooted over, making room for Connor. Connor sat down on the far edge of the bed. 

They watched trashy reality TV - with Jared making frequent comments about and at the people on the screen - until about one in the morning. Evan, Alana, and Zoe had all fallen asleep. 

“Uh, Jared?” Connor said, voice stiff and awkward. He wasn’t exactly sure how to deal with Jared. 

“Yeah?” Jared asked. Then he noticed the situation. He giggled. Connor couldn’t decide if it was irritating or endearing. “I’ll take you guys back to your car,” He said. Connor nodded, moving to shake Zoe awake. Jared stopped him. “Hey, Connor?” He scribbled something on hotel stationery. “This is the username for Evan’s private instagram and tumblr. If you give them to anyone, I’ll kill you myself.” He pressed the paper into Connor’s hand. “4rest-expert” was written in shaky chicken scrawl. Jared looked him hard in the eyes. “I’m giving you this while he’s asleep because if you decide to be an asshole and not message him he won’t know. But I’m really hoping you don’t decide to be an asshole.”

“Jared, you don’t want Evan making friends with me. I’m a black hole. I suck the light out of everyone I touch.” Connor’s voice was steely, but he still folded up the paper and stuck it in his pocket. Jared looked like he was about to say something else, but instead just shook his head and grabbed his keys. Connor gingerly shook Zoe’s shoulder, waking her up. 

~

By the time the Murphy siblings were back in Connor’s car on Saturday for the drive home, (Zoe had given him control of the aux cord and he’d casually turned on  _ Sincerely Me _ ) Connor had caught Zoe smiling at her phone 54 times. 

“So,” He said once they’d turned onto the highway. “Do you like her?” 

“Who?” Zoe asked, feigning innocence. As if on cue, her phone buzzed. 

“Alana, dumbass,” Connor said.

“Of course I like her. She’s like, my idol.”

“I know but do you, ya know,  _ like like _ her?”

“Like like? What is this, Connor, third grade?” 

Connor scoffed. “You know what I mean.”

Zoe exhaled. “Yeah. I do. But like, I want to be her friend first, ya know? I want to get to know the real her before we do anything serious.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “That sounds oddly mature.”

“I can be mature!” Zoe was silent for a beat. “Well I actually confessed that I was in love with her this morning and she said we should take it slow so...”

Connor smirked. “Zoe, I believe in your ability to tap that.”

Zoe let out a bleating laugh. “Oh my god never say ‘ _ tap that’ _ again!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't this chapter so nice and cute and fluffy!! I'm sure nothing bad will happen in the next chapter to ruin it all! That would just be horrible!! ;) 
> 
> pls comment because bees can get addicted to cocaine and that's pretty interesting
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for more bee facts!))


	9. Nothing Lasts Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which larry is an asshole, cynthia is struggling, and connor takes a few steps backward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing (gendered/homophobic language) and graphic(ish) depictions of self harm 
> 
> (also if there are ever any triggers I miss please tell me so I can edit them in!)

Connor should’ve known his newfound rosy outlook on life wasn’t going to last. A roadtrip with one’s little sister was an intoxicating thing. Zoe’s happy bubbliness had fooled Connor into believing that he could be happy as well. Meeting Evan, Jared, and Alana had fooled Connor into thinking people could like him. But he was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

  
Zoe had dropped him off at home by himself, she had to get to her friend’s birthday party as soon as possible. Connor took a moment to collect himself in the driveway. He was turning over a new leaf. He was going to be a good son. He was going to be nice to his mom, be civil to Larry, and be there for Zoe. He was going to go upstairs and message Evan. He was going to be a normal, competent human.

  
The minute he walked in the door, he felt his new leaf detach itself from the tree and float into a vat of acid. His parents were in the living room screaming at each other.

  
“God that’s just fucking rich, Cynthia! You really think he’s trying! He’s not trying! He’s a self centered, good for nothing --”

  
“Don’t you dare say that! He’s doing better! Look at the picture that Zoe sent, with the bear?” Rage boiled in Connor’s chest. Of fucking course Zoe shared that dumb picture with his parents! Larry was going to think he was a pussy.

  
“Really? That picture? He looks like a fucking fag!”

  
“Don’t say that!”  
“And that’s not what this is about! This is about how he’s fucking failing all of his classes! All of them, Cynthia! You’ve got to applaud the fucking effort he puts into pissing me off! Now I’m going to have to pull all the strings I can so he can fucking graduate!”

  
“You know he has trouble…”

  
“He doesn’t have trouble, he is trouble! I’ve given him everything! Every fucking thing! And he just, he throws everything I’ve sacrificed for him right back in my face!”

  
Connor had had enough. His fists were clenched so tightly that it hurt. His anger was overwhelming, threatening to explode out of his body, ripping Connor apart in the process. Fuck this. Fuck being nice! Fuck Larry! If he wasn’t going to believe that Connor was trying then Connor wasn’t going to try! He needed to scream. He felt to big for his body. He had to get this energy out before it destroyed him. He needed to punch something. Before Connor had time to register what he was doing, he slammed his fist into the wall.

  
“What the fuck?” He heard Larry yell and Cynthia shriek. He hit the wall again. And again and again. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. To punch it to the other side? Maybe. See how fucking cool Larry felt with a goddamn hole in his house. Connor vaguely registered blood running down his knuckles and a dull ache in his hand. Larry was on him, trying to pull him back. He kept hitting the wall. It didn’t feel like he himself was doing it. He was watching himself from the outside. He knew it was stupid. He knew it was unproductive. He knew it was just going to bite him in the ass. But every time the dent in the plaster became a little more pronounced, Connor felt a surge of adrenaline.

  
“Connor! Connor! CONNOR!” His mother was screaming. Larry grabbed him but the shoulders and yanked him back. Hard.

  
“Don’t fucking touch me!” Connor screamed.

  
“Connor you’re being ridiculous! Stop this instant!” Larry’s voice was forceful, but he wasn’t yelling. He was talking to Connor as if Connor was an impudent child, not an almost fully grown adult male who could probably kill Larry if he wanted to. He wished that he wanted to.

  
“FUCK YOU!” Connor pushed passed him and stormed upstairs, slamming his door so hard it made the house rattle. He needed his knife. Where the fuck was his knife! Shit. Shit fuck damn. It was in his bag. Downstairs.

  
Connor darted into the bathroom, looking for the straight-edged razor that his dad had given him on his thirteenth birthday. He hadn’t used it out of spite, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He flicked it open and pressed the sides to his arm, getting used to the cold and the sensation of slight pain. Connor pulled the razor across his forearm in careful, quick, strokes, pressing down deeply. He barely felt anything. He stood there for five minutes, opening old wounds and creating new ones with methodic gestures.

  
Eventually, buried the razor back in the bottom of a drawer and watched his arm react to what he’d just done. The blood rose to the fresh cuts, some of it dribbling down his arm. The skin went red, and felt tough and ripped up. He squeezed his cuts, bringing more blood to the surface. There was something calming about watching the blood appear on his arm. It reminded Connor he was here, he was real, and what he did mattered. Connor took a deep breath, and left the bathroom, only to run into his mother in the hallway.

  
“Connor!” She said. Her eyes were misty. Connor shoved his arm against his side, hiding the cuts. On one hand, he didn’t give a shit who saw. On the other, he tried desperately to hide them from everyone.

  
Connor scowled. “What do you want.”

  
“I just, how are you doing, sweetheart?” His mom reminded him of a hummingbird. Flighty and fragile. And annoying.

  
“How do you fucking think?” Connor tried to get past her, but she blocked his path. At this point tears were streaming down her face. It was disgusting. Pathetic. Why was she the one crying? She wasn’t the one everyone hated!

  
“It’s just, Zoe said you two were having such a good time! And you were being so kind and --”

  
“Yeah well, Zoe’s a bitch who needs to learn to watch her fucking mouth.”

  
“Connor!” Connor pushed past his mother and back into his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopping on the angst train woot woot!! 
> 
> pls comment because a peanut isn't a nut it's actually a legume
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I screech about kevin price and the inevitability of death))


	10. Broken Parts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor is upset, zoe is hurt, and evan is supportive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing (ableist language and the q-slur)

Larry barged into his room the next morning. Connor fought the urge to deck him.

“Connor. Your mother and I have decided that you should be punished for your completely ridiculous behavior last night.” Connor stared at him, blank faced. Larry let out a long, tired sigh. “Phone,” He said. “Now.” 

Connor was calm. Calmer than he’d been since returning home. He walked over to where his phone was plugged into the wall and took it out of it’s case. 

“Don’t do this,” The rational voice in his head said. The rational voice in his head sounded a lot like Evan. “This is only going to make things worse for you Connor.” Connor walked towards his father, taking long, calculated steps. “Dude. Stop.” When Connor was right in front of his father, a cross between a smile and a sneer overtook his face, as he hurled his phone with all the force he could muster. It landed right on the bathroom door, creating an ugly dent. His phone screen was shattered. Larry was screaming. Connor couldn’t hear any of it. He shut his door, and calmly locked it. 

After Larry’s yelling and banging had died down, someone else knocked on his door. 

“FUCK YOU!” Connor yelled out from his bed. 

“Connor? Connor it’s me, Zoe!” His sister called from the other side. 

“I know. I repeat: FUCK YOU!” 

More knocking. “Connor”  _ Bang bang bang!  _ “Connor! Come on, whatever happened we can work it out! Or at least we can talk!” A pause. “I’m here for you!” Rage flared up from Connor’s stomach to his eyes. He was out of bed like a shot, yanking his door open to stare at the fake innocent, kicked puppy face of his sister. 

“No, no you fucking aren’t!” Connor said. “I thought I could trust you, and then I find out you’re talking to mom our entire trip! Talking about how your hippy bullshit music has fixed me! How I’m not crazy Connor Murphy anymore! But you were wrong. You. Were.  _ Fucking _ . Wrong. I’m the same asshole I’ve always been, Zoe, just like you’re the same bitch! Now leave me the fuck alone before I punch more than a wall.” Connor slammed the door in his sister’s face and flopped back on his bed, too exhausted and angry to do anything more than cover his head with pillows. 

Connor could hear his sister on the phone with Alana in the next room over, crying about how terrible he was. Great. Now Alana and Jared and Evan would hate him too. Well, they were bound to find out anyway. Maybe this was easier. 

~

School was shit. The principal called him in to talk about his grades. Some kid called him a freak. Somebody drew a dick on his locker. At least he didn’t have to ride with Zoe. Still, by lunch Connor was  _ done _ . He knew the school would call his parents about him missing his afternoon classes, but he was already in so much trouble, he just couldn’t find it in himself to give a single shit. 

He needed a hit. Weed, adderall, anything. He knew there was a kid who sold shit out of a 7/11 a few blocks away, so he went over there. As he was pulling the cash out of his back pocket, he also pulled out a piece of paper. It was hotel stationery. A sense of overwhelming loneliness engulfed him. He felt bad for what he’d said to his sister. He felt bad for what he’d said to his mother. He felt bad that he’d broken his phone. He wanted to talk to Evan. Evan who sang about being just a mess of broken parts. 

“Yo. Dude,” The dealer said. “You gonna pay or what?” Connor absentmindedly handed the kid a hundred dollars for a quarter. He got in his car and stuffed the baggie in the glove compartment. He rested his forehead on the steering wheel. Where could he go to talk to Evan? The public library had computers. 

When he entered the library, a middle aged woman gave him a soft smile. “Connor!” She said. “Haven’t seen you around in a few days.” Connor flashed her a smile that, if one was being generous, could be called nice. He didn’t remember her name. He knew that he knew it, but the only name ringing through his head was _ Evan Evan Evan _ . Why was he so attached to this kid?

Connor found the most secluded computer and logged onto his tumblr. He’d had it since he was twelve, and used it inconsistently. He’d go on crazy posting sprees for a month and then disappear for a year. Because of this, he’d only racked up about 25 followers. Connor didn’t really mind, though. No one liked him in real life, why should they like him online. 

He searched for the url 4rest-expert and clicked on the first blog that popped up. The description read: E - he/him - 17 - nsfw/kink blogs pls don’t interact. The blog mostly consisted of nature posts, “stim” stuff (Connor had no idea what the hell that was), and stuff about being “LGBT”. Was Evan gay? Whatever. That was a conversation for another time. He shakily clicked the message button.

 

**murphys--law--420** : do u hate me?

 

**4rest-expert** : Who is this? How did you get this url? 

 

**murphys--law--420** : its connor. jared gave me the url. u probably dont remeber me im sorry just forget it

 

**4rest-expert** : Connor? Oh my god are you okay????

 

**murphys--law--420** : y wouldn’t i b ok

 

**4rest-expert** : Well alana said that zoe said that you weren’t doing so well.

 

**murphys--law--420** : well zoes a bitch so

 

**4rest-expert** : I don’t understand? You guys seemed to get along so well on Friday?

 

**murphys--law--420** : yeah n then i realized im an asshole and shes a bitch and were both better off if we stay far far away from each toher

 

**murphys--law--420** : yanno this is dumb i shouldnt have bothered u im sorry ill go now

 

**4rest-expert** : No, don’t go! 

 

**4rest-expert** : You aren’t bothering me.

 

**4rest-expert** : I want to make sure you’re alright. 

 

**4rest-expert** : Connor?

 

**murphys--law--420** : y do u care. u dont even know me

 

**4rest-expert** : Just because we don’t know each other well, that means I can’t care?

 

**murphys--law--420** : i mean like kinda

 

**4rest-expert** : Well then following that logic, you shouldn’t care whether or not I hate you.

 

**murphys--law--420** : what do u mean

 

**4rest-expert** : The first message you send was asking if I hated you. Since we don’t know each other well, and you said that was what someone should base their level of caring off of. Ergo, you shouldn’t care what you think. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : dam evan ur rlly well spoken when ur online

 

**4rest-expert** : Well a side effect of anxiety is not being good at face to face communication so that makes sense. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : y do u always talk about ur anxiety?? isnt it embarassing?

 

**4rest-expert** : It used to be. And, I guess, I have a hard time talking about anything, so I might as well have a hard time talking about my anxiety.

 

**4rest-expert** : That doesn’t make sense I’m sorry.

 

**murphys--law--420** : dam evan u went half a conversation without apologizing that must be some kind of record for u

 

**4rest-expert** : Stop changing the subject. What’s going on Connor? Why did you ask if I hated you?

 

**murphys--law--420** : bc of what zoe said to alana. about how i was being a dick. and she was right. i was being a dick. i am a dick. honestly the world would be better off without me. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : shit that was heavy. im just being whiny and annoying ignore me

 

**4rest-expert** : First of all, the world would not be better off without you. To quote myself, no one deserves to disappear. 

**4rest-expert** : Also, I don’t think you’re a dick. You can probably be a dick, but so can everyone. (Example of me being a dick, quoting my own song.) If I judged people on their dick moments, I would have a very hard time with my best friends. Especially Jared. He’s kind of a douche. But he’s a douche with heart. And I love him. And I can recognize why he acts like he does. Which doesn’t mean I excuse it, but I understand it, and can try to help him be the awesome guy that I know he can be. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : u sound like a therapist 

 

**4rest-expert** : Well when you hang around as many therapists as I do, you kind of pick up on the rhetoric. 

 

**4rest-expert** : Besides, you can’t be too hard on yourself. Keeping your emotions in check can be especially hard when you’re mentally ill.

 

**murphys--law--420** : im not mentally ill evan im just a fuckup

 

**4rest-expert** : Oh. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed. 

 

**4rest-expert** : And you’re not a fuck up, Connor. I promise. You’re not. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : yeah whatever why don’t you go sing your its gets better bullshit at a psych ward

 

**4rest-expert** : Connor that’s not cool. I’ve been in psych wards before. They’re depressing as shit. They don’t need you to make fun of them. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : ufck evan. you’ve been in a pysch ward??

 

**4rest-expert** : Yeah I was committed for a while when I was fifteen. And I’ve been in and out of intensive outpatient therapy programs. That’s where Alana and Jared and I all met. Well, I already knew Jared but we didn’t really get along. Lol. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : 1- i can’t believe u just said lol and 2- my mom wanted to commit me once. After i tried to kill myself the second time. my dad wouldn’t let her. he said they were for queers and psychos

 

**murphys--law--420** : ….. lol 

 

**4rest-expert** : Queers and psychos could be the title of my autobiography. Also, no offence, but from what Alana’s told me and from that, your dad kind of seems like an asshole. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : ur not wrong. he’s right tho. i don’t belong in a psych ward. they should save the space for someone who actually has a chance of getting better. 

 

**4rest-expert** : Connor, there’s never a point of no return. You can always get better. I’m going to send you my phone number. Please tell me if you ever feel suicidal.

 

**murphys--law--420** : evan i feel suicidal

 

**murphys--law--420** : also a phone number isnt gonna do my any good i kinda threw my phone at the wall last night and broke it as a fuck u to my dad

 

**4rest-expert** : How is that a fuck you to him? He’s not the one with a broken phone. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : ughhhhhhhhh i know i know. it was rlly satisfying tho

 

**4rest-expert** : Well I’m still send you my number. Use Zoe’s phone. Or a payphone. Or your phone if you get a new one. But, please call me before you do anything rash. And I’m sorry. That you’re suicidal. 429-273-8255 

 

**murphys--law--420** : y r u sorry. its not your fault

 

**4rest-expert** : I know but… I’ve been there. I get it. 

 

**murphys--law--420** : thanks. for dealing with me.

 

**4rest-expert** : Anytime, Connor. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact I was originally going to have this be two chapters so I could shove a cliffhanger in but then realized that was stupid, so now it's this. Also like,,,, 100 kudos???? blessed.
> 
> pls comment because pineapples grow on bushes. 
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I talk about memes and how much I hate tumblr)) 
> 
> another fun fact: evan's phone number is actually the suicide hotline with a random area code. in case you ever need it, the actual number is: 1-800-273-8255


	11. Spiraling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which zoe sets boundaries, connor is not doing well, and the author projects their own personal problems onto fiction characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, mentions of abuse, suicidal ideation

Connor knew he had to apologize to Zoe. Again. But knowing he had to do it didn’t make it any easier. He waited outside in the school parking lot for her to finish jazz band practice. He’d reasoned it would be easier to talk somewhere their parents couldn’t fuck everything up. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Zoe asked when she saw him. He was worried she would ignore him, so he’d parked right next to her car. 

“I’m sorry, Zoe. I was a dick and an asshole and taking out all my anger on you. I understand why you’d want to send those pictures to Cynthia, I guess. And even if I didn’t I shouldn’t have acted the way that I did.”

Zoe narrowed her eyes. “Okay,” She said. 

“So… are we good?” Connor asked, trying to force a brotherly smile onto his face. 

“No,” Zoe said. 

“What the fuck why not?” Connor snapped. “Um. I mean. Could you elaborate on that, dear sister?”

“Connor, I don’t doubt that you feel bad. And I don’t doubt that your apology is sincere. But you’re just going to do it again. You’re just going to hurt me again. Abuse is a cycle, and I’m breaking it. I can’t deal with getting my hopes up and putting myself on the line just for you to reject me. I know that you feel bad, and I appreciate that you care about me but… I just… I can’t. I’m sorry.” She let out a long sigh and got in her car, driving away. 

Connor was dumbfounded. Her words rang in his ears. “ _ Abuse is a cycle, and I’m breaking it.” “Abuse is a cycle” “Abuse, abuse, abuse _ ” 

Had Connor abused her? No. There was no way. He loved his sister. He would never do that to her. Then again, he’d loved his sister when he was sixteen and walked in on her in the living room kissing a boy who’d shoved him into a locker, and then chased her upstairs screaming he was going to kill her. Connor wished he had his phone. He drove back to the library, and logged onto the computer he was using earlier. He pulled up Google and typed “abuse” into the search bar. 

Abuse: verb: 

  1. Use (something) to a bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.
  2. Treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly



Connor could be cruel or violent, but so could lots of people. He didn’t want to jump to conclusions. He clicked on the next article. Abuse - HelpGuide.org. It brought him to a spread of different types of abuse. He didn’t see anything that said “familial abuse” or “sibling abuse” so he clicked on domestic violence, thinking that would be the next best thing. He went into the ‘signs’ tab and looked under “Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats”

**Does your partner…**

  * Have a bad and unpredictable temper? - Yes, having a bad and unpredictable temper was one of Connor’s defining traits. 
  * Hurt you, threaten to hurt or kill you? - Bile rose in Connor’s throat. Yes. He did that. Multiple times.
  * Threaten to take away your children or harm them? - Zoe didn’t have kids, so, no. He did rip the heads off her dolls when they were kids, though. 
  * Threaten to commit suicide if you leave? - Connor did threaten (and try) to commit suicide, but not because of Zoe. He was going to put that under the no category. 
  * Force you to have sex? - Definite no. He was a monster, but not that type of monster. 
  * Destroy your belongings? - All. The. Time. Her books. Her toys. Her door that one time. 



Connor felt awful. He knew Evan was wrong. He wasn’t a good guy having a hard time. He was a terrible, abusive monster. He deserved to die. He wanted to kill himself. But he couldn’t do that, it would just hurt Zoe more. She would feel bad. He wished he could hand her a gun and let her kill him. She probably wanted to. He kept reading.

He moved down the the ‘cycle of violence’ tab. Zoe had talked about abuse being a cycle. 

**The Cycle Of Abuse:**

_ Abuse _ – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."   
_ Guilt _ – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his or her abusive behavior.   
_ Excuses _ – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.   
_ "Normal" behavior _ – The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

_ Fantasy and planning _ – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.   
_ Set-up _ – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.   
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

Connor felt like he was going to throw up. He knew he was a bad person, but now he felt even worse. He felt like dirt. Less than dirt. He wanted to talk to Evan. Evan said he could call if he ever needed anything, but he couldn’t. He would just ruin Evan’s life too. He would abuse Evan too. He would lose control and hurt Evan and he would try to be better but it would just make things worse. Because that’s all Connor did, was make things worse. He tried to be better. He tried so hard. But Larry was right. He was trouble. Trouble for everyone. 

He wished he was dead. He wondered if anyone would mourn him if he died. Maybe his mother. Zoe and Larry would probably be glad to be rid of him. He wondered if anyone would tell Evan. Or if Evan would care. He was probably only being nice to Connor because he was a nice person. Or maybe Connor had somehow tricked him into thinking that he was worth being nice to. God, Connor was terrible and manipulative even when he didn’t mean to be. He felt like the world was spinning. The chair was too big, he was drowning in it. The keyboard was too small, he couldn’t type properly. Everything was lopsided. Connor stumbled out of the chair and collapsed in the driver’s seat of his car. 

He opened up the glove box, rolling a joint from the quarter he’d bought earlier that day. Had that been today? Time was weird for Connor. Days felt like years and months felt like hours. It didn’t matter. The world was buzzing. Connor’s skin was  _ too tight  _ **_too tight_ ** **_too tight_ ** . He lit the joint, taking a hit, trying to calm the world down. 

Connor couldn’t go home. He couldn’t face Zoe. He didn’t trust himself to be around her. He didn’t trust himself to be around anyone. Connor was tired of this universe. He just wanted the world to swallow him up. He started driving. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've sort of hit a writing wall, (i.e. I haven't written anything in the past like two days) I still have like four chapters prewritten but I'm not sure when I'll get my inspiration back. Hopefully I'll get over it soon and will be able to continue to update everyday. I can't believe this has gotten a thousand hits! y'all are the best! 
> 
> pls comment because it makes me happy 
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I reblog things about whizzer brown and the alarming rate at which bees are disappearing)) 
> 
> also the article that I used to write this chapter can be found here: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm


	12. You Will Be Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor is upset, connor is impulsive, and radios have impeccable timing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing and suicidal thoughts

Connor hadn’t been to the orchard in forever. He remembered when it closed down, he’d cried for weeks. He’d broken in a few times but not for over a year. He didn’t have the energy to get out of the car. Besides, it was too damn cold. 

The world was too loud. Connor needed music to drown it out. He wished he had his phone. Evan was right when he said breaking his phone was a stupid move. If he’d just given it to Larry then maybe he’d have been able to steal it back. Or maybe he’d never have gone to the library. Maybe he’d never had talked to Zoe. And then what? Just stay a blissful, unaware asshat for the rest of his life? 

Connor let out a groan and banged his head against the steering wheel until it hurt. He reached for the knob on the radio, and let if find a random station. Some Top 40 bullshit. Connor needed a plan. He couldn’t go home. His birthday was in a few months. If he just laid low until then… But where would he go? Could he stay with Evan? No, that would be stupid. He and Evan barely knew each other. And Evan would probably tell him to talk to Zoe. Or tell him to go to therapy. Gross. Besides, he had other friends. Well, he didn’t have other friends, but Evan was barely his friend. He didn’t even know the kid’s last name! Connor wondered what Evan’s last name was. But he didn’t really care. 

“ _ If you don’t care, then why do you keep thinking about him? _ ” An annoying voice in his head asked him. 

“Shut the fuck up,” Connor growled out loud. Great. Now not only was he an asshole who hurt his sister, he was a psychopath who talked to himself. Did Evan talk to himself? That seemed like something he would do. 

“ _ Stop thinking about Evan, weirdo _ .” 

Connor reached for the radio dial, turning it up full volume. Some communications student from the local college was introducing the next song. “And next up is, uh,  _ Sincerely Me _ , with their hit song:  _ You Will Be Found _ !” 

Jesus Christ! Connor could not get rid of this kid! 

Evan’s silky voice streamed through his car, raw and emotional and hopeful and real. 

“ _ Have you ever felt like nobody was there _

_ Have you ever felt forgotten, in the middle of nowhere _

_ Have you ever felt like you could… disappear _

_ Like you could fall, and no one would hear? _ ” 

“STOP SINGING MY FEELINGS YOU FUCK!” Connor yelled, banging on his steering wheel as his body betrayed him by giving him goosebumps up and down his arm. By the end of the song, Connor felt tears prick in the back of his eyes. Fuck no. Connor Murphy did  _ not _ cry. Ever. Not when his grandma (the only family member who’d ever liked him) died. Not when his cat got run over by a car or when some asshole broke his nose in the seventh grade. 

Evan’s voice rang out, simple and unaccompanied on the last line: 

“ _ You will be found _ ” 

“When? Huh?” Connor asked the radio. “When am I going to be found? Because it feels like all people ever do is leave me. I make them leave me!” Connor wished someone was in the car with him. Just to tell him not to wrap himself around a tree. But the only person near enough was Zoe, and she’d probably tell him to do it, as long as he let her out of the car first. Evan would tell him not to. Evan would give him some inspirational story about a time when Jared was suicidal but then realized that if he gave in the tumblr meninists wouldn’t have someone to add mocking commentary on all their bullshit posts. And Connor wouldn’t believe it, but he would look at Evan and he wouldn’t feel so alone. But Evan could be anywhere. 

“In fact, The You Will Be Found Tour is making its two-day stop in Cleveland tonight. Anyway, the weather is a frigid 56 degrees…” 

Connor was not going to go to Cleveland. He checked the timer on his dashboard. It was almost nine at night. He couldn’t go to Cleveland! He didn’t even know where Cleveland was! And besides, Evan would just send his ass back home the moment he got there. And Zoe would worry -

“ _ Would she? _ ” The voice in his head asked. His parents would worry - 

“ _ Larry would be glad you were gone. Cynthia would get over it. What’s keeping you here? School? When have you ever gave a shit about that? _ ” 

But Connor was not going to go to Cleveland. He was just going to go. He had a few hundred dollars saved in his glove box for gas and if he ended up in Cleveland… well it wouldn’t be because he wanted to see Evan that’s for sure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is short i'm sorry!! on a happier note, I wrote like 1200 words yesterday so hopefully I've gotten over little stuck place. shoutout to secretlyconnormurphy for talking me through all of my struggles and just in general being the best beta reader in existence. I love her so much!!
> 
> pls comment because all birds have knees
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I incoherently mumble about will roland and space))


	13. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor gets gas, takes a drive, and fucks up his sleep schedule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing (ableist language)

Connor had stopped at a gas station to fill up his tank and buy a map. The guy behind the counter sort of side-eyed his map, because who used a map when you had a phone? In other news, Connor Murphy did not know how to use a fucking map. 

“ _ Maybe this is a sign that you shouldn’t be going to fucking Cleveland! _ ” The rational voice in his head said. 

“Maybe this is a sign you should shut up,” Connor replied to himself. Jesus Fuck he really was going crazy. 

Connor tried not to get frustrated by how big the map was and how small his car was and how the little light in his car was not helping and how he was freezing his ass off because his ten year old car’s heating system was shit. Connor tried to remember the breathing exercise his guidance counselor had given him when he was in eighth grade. Was it 5-7-5? No, that was a haiku. Fuck. Connor tried it anyway. 

He figured out that he just had to get onto I-76 and follow that until he got to Youngstown, Ohio. Things got a little more complicated from there, but Connor had six hours of driving straight ahead first. Connor thought about sleeping before he departed, but he worried he’d lose his nerve, so he just bought a six pack of Monster and a fuck ton of 5-hour energy. 

Connor turned on talk radio, some creepy nighttime show about paranormal happenings. Driving alone down the highway at night to fuck all knows where, with absolutely no one knowing where you are, was a strange sensation. It gave Connor a fluttery feeling of excitement in his chest. He wondered if Larry regretted making him give up his phone now! 

“FUCK YOU LARRY!” Connor yelled out, gripping the steering wheel, a manic grin on his face. He was almost giddy. 

Connor had no idea what he was going to do when he got to Cleveland, or how he was going to find Evan, or even find what venue  _ Sincerely M _ e was playing at, but he figured there wasn’t really anything he could do about that now. So he rehearsed what he was going to say to Evan. 

He ended up just talking out loud, about everything. About Zoe and how terrible he felt about the way he treated her. About how scared he was that he was a bad person, scared that he was an abusive monster. About how he was lonely. About how he wanted to die all the time. About how he felt like everyone had abandoned him. About how much he hated his parents. He talked a lot about Larry. He talked about his favorite bands, about the way Evan’s music made him feel. He talked until his voice was hoarse, and he loved it. It felt like he was loosening the tight, invisible, ever-present grip on his heart.

Larry would probably give a disappointed look, tell him he was blowing everything out of proportion, how if he just ignored his feelings they would go away. He would say that talking to himself made him look crazy. 

“Maybe I am crazy!” Connor said out loud. “Maybe I’m fucking crazy. What would that be like, huh Larry? How embarrassing would it be for you to have to tell all your friends at the club that your son was a nutjob! God!  _ Fuck you _ !” 

Eventually Connor ran out of things to talk about. He found a classic rock station, and for the first time in years, let himself sing along. 

“ _ When I’m deep inside of me  _

_ Don’t be too concerned _

_ I won’t ask for nothin’ while I’m gone _

_ But when I want sincerity  _

_ Tell me where else can I turn _

_ Cause you’re the one I depend on _ ”

When Connor was little, he loved to sing. He and Zoe would sing all the time. He loved to sing and to tap dance. He was good, too. But when he was eleven, some kids came to his school’s choir recital. He had a solo. He was so excited to perform. The kids booed and jeered the entire time, so no one could hear him. When he got to school the next day, everyone was making fun of him, calling him a fag. He went up to one of the kids who’d made fun of him and punched him so hard that he broke the kid’s nose. He got suspended, but no one fucked with him for a month. He stopped singing after that. 

Dancing was a different matter. Connor was able to realize that the other boys wouldn’t appreciate his skills, just by the fact that he was the only one in his tap class. He danced until he was fourteen, throwing himself into it fully. His teacher said he had real talent, he could maybe go professional if he worked his ass off. Then, one day his dad just cancelled his lessons. Took his tap shoes. Said it was distracting him from his schoolwork, and they were “too damn loud” anyway. But Connor heard him arguing with Cynthia one night about how they wouldn’t help him make friends, how they would make him look more gay than he already did. 

Connor idly wondered what Evan would think of his singing and dancing. 

It was around 5 am when Connor arrived in Cleveland. He knew the  _ Sincerely Me _ shows started at seven, so he had sometime to figure out how he was going to find Evan. But first, Connor needed to sleep. He found the nearest motel and parked his car. Then he crawled into the backseat and passed out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor you dumbass you shouldn't be driving so late!!!! Also this was a short chapter again but like *shrug* it is what it is my dude. On an unrelated note, college is a thing and getting applications and shit for it is currently kicking my ass. 
> 
> pls comment because nicholas cage once did magic mushrooms with his cat
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I bitch about school and how the inaccessibility of theatre/demonizing of bootlegs will be the downfall of the medium))
> 
> hey hey here's a video of mike faist singing honesty by billy joel it will change your life: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WZ83E1cum0


	14. Cleveland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which zoe is worried, evan is soft, and heidi hansen saves the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, brief mentions of suicide

Connor woke up at around three in the afternoon, hungry and with stiff joints. He needed food, and he needed gas, and he needed to find Evan. Not necessarily in that order. 

He stopped to get gas and walked into the mini mart by the gas station. He grabbed some chips, mini donuts, water, and a pack of cigarettes. 

“I.D.?” The guy at the desk asked. Connor pulled out his fake I.D. and handed it to the guy. He barely glanced at it before sliding it back to Connor and ringing him up. 

“Hey, uh?” Connor asked. The guy made a sound to signal he was listening. “Have you heard anything about a band, uh,  _ Sincerely Me, _ that’s playing in town tonight?”

The guy scratched his neck, then nodded. “Yeah my sister was talking about that. Apparently tickets are super hard to get.” 

_ “Fuuuuuuuuuck,” _ Connor thought. 

“Yeah, yeah,” He said outloud. “You happen to know where they’re playing?” 

“Um… I’d check the Gladiator’s Stadium? That’s where most big concerts are.”

“Right okay. Do you know where that is?”

“On the corner of Huron and Ontario I think. What are you going to do, shoot up the place?” 

Connor stared at him humorlessly. “Thanks for the help,” He said, voice flat, grabbing the black bag and leaving. 

It didn’t take Connor long to find the stadium, the screen outside reading “SINCERELY ME: NOVEMBER 6 AND 7 AT 7 PM.” He guessed getting there early was his best bet to see the band. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one with that idea. There were about fifteen people in the lobby wearing  _ Sincerely Me _ merch being held back by a security guard. 

Connor skirted around them, trying to get to the security guard and explain his situation. 

“Uh, hi,” He said to the annoyed man whom he’d snuck up on. 

“What do you want?” The man asked. “You need I.D. to get back there.”

“Yeah. So, I, uh, I don’t have I.D., but I really need to see the band.” Connor knew he sounded completely unconvincing. He had no idea how to convince this guard he was friends with the band. If that’s what you could call it. Maybe he was just a crazy stalker who followed them to Cleveland. 

The security guard scoffed. “You and everyone else! No I.D., no access. Sorry kid.” 

Connor tried not to let his anger flare up. He knew the guard was just doing his job. “You don’t understand,” He tried to explain. “I know them.”

“What are you, their cousin, or sibling, or let me guess, childhood best friend?” 

“I seriously need to get in there!” Connor shouted. “Please,” He said, a little quieter. The crowd started to take notice of him. Shouting had clearly gotten their attention. He started to hear whispered conversations.

“ _ Oh my god, that’s him! The one from Philadelphia!” _

_ “Isn’t he Jared Kleinman’s boyfriend?” _

_ “No, no, he’s Evan Hansen’s!”  _ Hansen. So that was his last name. It fit him.

_ “Lucky! Evan is so cute.”  _

_ “Pretty boy, right? That’s what Jared called him?”  _

_ “Hey pretty boy!” _

_ “Are you really dating Evan Hansen?” _

_ “He’s so mysterious! Is he super intense?” _

_ “What’s the sex like? _ ”

Connor blanched. He understood why Evan got anxious around crowds. He was getting anxious. He also understood what Jared meant about being afraid of getting mobbed. 

“Evan, uh, Evan is…” He said. Maybe if he gave them something, then they would calm down. “Evan is lactose intolerant!” 

All hell broke loose. People were screaming, they were on their phones, they were trying to shake Connor down for information. Connor was thinking about fleeing the scene and just breaking into Jared’s audi, when the stage door opened, and a middle aged blonde woman stepped out. The screaming only intensified. 

“ _ That’s Heidi Hansen!” _

_ “Evan’s mom!” _

_ “She’s so wonderful!” _

_ “Adopt me, Heidi! _ ”

Heidi held up her hands. “HEY!” She yelled. The crowd calmed down a little bit. “We are trying to do a sound check! We appreciate that you guys are passionate, but we do need to work to make sure you get an awesome show!” She seemed satisfied with that light chastising, and turned to leave. 

“Heidi! Uh, Mrs. Hansen! Please! Heidi! Hansen!” Connor yelled out, trying to get her attention. The security guard kept him back. Connor wanted to punch him. He knew that wasn’t fair, but he still wanted to. 

Heidi turned to him, impatient and exasperated. “What is it?” She asked, the corners of her mouth tugging into a small frown. 

“Um, I’m a friend of Evan’s,” Connor said, stupidly. Something flashed behind her eyes.

“I don’t have time for this,” She said. 

“CONNOR!” Connor yelled. “My name is Connor Murphy! I met Evan in Philly and we talked and I think Alana might be dating my sister and I really need to see him and he likes fruit bars and trees and feels bad about Jared’s mom’s lasagna and -”

Heidi held up her hand, cutting off his desperate ramblings. “I’ve heard of you, Connor Murphy,” she said. There was something odd in her voice, something Connor couldn’t quite place. It put him on edge, but he needed to make nice with this woman so he could see Evan. “I’ll take you back. Let him in,” She said to the security guard. The security guard allowed Connor to pass. He stepped behind the hulking man and stood there for a second, unsure of what to do. 

“Well?” Heidi asked. “Are ya coming?” Connor snapped out of his strange stasis and followed Heidi the doors leading into the stage. They entered through the auditorium, so Connor had full view of Alana, Jared, and Evan tuning their instruments. 

“Evan!” Heidi called, walking closer to the stage. Evan looked up from his guitar, his blue eyes big and doe-like. “Connor’s here.” 

“C-connor?” Evan asked. He scanned the auditorium, finally resting his eyes on Connor. “Connor! W-what the hell are you d-doing here?” 

“Hey… Evan…” Connor said, his voice shaky. He really hadn’t thought this through. What was he doing there? What was he supposed to say? “Oh I felt alone and you were the only person I could think of who might actually give a shit so I stayed up all night and drove to Cleveland and now I’m sort of stranded here with barely any money and also, no one knows where I am!” 

“I just, uh, wanted to see you?” Connor said, only it came out like a question. “I dunno you said you were always there if I needed anything and I just wasn’t doing good and you know what this is stupid I’m just gonna leave -”

“No, Connor! I’m just surprised is all!” Evan gave him a half smile. “I’m, uh, I’m glad you’re here.” 

Connor’s face burned. “That’s good cause uh, I kind of don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Alana clenched her jaw. “Connor, we will definitely talk about that later. But we have to finish getting ready. Of course you’re welcome to stay here.” She hopped down from the stage and walked up to him, handing him her phone. “Also, please call your sister. Tell her you’re safe. She’s worried sick. She thought you might’ve… well…”

Connor raised an eyebrow. “Committed suicide?” 

Alana exhaled. “Yeah.” 

Connor nodded. “I’ll call her.”

Alana visibly relaxed. She gave him a relieved smile. “Thanks.” She hopped back up on stage, and started talking with some technician about lighting. 

Connor stared at Alana’s phone in his hand. He tentatively unlocked it. The screensaver was a picture of a young Evan, Jared, and Alana, all making silly faces at the camera. Connor’s heart swelled a bit. Alana had braces and big pink glasses, and she was making a peace sign (Connor wasn’t sure if it was ironic or not), Jared had acne, and somehow looked even more dorky, his arm was slung around Alana’s shoulders, and he was making bunny ears behind Evan’s head. And Evan, Evan’s face was rounder, a little chubbier and a little softer. He had a soft smile and was leaning into Jared’s shoulder. Connor’s heart ached for something like that. 

He clicked on the phone icon, seeing that Alana already had Zoe’s contact information. Fingers shaking, Connor clicked “call.” Zoe picked up immediately. 

“‘Lana? What’s up?” 

“Um, it’s not Alana, actually, uh, it’s Connor. Hey Zoe.”

“ _ Connor!  _ What the fuck? Where are you? Are you okay? Why are you calling from Alana’s phone?”

“I’m uh, I’m in Cleveland?” 

“ _ Cleveland!? _ Why the mother fuck are you in Cleveland?” 

“I kind of… drove here… last night? I, I felt so bad, because of how much I’ve hurt you. I thought you would… I thought that you would be better off without me. And, I just, I didn’t know where else to go? So I found out where these guys were play and like, uh, came here, I guess? It sounds really stupid when I say it out loud.” Connor chuckled awkwardly. 

“Yeah! It was really stupid!” Zoe sighed. “Connor, I’m not going to apologize for what I said. You treat me like shit. But I love you, and I… I always will, ya know. But, things, things need to change between us. I don’t… I believe you when you say you don’t want to hurt me. But you still do. And I-I can’t deal with that, ya know? I want you to get help Connor. I want us to have a good relationship. And my life would not be better off without you, because I love you. Um… yeah.”

“I love you too, Zoe.” Connor’s voice was hoarse. He felt a tear slip down his cheek. “And I’m so, so sorry. I want to get better. I want to get better for you.”

Zoe exhaled. “Connor, I don’t… I don’t think it would be the best idea for you to come home right now.” Connor’s stomach dropped. Zoe continued. “It’s just that… dad’s really mad. Like, really mad. Maybe it would be better for you to stay with the band for a bit. Uh, if they’d let you, I mean.” 

“Yeah. Okay.” Connor tried to ignore the disgusting feelings blooming in his chest. 

“Alright. Um, I’ll call you later, okay Connor? I love you.”

“Love you too, Zo.” The line went dead. Heidi came over to him.

“So, how did it go?” She asked. Connor wasn’t sure what to make of Heidi. On one hand, Connor automatically distrusted all authority figures, especially parents, but Heidi hadn’t been terrible to him. Yet. 

“My sister doesn’t think it would be the best idea for me to come back. Lar-, uh, my dad, is really pissed.” Connor’s voice was flat. Sure, he had left, and sure, he didn’t like being home anyway, but there was something about being told not to come home that really stung. 

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” She said, and affectionately rubbed his arm. Connor stiffened. Being touched was unfamiliar for Connor, most people avoided him. He wasn’t sure how if he liked it. He also wasn’t sure if he didn’t. “You are welcome to stay with us for as long as you need. There’s only two more stops on the tour, and then if you need you can stay with Evan and I.” 

“Oh, uh, thanks.” Connor said. He felt stupid. And needy. He didn’t like depending on people. He didn’t trust Heidi. At some point Connor would do something wrong and she’d kick him out.

Still, she gave him a weary, but genuine, smile. “Have you eaten anything?” She asked. 

“Um, I had some chips earlier, so I’m fine. You don’t have to spend money on me.” Connor felt embarrassed by all the attention she was giving him. 

She laughed good-naturedly. “Don’t worry, the venue provides catering. There’s plenty of food to go around. C’mon, let’s get you something to eat.” She pulled him to a green room, shouting an encouraging “You guys are doing great! I’m so proud of you!” to the band as they passed. 

~

Connor watched the concert backstage with Heidi. It was amazing, as expected. Jared and Alana went out for the meet and greet, and Heidi had to talk with a stage manager about something, so Connor was alone with Evan.

Evan looked at him with big, blue eyes full of caring. Connor wasn’t sure if he wanted to punch him or slap him for it. “C-connor? A-are you alright?” Evan asked, his voice soft. 

Connor shook his head. He wasn’t alright. Not just because of Zoe. The oppressive weight of existence had been crushing Connor for as long as he remembered, and he didn’t know how long it would be until his strength gave out. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Evan asked. Connor shook his head. 

“Do you want a hug?” Evan asked. Connor nodded. Evan’s arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him tight, not afraid to be close to Connor. Slowly, Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, resting his head on Evan’s should. He allowed himself to melt into the hug, relaxing his shoulders and spine from their usual painfully stiff position. They stayed like that for awhile, Evan not showing any signs of relenting until Connor let go. 

“You guys did good. With the concert and stuff,” Connor mumbled once they’d split apart. 

“Thanks,” Evan replied, blushing a bit.

“Uh, your mom invited me to stay with you guys for awhile. Is that like… cool with you?” Connor scratched at the back of his hands, avoiding eye contact with Evan. 

“Definitely!” Evan said. “You… you’re my friend, Connor.” Connor couldn’t remember the last time someone had said he was their friend. 

“Hey! Evan! Connor!” Jared called, jogging up to them. “Alana wants sorbet. You guys down?”

Connor pushed down the swell of happiness he felt for being included in their group. They just felt bad for him. They were all best friends, they wouldn’t want him messing up their dynamic. 

“Uh, um, sure, I guess,” Evan said. “I-if you w-want to, Connor.” Jared looked at him with eyebrows raised in question. 

Connor shrugged. “Sure,” He said. 

“Sweet,” Jared put on a dramatic voice. “To the Kleinmobile!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aggggghhhh I don't know if I like this chapter but I also don't have the energy to rewrite it so... here ya go. on the bright side it's like two thousand words so there's that. 
> 
> pls comment because I crave that validation (tm)
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns where I document my slow descent into madness))


	15. And You Wish You Would Be Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which evan's dad is the worst, evan is the best, and connor is going through some shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, self harm, panic attacks, talks of suicide, a bit of internalized homophobia

Life on tour was weird.  _ Sincerely Me _ used a bus, but they also rented out hotels every night. Usually, Jared and Alana would take turns driving the Audi and Evan and Connor would ride in the back. Heidi had to drive back home after Cleveland because she had work, so the only adult supervision was a band of techies and managers. Because they’d booked all the hotel rooms in advance, Jared just slept the spare bed in Alana’s room and Connor slept in the bed that was supposed to be Jared’s in the same room as Evan. 

“So, do you guys go to school?” Connor asked after the show in Indianapolis. It was their last show on the road. Connor had told his mom he was safe and staying with Evan’s family, since apparently she and his dad were still debating whether or not he would be welcome home. He tried not to think about it. 

“I graduated last year,” Alana said. “I did a little extra work and got everything done.” Connor liked the way Alana was proud of her intelligence. She knew she was smart, but wasn’t too braggy about it. 

“Evan and I both do online school,” Jared said. “But we were both already doing it before the band got big. The American Public School System couldn’t handle all of this awesomeness.” Jared did a strange dance, as if to illustrate his awesomeness. 

“What about you, Connor?” Alana asked. “Shouldn’t you be at school?” Connor’s jaw clenched. 

“Um, I never really showed up for school anyway. I guess, I’ve dropped out? I don’t know. I’ll probably just end up getting my G.E.D.” He shrugged, trying to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. He wondered if anyone would notice he’d stopped showing up. He wondered what his parents would tell the school. They wouldn’t want to say he ran away, or that they’d kicked him out, that might ruin the perfect Murphy image. Maybe they’d just tell the school he died. He was probably dead to his parents anyway. 

“Well I’d be happy to help you with any academic pursuits,” Alana said. “Although I’m not sure if I’d need to. Zoe says you’re very intelligent.” So far, Connor had called Zoe from Alana’s phone every day he’d been gone. Their conversations were odd. Both of them were walking on eggshells around each other. 

“I’m not that smart,” Connor didn’t have a hard time with school, and when he still cared he’d been in honors classes, but he didn’t think that made him smart. Alana shrugged but didn’t press the issue. 

~

The Hansen household was an old row house in Naperville, Illinois. It was slightly messy, with faded yellow wallpaper, and well worn, mismatched furniture. It was the exact opposite of Connor’s house, and he loved it. 

“Sorry it’s such a mess,” Evan said when they walked in. Jared had dropped them off. He lived one block down. Heidi was still at work. She was a nurse and student, and Evan said she worked a lot. Technically the tour still had a show, but it was in Chicago, which was only forty-five minutes away from Naperville, so everyone was staying at their houses. 

“I don’t mind,” Connor said. Evan looked like he wanted to say something else, but he just lead Connor up the creaky wooden steps. 

“So, uh, this is the guest room,” Evan said, opening the door to a small room painted light blue with a wooden dresser and a twin bed. “It’s um, not much, but-”

“Evan. Seriously. It’s fine. It’s good.” Connor tried to offer a soothing smile. Evan just nodded. 

“And uh, there’s th-the bathroom,” Evan pointed at the door next to the guest room. “And my room’s right across the hall. He pointed at the door that had “Evan’s Room” written on it in sharpie. 

“I can see,” Connor pointed at the sharpie. 

Evan chuckled. “Yeah, I uh, I did that when I was like, four. My dad was, um, he was not pleased. We tried to get it off but,” He gestured towards the door. 

“What’s he like?” Connor asked. “Your dad?” 

“Well, um, he left when I was seven. Married a cock-tail waitress, Sandy, and uh, now they have their own kids so, I guess, I don’t really know?”

“Hey Evan, no offense,” Connor said, parroting Evan’s own words. “But your dad sounds like a dick.”

Evan scratched the back of his neck, but smiled. “Yeah. Yeah he is. I dunno, though. I don’t really know him. So like, I don’t really care, I guess?” He shrugged. “It’s not really a big deal.” Connor nodded, not wanting to push Evan. 

“So, how does it feel to be famous? I bet everyone on this street wants to be friends with the famous Evan Hansen.”

Evan picked at the thread of his shirt. “N-not really. I’m pretty, um, I’m pretty sure no one really knows I live here? Or they hear like ‘oh the Evan Hansen down the road couldn’t be the same Evan Hansen that’s famous.’ Besides, I don’t think I’m famous. I’m, I’m a, a -”

“A nerd?”

“Well I was gonna say loser but that works too.” The boys chuckled. 

“Um… are you hungry?” Evan asked. 

Connor rolled his eyes. “What is it about you Hansen's, always trying to feed me.” Connor looked at Evan’s face. “Yes, Evan, I could eat.” Evan smiled and lead him down to the kitchen.

~

“So… who’s the little girl in all these pictures?” Connor asked. They were laying on Evan’s couch watching TV. Heidi wasn’t home yet, so there was no one to chastise them for being awake at two in the morning. Jared’s parents and Alana’s dad both wanted to have some one-on-one time with their kids, after them being out of town for months. Evan had seemed kind of down when they got back after the show, so Connor suggested they hang out a bit before going to bed. 

“Oh,” Evan said sleepily. “That’s me.”

“That’s you?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah,” Evan yawned. “I um, came out as trans when I was like ten, and my mom saved up for hormone blockers and stuff, so like, I guess you can ‘barely tell’ or whatever.” 

“Oh,” Connor said stupidly. 

Evan went on. “And like, my mom beings so accepting of my gender made it a lot easier to come out as bi. She’s pretty cool like that.” Connor nodded. Evan turned his attention back to the television. 

_ So Evan is trans. And bi,  _ Connor thought. Larry never liked trans people. He said awful things about them. Gay people, too. But Larry was an asshole, with opinions one would expect to find in an asshole. Besides, Zoe was pan, and that didn’t bother Connor. So this wouldn’t either. And he’d always thought of Evan as a boy. This just gave him more insight into Evan’s life. It wasn’t a big deal. It was fine. Evan’s experiences were part of what made him so great. For some reason, Connor felt really happy that he was okay with Evan’s gender and sexuality. “ _ Wow, wait to make this all about you _ ,” an annoying voice in his head said. Connor didn’t care. Evan was Connor’s friend, and that was all that mattered. Connor was allowed to be happy that Evan liked boys. Or happy that Evan had told him he liked boys. Or whatever. 

~

Connor woke up at four am in a cold sweat. Where was he? What was going on. The lights were off, and so was the television. Someone had put a blanket on him. Evan. Evan’s head was one his chest. His arms around Connor, fast asleep. Connor felt like he was going to throw up. He had to get out out out. His arms felt itchy. He thought about his car. One of the techies had loaded it onto some tow truck and dropped it off at Evan’s. He had cigarettes in there. Evan was still on him. Every part of Connor was hyper aware of Evan’s body. Where Evan’s clothes were touching his skin, where Evan’s skin was touching his clothes. Where Evan’s skin was touching his. Evan’s face, Evan’s hair, Evan’s mouth. Connor’s heart sped up. The skin on the palms of his hands and the bottom of his feet hurt and tingled and felt like it was going to fall off. His hair was too heavy, he face was sweaty, he was too hot, too confined. He squirmed out from under Evan and under the blanket, almost falling to the floor. He crept into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He needed to get to his car. He just needed to get to his car. 

Connor stumbled to the door, unlocking it. He stepped out into the frigid air, letting the cold bath his skin. He ran to his car, not bothering to shut the front door, his barefeet hardly feeling the bite of the snow. Once inside, he lit a cigarette and took few quick drags before turning to the knife. 

Slice. Drag. Repeat

Slice. Drag. Repeat.

Slice. Drag. Repeat.

Slice. Drag. Repeat. 

Slice. Drag. Repeat. 

Until he felt better. Until he was calm. Until his arm couldn’t take the pain or he lost too much blood and fell into a weightless oblivion. 

Someone took his cigarette. Someone was shaking his shoulders. Yelling at him. 

“Connor! Connor!  _ Connor! _ ” Connor turned to look. It was Evan, standing in the snow, tears streaming down his face. God, he was so pathetic. Connor wasn’t using the knife on  _ him _ . 

“ _ What _ Evan!” Connor snapped. 

“C-connor,” Evan said, desperately trying to keep his voice steady. “G-give me th-the knife. W-we can talk through this.” 

“Oh my god, Evan! Go spout your ‘It Gets Better’ bullshit at a Ted Talk, cause I’m not fucking interested!” 

“Connor-”

Connor threw the knife onto the passenger seat. “You don’t get it Evan! Just because you’re shy doesn’t mean you know what I’m going through!” Connor was yelling now. 

“I don’t get it?  _ I _ don’t ‘ _ get it’ _ !” Evan made air quotes around the words “get it.” He ripped off his jacket and thrust out his arms. They were covered in tiny white scars. “I threw myself out of a fucking tree Connor! Because I wanted to die! Because I hated myself  _ that _ much! And then when I didn’t die, my first thought wasn’t ‘oh good! I’m still alive’ it was ‘wow Evan you’re such a fuck up you can’t even kill yourself right’! I met Alana at an intensive therapy program for kids on suicide watch! I used to stockpile my anxiety medication, waiting for the day when I could finally end it all! Don’t you fucking tell me what I don’t get! Connor, Zoe has told you, I have told you, hell you even said it yourself, you need help! You can’t keep doing this to yourself!”

“You don’t even fucking  _ know _ me, Hansen!”

“Then why are you here! You keep telling me that I don’t know you, that I can’t care about you, that we aren’t friends! I’m not the one who tracked you down, Connor! I’m not the one who’s in your driveway right now!”

“Fine! Then I’ll just leave!” Connor scrambled for his keys. Evan reached over and grabbed them, throwing them into the snow. 

“Connor!” He said. His voice was quiet and hoarse. Tears still sat in the corners of his eyes. “Please. Please just tell me what’s wrong.” He grabbed Connor’s hands, holding around his wrists, placing his thumb on the underside of them. 

Connor stared at Evan. He couldn’t tell him why he freaked out. Evan had just opened up to him. He’d seen the scars all over his body. He couldn’t hurt Evan more than he already had. “I-I don’t know.” Connor lied. “I just woke up and… and I freaked out.” 

Evan nodded, his eyes sincere and understanding. “I get that. Sometimes I have these horrible dreams and I wake up in a panic, even though I don’t remember them.”

Connor nodded numbly. He felt like dirt. He didn’t understand why he freaked out. Evan hadn’t done anything wrong. And here he was, out in the snow, telling Connor intimate details about his life, while Connor lied to his face. 

“Do you want to talk about anything?” Evan asked. 

“No, I, uh, I think I want to go to bed.” Connor said. Evan nodded. 

Connor laid in the guest bed for the rest of the night, staring at the glow in the dark stars pasted on the ceiling, not sleeping at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooooo have you listened to Bare: A Pop Opera??? because it is wonderful and fantastic and gay and will make you cry. I just watched it for the first time and I am EMOTIONAL.
> 
> pls comment because jellyfish don't have hearts
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and talk to me about bare because i'm reeling guys it's so good it's so good and the fandom is the size of a thimble and i just aghghgghgghghhhhh))


	16. The Love Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor dances, evan sings, and feelings are felt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, self hatred, mentions of suicide

“Zoe, seriously, I don’t want to.” Connor’s day was not getting better. 

“Please, Connor, she just wants to talk to you!” Evan had lent Connor his phone to call Zoe.

“Well I don’t give a mother fuck!” So far the conversation was not going well. Connor was pacing the kitchen, talking loudly into the phone as Evan sat on one of the barstools at the counter, trying to look like he wasn’t listening. 

“Here you go mom!” Zoe said loudly. Connor groaned as he heard the phone change hands. 

“Connor!” Cynthia exclaimed. Connor could hear her trying to hold back tears. “Are you alright, baby?” She hadn’t called him ‘baby’ in years. 

“No mom, I’m sucking dick for meth as we speak,” Connor said flatly. Evan shot him a look. He groaned. “I mean, I’m fine mom. I’m staying with a friend and his mom.” 

“Oh thank god!” His mother said. Connor tried not to roll his eyes, tried to convince himself that she genuinely gave a shit. 

There was an awkward silence. “Well, this was a nice talk, mom, but I’ve got to get going now. Drugs to do, prostitutes to fuck, all that.” 

“Connor!” She took a deep breath. “Please stay on the line. I’m sorry about this mess. I’ve talked to your father, and you can come home whenever you want. We all miss you, and want to have you here.” Connor had a hard time believing that. 

“I want therapy,” Connor said. Evan gave him an encouraging smile. 

Cynthia made a strangled sound. “Connor, we’ve talked about this, your father-”

“Is an asshole. I’m… I don’t want to set myself up to fail, mom. I don’t… I don’t want to hurt Zoe anymore. I need help.” 

Cynthia inhaled loudly. “Okay. I’ll talk to your father. And, Connor? I, I love you. You know that right?”

Connor knew what he was supposed to say. 

“Bye mom.” He hung up the phone and took a deep breath. He handed the phone back to Evan. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Evan asked. 

“Fuck, man, not really.” Connor said. Evan pursed his lips, but didn’t press the issue. 

“Jared and Alana should be here to pick me up for rehearsal,” Evan said. “Do you want to come along?”

Connor did want to come along, badly. He nodded in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner. 

Sincerely Me’s rehearsal studio was an old dance studio that Alana’s aunt rented out to them. They could afford a more professional rehearsal space but Evan said there was just “something about the energy” that made it impossible to give it up. 

“Okay!” Alana said once they’d all settled in. “What should start with! Evan, how are those new songs coming?” 

Evan’s face went red. “Um th-the words fail one is… still r-rough I guess, and uh, the rehab one is, um, not great.” 

“What do you mean?” Alana asked. 

“I mean it’s… kinda shit? Like it’s fun but it doesn’t really fit our… vibe?” 

“Okay well now we’ve got to hear it!” Jared said. 

Evan blushed further. He grabbed his guitar and plucked out a short riff. 

“ _ Life in rehab is alright _

_ You’ll like the yoga, and the sharing circles every night _

_ But the stories stories there will scare you half to death… _ ” Evan paused, then glanced at Connor and grinned. 

“ _ So many people end up sucking dick for meth. _ ” 

Jared was cracking up, and Alana was trying to stifle giggles. “I can see what you mean about it not being our style,” she said. 

“The fuck do you mean?” Jared asked. “I think it’s a  _ bop _ ! We should name the next album  _ Sucking Dick For Meth _ .” Now that he knew Jared, Connor understood the album title “ _ The Most Amazing Trees _ .” 

“Do you guys want to run  _ Here Comes The Anxiety _ ?” Evan asked, changing the subject. 

“Sure!” Alana said, swinging the strap of her bass over her shoulder. 

“I still think we should get someone to play the drums on this song,” Jared grumbled. 

“Well when you find someone who can play the drums that all three of us can get along with, give me a call,” Evan said. “Actually don’t. I don’t do well with phone calls.” 

Alana started a metronome and then counted them in. Evan started singing. 

“ _ Well it's 20 minutes 'til showtime,  _ __   
_ but the backstage is the stage tonight,  _ __   
_ so now,  _ __   
_ I think I'll just be honest.  _ __   
_ I hope that no one ever leaves,  _ __   
_ 'cause I don't wanna be alone with me,  _ __   
_ not with the things that rush up and down this symphonious spine.  _ __   
_ Here comes the love anxiety,  _ __   
_ can't let it grab a hold of me,  _ _   
_ __ not like the last time. ” 

They played a few other songs, some that Connor recognized and others he didn’t. After about three hours, they took a break. Jared called for pizza. The four of them were sitting around talking, with Alana texting Zoe. 

She chuckled at something and then looked at Connor. “Connor, Zoe says you dance?” 

Connor’s face burned. “I used to. My dad said that dancing was kind of gay and he made me stop.”

“Well,” Jared said. “I’m  _ also _ kind of gay, so there’s that. You should dance for us, pretty boy!” He put down his pizza to annoyingly poke at Connor’s sides. 

“No way,” Connor said.

“C’mon! Connor, connor, connor!” Jared started to chant. 

“Shut up, Kleinman!” Connor shoved him good naturedly. 

“I’d like to see you dance,” Evan mumbled. Connor groaned loudly, but stood up and dusted himself off dramatically. Jared clapped loudly, and Alana held up her phone, no doubt filming for Zoe. 

“I’ll need some music,” Connor said, only half joking. Evan smiled and started riffing. “Alright then,” Connor said. “I’m rusty, it’s been a few years,”

“Just go!” Alana called. Jared wolf-whistled. Connor sighed and started to tap on the floor. It didn’t work very well since he didn’t have any tap shoes, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it. He started out with simple stuff, a few timesteps and such, before getting the hang of it again, tapping out an old routine his teacher taught him. 

He finished with a dramatic bow. “It wasn’t very good, I messed up a bunch of steps and-”

Jared cut him off. “Shut up asshole, it was great.” 

“That was awesome, Connor,” Alana said. “I’m sure Zoe will love it too.”

“Don’t send it to her!” Connor protested. 

“Too late!” Alana flashed a devilish smile. 

“You did good,” Evan said once Connor had sat back down. 

“You didn’t tell me you were like, a riffing master,” Connor said.

“Well you didn’t tell me you were a world class tap dancer!” Evan countered.

“We all have our secrets, Hansen,” Connor said, raising his eyebrows. 

Evan smiled. “Yes. I guess we do.” Connor wasn’t sure what was happening with him and Evan. He’d never gotten attached to someone so quickly. He’d never gotten attached to anyone really. But he really liked Evan. Sure, he liked Jared and Alana, but that wasn’t on the same as the way he felt for Evan. 

He remembered when Zoe had come out to him, how she’d asked if he liked girls. He’d said yes, but deep down he wasn’t sure. Connor had never had a crush on a girl, but he’d never really had a crush on anyone. But Connor couldn’t have a crush on Evan. Even if he was gay, Evan would never like him that way. No one would ever like him that way. 

Connor needed to accept the fact that he was going to be alone forever. If somehow he did fool someone into loving him, he would just hurt them. Push them away. Like he did with Zoe. Sure they were talking, but it was awkward. Strained. Connor wished he could be better. Be a better brother, a better friend, a better person.

“Hey, Connor?” Evan asked, lightly touching his back. “You alright?” 

“Yeah. No. I…” Connor trailed off.

“I think that’s enough rehearsal today,” Alana said. 

“Do you guys want a ride home?” Jared asked. 

Connor nodded. “That would be great.” Evan said. 

“Connor,” Evan said once they got back to his house. “Talk to me, please.”

Connor remembered all the times someone had said this to him. His mother, his sister, his teachers and guidance counselors. He shut everyone down, and eventually they would stop trying. Connor was so tired. He didn’t have the energy to push Evan away, to keep it all in. It was like a dam broke inside of him. 

“I’m just… I just hate myself,” Connor’s voice broke. “So much.” He felt tears streaming down his face. “I get so angry, and it’s… it’s like, I-I can see myself from the outside, and I know what I’m doing is wrong, b-but I still do it. And I just, hurt all of the time, Evan. Everything is so hard. And I’m so tired. I’m so fucking tired of it all. I can’t… I just can’t do it anymore. And no one likes me. I know I’m an asshole, and I push everyone away but… no one has ever liked me Evan. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m so unloveable. Why I’m such a monster. Why I keep hurting Zoe, the only good part of my life. I just feel like it would be so much easier if I wasn’t here. If I could just float into the sky and never come back. And… and sometimes I’ll think I’m doing better, b-but then I just go and fuck it all up again. The smallest things will just… and I’ll just… and I just… I just can’t do it, Evan, I can’t do any of it. 

Evan wrapped his arms around Connor. Connor relaxed into the embrace, letting go of control for once in his life. He let himself cry. He was too tired to push down all of his feelings. All of the things that made him soft and complicated and vulnerable. And Evan was holding him. Evan was touching him. Evan, Evan, Evan. Evan reached up and wiped tears the tears off of Connor’s cheeks, cupping Connor’s face in his hands. 

“Hey,” He whispered, looking into Connor’s eyes. “Thank you. Thank you for telling me. I promise, Connor, I will never leave you.” 

And Connor wanted Evan to kiss him. 

And Evan kissed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy In The Heights Day! Also like, hmu in the comments if you'd be interested in a companion fic to this one about Alana, Evan, and Jared and their experiences and how they all became friends and formed their band and stuff because I kind of want to write that if anybody would want to read it. 
> 
> pls comment because I legit cried while writing this chapter
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I vociferate about kristolyn lloyd and the sad state of global politics))
> 
> here's a video of mike faist tapping, you're welcome: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvI84oVuivI
> 
> and here's the song that Evan and the gang were singing (it's one of my faves): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSHeskCnXz0


	17. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor has some shit to work out, evan feels bad, and counsel is given from the insanely helpful jared kleinman

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, internalized homophobia, drugs and alcohol, talks of suicide

Evan was kissing Connor.

Connor was kissing Evan. 

Connor and Evan were kissing.

Evan’s body was pressed into his, pushing him against the side of the couch. Connor’s hands were on Evan’s hips. It was exhilarating. It was terrifying. He didn’t… he couldn’t… he was kissing Evan. Evan was a boy. Evan was touching him, Evan was on top of him, it was too much. Too much, too much, too much. 

“Evan,” Connor mumbled, “Evan, stop.” Evan sprang off of him instantly, a string of profuse apologies spilling from his lips. 

“OhmygodConnorI’msosorryIshouldn’tdonethatItotallycrossedalineandIdon’tevenknowifyoulikeboysand-”

Connor cut him off. “Evan, you aren’t helping!” Connor ran a hand through his hair, tugging a bit. “It’s, fuck, it’s  _ fine _ .” Connor was trying to keep calm. He didn’t want to take out all of his confused feelings on Evan, but Evan was making it difficult. 

“Noit’snotfinethatwasn’tokayandpleasedon’thatemeand-” Tears were streaming down Evan’s blubbering face. 

“Dude! Stop! Just, will you, can you just shut up for a second! I need to, fuck, I need to think.” Connor could tell that Evan was trying not to say anything, trying not to hug him or cry or apologize. Connor needed out. He grabbed his car keys and headed for the door. Evan made a strangled sound. Connor turned to look at him, his eyes vulnerable and scared and beautiful. 

“Look, Evan, I… I  _ like _ you, okay. I like… kissing you and shit. I just, I need to, I… fuck,” And Connor was out the door. 

 

~

Connor wasn’t sure how he’d ended up at Jared’s house. He wasn’t even sure it was Jared’s house. Evan had said that Jared lived a block away, and Connor had just been circling the small town, smoking rapidly, and had caught sight of a house with a familiar Audi in the driveaway. Before he’d completely registered what he was doing, Connor was banging on the Kleinman’s door. 

“What the fuck?” Jared asked when he opened the door. “What are you doing here, Connor? Are those cigarettes?”

“Uh… yeah?” 

“Dude you’re gonna get me fucking killed.” Jared shooed him out of the doorframe and followed him outside, closing the door behind him. He seemed much more relaxed when they’d walked a little bit away from his house. 

“Wanna smoke?” Connor asked, offering the box. Jared shook his head. 

“Nah. I can’t do that shit,” He said. 

Connor cocked an eyebrow and took a long drag. “I wouldn’t have pegged you as a goody two shoes, Kleinman,” He said. 

Jared laughed. “Evan didn’t tell you?” He asked. Seeing Connor had no idea what he meant, Jared went on. “Yeah, uh, I’m an alcoholic. Bit of a smoker, too. I used to get blackout drunk all the time,” He laughed humorlessly. “Til one night my parents found me passed out in a park. The had the sense to figure out I was trying to chase my problems with liquor, even if I didn’t. So they uh, stuck me in a program for suicidal kids with this annoying brat Evan whose mom was friends with my mom.” He smiled a bit, then shook his head. 

“Shit man,” Connor said. Jared laughed. 

“Yeah. It really freaked my parents out. They only let me go on tour because they trust Evan and Alana so much. Which, is, yeah okay whatever dudes.” Connor had questions, but didn’t want to press. Jared turned to him. “But enough about me. What brought you to Casa De Kleinman this fine eve?” 

“Um…” Connor exhaled. “Evan kissed me.” 

Jared stopped. “Well shit.” He was quiet for a second. “Judging by the fact you’re talking to me and not ravishing Evan on his racecar sheets, I’m gonna say it didn’t go well?” 

“I would say it went… not… good,” Connor said. “I mean, I… I enjoyed it, but -”

“So then what’s the issue?” 

“I freaked out! I went off the fucking deep end and then I left, and Evan probably hates me now and”

“I’m pretty sure Evan doesn’t hate you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s kind of been in love with you since the two of you met.” 

Connor continued on as if Jared hadn’t said anything. “And I don’t even know if I’m gay, except that I kind of do, but like, ugh that’s just one more way that I’m fucked up and every time people touch me I go crazy and I just, Evan’s so great he doesn’t deserve to be stuck with someone like me and I just, fuck Kleinman, I don’t know.” 

“Okay,” Jared said. “First of all, being gay does not mean being fucked up.” Connor must’ve made a face because Jared then said, “I get that’s probably not what you meant. Also, I’m pretty sure that if you were to explain to Evan that you have some sensory issues he’d understand. And Connor, I don’t know you that well, but I know Evan. And he’s pretty damn great. So I’ll trust his judgement and say that you can’t be all that bad. I have a feeling that under all that teenage angst you’re just a big teddy bear.” 

“Uh. Thanks, Kleinman.”

Jared slugged his shoulder good naturedly. “Anytime, pretty boy. Anything else you want to hash out or…?”

Connor shook his head. “No, I, I think I need to go talk to Evan.” 

~

“Oh my god, C-connor, I was s-so worried,” Evan said when Connor came back in. Connor could see that his eyes were puffy and his face was blotchy. His heart sank. 

“I’m… I’m sorry. Uh. For storming out,” Connor said, avoiding eye contact. Evan looked like he wanted to reach out and touch Connor, but was restraining from doing so. 

“It-it’s fine. It’s n-not a… a big d-deal.”

“Bullshit, Hansen.” 

Evan smiled a bit. “Um, wh-where did you go?” 

“I talked to Kleinman, actually.” 

“J-Jared? Y-you talked t-to Jared?” 

“Uh, yeah. He was, it was, um, it helped. My dad, he uh, he’s never liked me all that much, ya know. And like, he, fuck, I dunno he’s like very, um, all American, I guess? Like, he’s, no cool with gay people, or whatever? Like he pretends to be, cause he’s like a lawyer and stuff and being against gay people is like, bad for business. And um, he’s been kind of, calling me a fag my entire life? And doesn’t like the stuff I do cause it’s like… gay or whatever. So I’ve never wanted to like, admit that I was, yanno, that I like boys. I just, fuck, I just don’t want him another reason to hate me.” Connor’s voice cracked. “Fuck,” He said under his breath as a wayward tear slipped down his face. Evan took a step towards him. Connor hurriedly wiped his face. He had to get this out before he turned into a blubbering mess. “But I am gay. And I do like boys. Uh,  _ you _ , are the, the boy that I like. Fuck I’m bad at this. Also I can’t, the touching? It like, it freaks me out. Um. I’m not sure why I guess, I’m not used to it? But I also like it? Like, I dunno. Soft touches? I guess? I don’t like feeling uh, trapped, I guess. And like, I guess what I’m saying is, that uh time you kissed me, like, a minute ago, um, can we do that again?” Connor stared at his shoes, itching at his arms. Evan’s hand lightly grazed his.

“Is this okay?” Evan asked, voice soft. 

“Yeah,” Connor whispered. His fingers lightly grazed Evan’s jaw, pulling him in for a soft kiss. “Yeah it is.” 

~

Connor was in Evan’s room. In Evan’s bed. In Evan’s house. Evan Evan Evan. Evan was curled up next to Connor, quietly snoring while he slept. Connor absentmindedly traced his fingers up and down Evan’s freckled arm. Connor loved Evan’s room. He loved the walls, covered in pictures of trees, of animals, of Heidi and Jared and Alana. He loved the floor, littered with clothing and sheet music and old prescription bottles. He even loved the racecar sheets stretched over the bed that was a bit two small for two teenage boys. 

Despite the rocky parts, Connor would say this had been a good day. When Heidi had gotten home with Chinese food Connor and Evan had been curled up on the couch, watching the movie version of the Little Prince, which Connor hadn’t previously known existed. They had a nice dinner, and (thankfully) Heidi didn’t say anything, even though Connor was pretty sure she knew. They’d laid in Evan’s bed and talked. Evan talked to Connor about music and trees, Connor talked to Evan about books and dancing. Evan told Connor stories about Jared and Alana and Connor told Evan stories about Zoe. Connor was comfortable. Connor felt safe. For the first time in a long time, Connor went peacefully into sleep, rather than have it pull him into fitful darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared Kleinman backstory unlocked. also, you guys didn't think i was going to let you have that kiss without some hardcore angst did you?? luckily all is well. for now. ;)
> 
> pls comment because the average lifespan of a garden ant is fifteen years
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I sob about jared kleinman redemption arcs and my undying love for will roland))


	18. Each Day's Another Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which jared is the light of my life, connor and evan are soft, and the murphy parents can get fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, bad parents

Connor should’ve known that the universe couldn’t afford him a full twenty four hours of happiness.

He woke up to Evan’s phone buzzing rapidly with texts from Zoe and Alana. Evan sleepily passed Connor the phone to read what they were saying. Connor tried to get his eyes to focus. He really needed some new fucking glasses. He scanned through the texts, words popping out occasionally. Once he got the full message, his delusional bubble of domestic blissed popped. 

 

From: Zoe Murphy

7:32 am

Parents

 

From: Zoe Murphy

7:32 am

On plane

 

From: Zoe Murphy

7:33 am

Coming to get you

 

From: Zoe Murphy

7:33 am

Call me ASAP. 

 

“What the fuck, Zo!? What is going on!” 

Zoe’s voice was rushed and quiet. “You called at the perfect time, mom and dad are at the gate and I’m in line at a bagel place.” 

“Not important! What do you mean they’re coming here!” 

“Well they had a huge blowout last night about you running away and how you want to go to therapy and how mom is just welcoming you back but dad is being too harsh and blah and blah and blah, and anyway, it ended with mom buying three plane tickets to Illinois. You have four hours. Fuck I have to go I’ve been spotted.”

“Zoe don’t hang up. Zoe! Zoe!”

“Sorry!” Zoe squeaked, and the line went dead. 

Connor was dumbfounded. Evan turned to him, his hair tousled and his face droopy from sleep.

“What’s up?” He asked. 

“My parents are coming,” Connor’s voice was flat. 

“W-what?” Evan asked. “H-here? T-to my house? They’re… wh-what?” 

“Yeah.” Connor took a deep breath. “Yeah they’re, um, they’re coming here.” Connor was desperately trying not to freak out. Larry would say something homophobic, or his mom would say something bitchy, and Evan would realize he didn’t want to deal with that in his life. Or they would be judgemental and terrible and say Connor couldn’t see the only friends he’d ever made. Or they would realize that he was gay and send him to one of those conversion camps that he’d seen documentaries on. Or they would realize that Zoe and Alana were dating and blame Connor and say he couldn’t see Zoe anymore. Whatever it was, it would be terrible and they would ruin everything, the way that they always did. 

“Connor? H-hey, hey, c-come back to me. G-get, get out of your head,” Evan was rubbing circles on the back of Connor’s hand with his thumbs. 

“Promise me that when my parents come you won’t hate me because of them?” Connor said, looking at Evan. 

“Of course not.” Evan pecked Connor softly on the lips. “It’ll be fine, Connor. We’ll get through this.” 

~

Connor was not doing well. Alana had come over to Evan’s to see Zoe and Jared had come for “moral support” and “ass-kicking if needed.” Connor had a sneaking suspicion he just didn’t want to be left out. Heidi was at work, but she’d promised to get back as soon as possible. 

Evan rubbed circles on Connor’s back. “I-it’ll be fine. We’ll be fine,” He said. He sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Connor. A knock sounded at the door. 

“Zoe!” Alana shrieked, heading for the door. She caught herself before she could open it. “Uh, sorry,” she blushed. 

“N-no, um, actually ‘Lana, if you could grab the door that would be great,” Evan said. He was picking at his shirt and his fingernails and his belt loops and face. Alana nodded and slowly opened the door. 

“Alana!” Zoe yelped, pushing through their parents to pull Alana into a fierce hug, picking her up and spinning her around. She cleared her throat. “Uh, mom, dad, this is my _ friend _ , Alana.” 

Cynthia smiled distractedly. “That’s nice, honey.” She walked into the house, tears misting in her eyes. “ _ Connor!” _ She cried, pulling him into a strangling hug. “Oh baby I missed you so much!” She was full on sobbing at this point. 

Larry cleared his throat. “Cynthia,” He said. She let go. 

“I am allowed to hug my son, Larry.”

Larry frowned. “I didn’t say you couldn’t, now did I.” Larry turned to Connor. “Connor,” He said. 

Connor glared. “Larry.” 

Cynthia made a distressed sound. “I do not need you boys fighting with each other! You haven’t seen each other in a week!” 

“And whose fault is that?” Larry said. 

Connor scoffed. “I’m not the one who told his son he couldn’t come home!” 

“I never said that!”

“Oh no you just threw such a shit fit that Zoe was worried I’d get hurt if I came home!” 

“Connor you’re being ridiculous!” 

“Oh  _ fuck you,  _ Larry!” 

“Connor,” Evan’s voice came from his side. It was soothing rather than condescending. Connor clenched his jaw. 

“Sorry,” He forced out. Evan squeezed his hand from behind the couch. Connor squeezed back. “So. Does this mean that you’re so graciously allowing me back into your divine home?” Connor asked, trying to keep his voice bored and mocking. 

Larry didn’t say anything. 

“Of course baby,” Cynthia said, shooting a look at her husband. “We have four tickets for a plane home tomorrow. And,” she reached into her purse and pulled out a box. “Here’s this.” Connor took the box. It was a new phone. 

“Thanks,” He said. 

“I’ll set that up for ya, pretty boy,” Jared said, grabbing the box out of his hand and winking at him. 

“Much obliged, Kleinman,” He said sarcastically. 

Connor could feel his dad’s eyes on him. He stared his dad down. “Have you thought about what I said about therapy?” 

The color drained from Cynthia’s face. “Connor, love,” She started.

Larry cut her off. “Connor, you don’t need therapy. Therapy is for pussies.” Alana made a snorting noise. Larry raised his eyebrows at her. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, no, uh, I didn’t say anything,” Alana spluttered out. 

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Dad, you’re being an idiot.” 

“ _ Excuse _ me?” Larry’s eyes widened. Zoe didn’t back down. 

“Connor has been an asshole for the past… forever, and, and now he’s actually trying to do something about it and you won’t let him because of your archaic beliefs!” 

“Zoe Darlene Murphy-”

“Don’t you ‘Zoe Darlene Murphy’, me, _ Larry _ ! You’re just trying to pull the authority card because you want me to shut up! Because you know I’m right!” 

“This is not about my beliefs! Connor does not need therapy!”

“Well you don’t need golf! Mom doesn’t need her vegan yoga-lates retreats! I don’t  _ need _ jazz band! Why does it matter! It’s not about money! It’s about the fact that you never let Connor do anything! You made him quit dance, you encouraged him to quit choir, why do you hate him so much!” 

“I do not hate, Connor!” 

“Really, Larry!” Connor cut in. “Because you could’ve fucking fooled me!” 

“Oh my god, Connor! Will you please stop being so overdramatic!” 

“Are you fucking kidding me? When have you  _ ever _ made  _ any _ implication you might like me!” 

“Connor I have tried! I have tried for seventeen years and you have never made it easy!”

“Maybe because I  _ fucking need therapy _ ! Or medication! Or something other than you constantly criticising me!” 

“Whatever! Do what you want, Connor. Go to your fucking therapy! Have some queer hold you hand and tell you nothing's your fault. When you want to make it in the real world, and act like a man, I’ll be here.” He turned to leave. “Let’s go, Cynthia.” 

“Uh, um, uh, M-mister and m-m-missus Murphy? M-my uh, my m-mother wanted t-to invite you over for, uh, f-for, um, for d-dinner? T-tonight? A-at s-seven?” Evan squeaked out, trembling. 

Cynthia smiled. “Thank you, uh, young man. -”

“Evan,” Connor said. 

“Evan,” Cynthia repeated. “We’ll be here.” She flashed a tight smile to all of the kids and left with her husband. 

“ _ Holy shit _ !” Jared laughed. “I thought my parents were bad! Tell me, does your dad play golf with the president? Oh, Connor, here’s your phone.” Jared tossed Connor his phone. The backscreen was the picture of him with the stuffed bear on his head, and he saw that Jared has already loaded some contacts. 

_ “The Tree Fucker <3 _

_ Literally Hermione Granger _

_ The More Attractive Murphy Child _

_ The Coolest Person You Will Ever Meet” _

Connor thought about changing them, but he didn’t have the heart. He’d never had that many contacts in his phone, and he’d never had people with nicknames. No one had been close enough to Connor for that. He smiled at his phone. Jared had also downloaded Instagram and Tumblr. Connor didn’t have an Instagram, but for the first time, he thought he might make one. 

~

Alana and Zoe had commandeered the guest room, saying they needed privacy, and Jared had been called home by his parents, leaving Evan and Connor to help Heidi cook dinner. 

“Connor, how do you parents feel about spaghetti bolognese?” Heidi asked. She was still in her nurse’s uniform, frayed blonde hair falling out of her ponytail. Connor had asked Evan why she had to work so hard with all of his success, and he’d told her that his mom didn’t take any of his money, having him save it rather for college and housing. Of course she’d occasionally let him buy things for her, or for him, like nice cell phones or computers, but for the most part as the parent Heidi still felt responsible for the finances. Connor admired that. He thought if he came into an obscene amount of money his parents would try to take every cent. 

“Um, I think my mom is vegan this month,” Connor said. “Or maybe she’s buddhist?” Heidi’s face fell. “You know what Mrs. Hansen, spaghetti bolognese will work fine.” She smiled gratefully and started pulling out pots and pans. 

“How are you feeling?” Evan asked.

“Fuck, Evan, I don’t know. Um… shitty?” Connor said. “I’m not excited for my parents to come back. I wouldn’t say that our talk earlier went  _ well _ .”

“Hey, you set boundaries, and that’s good. I think you did good for uh, for the most part.” Connor smiled a bit. 

“Thanks,” He said, pecking Evan on the cheek. 

“And hey, now you have your phone, and you can talk to me whenever you want. See, I’ll text you now.”

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

5:37 pm

Hi <3

 

From: Connor <3 <3 

5:37 pm

ur a nerd 

 

From: Connor <3 <3

5:38 pm

but i like it

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

5:38 pm 

:-D

 

“Boys? Can you please help me out with this?” Heidi asked, shoving various vegetables in their arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I went a day without uploading the world is ending everything is terrible and we're all gonna die!!! jk. I got yanked out of the isolation pit that is my bedroom by some well meaning friends who wanted to make sure I hadn't killed myself and therefore didn't have access to my computer for a bit! then I tried to upload but my computer kept crashing and tbh I would rather real life didn't exist so I could just write stories for you guys all the time but alas I'm told that's "extremely unhealthy." fuck this is long. 
> 
> tl;dr - sorry bout not updating yesterday
> 
> pls comment because hippos have pink milk 
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns so you can invade my askbox and tell me to get my ass off tumblr and write (don't actually do that pls) ))


	19. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which larry is the worst, jared is the best, and connor and evan say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, homophobia and gendered language

Larry and Cynthia returned to the house at 7:10, armed with tight, pleasant smiles and an expensive bottle of vintage wine. 

“Hi,” Heidi said. She’d showered and changed into a nice dress. “I’m Heidi Hansen, Evan’s mom.” She smiled a customer service type smile. Evan and Connor had briefed her on the fact that Connor’s parents didn’t know he was gay. She’d made a tsk sound, but had promised not to rat them out. Connor wished Heidi was his mom. 

“Cynthia Murphy,” Cynthia said, shaking Heidi’s hand. “And this is my husband, Larry.”

“Nice to meet you,” Larry said cordially. 

“We brought you a ‘68 Merlot from a nice little outlet in Chicago. They only import from all vegan vineyards.” Cynthia handed Heidi the wine. 

“Oh, um, thank you,” She said. “Much better than the boxed wine I had planned!” She laughed a bit. Cynthia gave an uncomfortable chuckle. Larry didn’t react. “Well, uh, come in!” Heidi moved out of the way allowing the Murphy parents to comfortably take in the atmosphere of her house. Connor could feel their eyes judging everything. 

“Zoe! Alana! The Murphy’s are here!” Heidi called upstairs. The two girls came down the stairs, with forced smiles. Everyone sat in an awkward silence. Evan tapped something out on his phone. “I’ll pour some wine,” Heidi said, retreating to the kitchen. A few minutes later, Jared came through the door. 

“Hoped you saved some room Aunt H!” He called.

Heidi carried two wine glasses out. “I always do, Jared. How’re your mom and dad?” Jared smiled. 

“Good. They miss you. Mom wanted to invite you to bridge Thursday night.”

“I think I should be free.” She handed the wine glasses to Larry and Cynthia. 

“Awesome. That way, while you’re at my house, Ev, Lana, and I can throw a kegger!” 

Heidi laughed. Connor was surprised at how charming Jared could be. Especially since he was usually so vulgar. 

“Shall we eat?” Cynthia asked. 

Heidi nodded. “I made spaghetti bolognese,” She said, gesturing to the cramped dining table. 

“Heidi? Do you have any of those bag cesar salads left?” Alana asked. 

“Why dear, oh shit! You don’t eat meat! I’m so sorry, Lana!” 

Alana smiled. “It’s okay! Don’t fret. I can find something.” Alana rummaged through the refrigerator while everyone else sat down. 

“I’m so glad you and Alana have become such fast friends,” Cynthia said to Zoe. 

Zoe rolled her eyes a little. “Yeah mom. Me too.” 

Alana sat down with what looked like to be left over cheese pizza. Everyone else dished out the spaghetti and started eating in tense, pregnant, silence. 

“So,” Heidi said. “How are you finding Illinois?” 

“Cold,” Larry said, finishing his third glass of wine. 

“Thank you so much, for watching Connor while… well… you know,” Cynthia said. 

“Of course! Connor’s a lovely boy.”

Larry poured himself another glass. “Connor and Evan seemed to have gotten close,” He said. 

“Well, they’re both good kids. And they’ve had, similar struggles.” Heidi smiled.

“What do you mean by struggles?” Cynthia asked through tight lips. 

“Oh, uh, I mean, every teenage boy goes through struggles and,” Heidi spluttered.

“Evan and I are both fucked up,” Connor said. “The difference is, Evan gets therapy.” 

“Oh, Evan, you go to therapy?” Cynthia asked. 

“So that’s where he got it from,” Larry mumbled into his plate. Cynthia shot him a look. 

“Y-yes, M-Mrs. Murphy. I, uh, I’ve gone s-since I was a-about fourteen. Um, it’s uh, r-really helped,” Evan fiddled with his shirt. Connor squeezed his hand from under the table. 

“Couldn’t have helped that much if you’ve still got that stutter!” Larry said. Connor could tell he was joking, but it wasn’t funny, and no one laughed. Larry cleared his throat. “So, Evan, you got a girlfriend?” 

“W-what? Uh, no, I don’t, I um, n-no, uh, I don’t have a, uh, a girlfriend,” Evan rambled. 

Larry chuckled. “I would’ve thought someone as famous as you would have girls lining up around the block!” 

“‘M n-not famous,” Evan mumbled. Larry opened his mouth, but Jared jumped in. 

“I’m the  _ real _ chick magnet of the group!” He said. “All the ladies want a piece of this! Too bad I’m as gay as the day is long.” He winked at Connor. Connor flipped him off. Larry blanched, but didn’t say anything. No one talked much for the rest of dinner. 

“Well, thank you so much for dinner Heidi,” Cynthia said. “It was… quaint.” Heidi raised her eyebrows. “Connor, Zoe! Let’s go!”

“I’m staying here,” Connor said. 

“Alana invited me to sleepover at her place,” Zoe said. 

“You two should go have a date night!” Jared added. Whatever fake-nice aura the room had was sucked out. The Murphy’s left without another word. 

“Jared,” Connor said, voice flat. “You’re the fucking best.” 

Jared smirked. “I do what I can, pretty boy.” 

~

“Evan,” Connor said that night, staring at the stars on the guest room ceiling. They were lying on Connor’s bed, since Heidi said they couldn’t sleep together in Evan’s room again. 

“Yeah Con?” Evan asked, voice laden with oncoming sleep. Connor’s heart swelled at the nickname. 

“I, fuck, I don’t want to go home. What if, what if I can’t do it? What if it’s like last time? I get home and snap and hurt Zoe and disappoint you and, fuck man. What if I can’t do it?”

“Hey,” Evan sat up to look Connor in the face. “You  _ can _ do it. I mean, I won’t lie, it won’t be easy without your, um, support system I guess, but I believe in you. You can call me. And you can talk to Zoe. You have to let her be there for you. You can’t just push her away, Connor. You’ve tried that and it, it hasn’t exactly worked.”

Connor laughed drily. “That’s an understatement.” 

Evan’s face hardened. “And you won’t dissapoint me. You could  _ never  _ disappoint me.” 

Connor raised his eyebrows. “Not even if I murdered someone?” 

Evan laughed. “You are such a nerd.” He said. Connor sat up, pulling Evan in for a slow, deep kiss. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a short chapter, but I still quite like it.
> 
> pls comment because the jellyfish species turritopsis dohmii is technically immortal
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I espouse the virtues of intersectional feminism and sending laura dreyfuss fruit snacks))


	20. A Little Bit Of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the murphy's arrive home, connor actually uses his phone, and we return to the foundations of this fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

The trip home was a tense affair. No one really spoke to each other throughout the drive to the airport, the plane, or the drive back home. When he got home, Connor immediately went upstairs to text Evan. 

 

From: Connor <3 <3

4:29 pm

home 

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

4:29 pm

Yay!

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

4:30 pm

Maybe you should talk to Zoe?

 

From: Connor <3 <3 

4:31 pm

why?? 

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

4:31 pm

Part of having a healthy relationship is having interactions that aren’t fighting with each other/apologizing. Just have a conversation. Just because. 

 

From: Connor <3 <3

4:33 pm

how r u a better sibling than me? u don’t have any brothers or sisters!

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

4:33 pm

Actually, my dad has two kids with his new wife. But I’ve never met them. 

 

From: Connor <3 <3

4:34 pm

oh 

 

From: Connor <3 <3

4:35 pm

srry ev

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

4:35 pm

It’s okay. Go talk to Zoe! 

 

From: Connor <3 <3

4:36 pm

  1. will tell you the resulsts. 



 

Connor couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in Zoe’s room. He had put her to bed a few months ago, but he hadn’t really had time to survey the place. He knocked tentatively. 

“Come in!” Zoe called. 

Connor took a deep breath and opened the door. The walls were the same lilac he remembered, but everything else was different. Zoe had flowy curtains streaming sunlight into her room. She had posters on the wall and polaroids of her and her friends. She had candles and notebooks on every surface, and stars doodled on her dresser, desk, and bed. She was sitting on a grey beanbag with her bass on her lap. 

“Hey… Zo,” He said. She raised her eyebrows, surprised he was in her room. 

“Hey, Connor,” She said. “What’s up?”

“I just, um, wanted to hang out?” Connor asked, even though it wasn’t a question. 

“O...kay…” Zoe said. Connor sat awkwardly on the edge of her bed. Zoe strummed a few chords on her bass to break the silence. 

“So, uh, Alana,” Connor said. 

“Yeah?” 

“How, um, how is she? How’s that whole thing… going?” 

Zoe cracked a smile, setting her bass aside and leaning forward. “It’s great, honestly. Like, she’s just so… nice? And kind, and funny and smart oh my  _ god _ , Connor she’s so smart. Like she just talks and talks and talks about the weirdest shit but it’s so adorable and interesting. She went on like an hour long tangent about exo-planets the other day and she’s always like ‘am I boring you’ but like she could literally never bore me because even if I don’t particularly care about whatever she’s talking about, she gets so excited that it makes me excited. Honestly I just like listening to her talk. And watching her talk. And being around her. And she’s such a good musician? Like I always knew she was but she’s literally an angel. Her voice is just… damn. And her music playing? Wow. And her face? Like… good job… God…” Zoe took a deep breath. Her face had a slight blush, and she was grinning like an idiot. “I really like her, Connor. And she’s so beautiful? Like, I’m dating a literal goddess. And this kissing is, um, well, it’s uh,” she fidgeted. “It’s not disappointing I’ll tell you that much.” She exhaled. “Sorry. I just, like, I can’t really talk to any of my friends about this stuff. They don’t know that I like, that I’m pan, ya know.”

Connor smiled. “I don’t mind! I mean, I asked you, you know. I’m glad that you guys are dating and stuff. I’m happy for you, Zo.” 

“Thanks, Connor.” Zoe shuffled her weight. “So, uh, you and Evan? What’s up with, what’s up with that?”

“I don’t… I don’t know?” Connor said. “I mean, I like him, and we’ve like, kissed. Um, also I’m gay. Uh, by the way. Not sure if I mentioned that.” Zoe giggled. 

“You hadn’t but, I kind of figured.”

Connor shrugged. “Yeah. So that’s like, I think or whatever. Evan and I haven’t really… talked about it? Like, if we’re dating or whatever. But like, I like him. And he’s really nice to me. And I’m happy that he’s, that we’re, that I know him, you know?” 

Zoe got up and sat by Connor, giving him an affectionate half-hug. “Yeah. I know.” She leaned into his shoulder, and they sat like that for a minute. 

Zoe sat up straight. “Hey! I saw that video of you tap dancing! You’ve still got it, bro.” 

Connor half smiled. “I guess.”

Zoe went on. “Seriously. You should get into tap again!” 

“Maybe,” Connor shrugged. 

Zoe chuckled. “It’s not like dad can get any madder at you.” 

“Yeah,” Connor sighed. 

“Have you, um, figured out what therapist you want to check out yet?” 

“I actually haven’t even looked yet. I mean, it’s only been like a half hour since we got home.”

Zoe smiled. “Lucky for you, my girlfriend is a fantastic human who loves recreational research and has sent a list of like, five different therapists to check out! Do, do you want to?” Zoe’s eyes were vulnerable. Connor couldn’t blame her. This was just like the bear picture. She had no idea what would set him off. Half the time he didn’t either. 

“Sure,” Connor said. Zoe sprang up and grabbed her laptop out of her suitcase.

She returned to the bed, opening up her computer. Connor noticed that her desktop picture was a fanart of Sincerely Me with everyone wearing flower crowns. She pulled up her email, clicking on a link from  [ a.lana.beck@gmail.com ](mailto:a.lana.beck@gmail.com) . 

“So this guy, Charles Walker, looks like he’s our best bet,” Zoe said, clicking on the first link. “He specializes in teenagers and young adults and like, mental health and trauma and stuff. And he’s LGBT friendly. He’s private practice, which means he’s been in the business long enough that he doesn’t need to be supervised. So like, no authority figures, which is a plus for you.” 

Connor shrugged. “Alright. Let’s give him a call.” 

“Are you sure?” Zoe asked. “You don’t sound very enthusiastic.”

Connor sighed. “Honestly, Zo, at this point I don’t really care anymore. I’ll try anything. I just, fuck, I’m so tired of just, this. Of all of it. Of living this way. I’m so fucking tired.” Zoe nodded. 

“Do you want to call him, or should I?” She asked quietly. 

“I can do it,” Connor said. Zoe nodded. She pulled up a “calming playlist” that was on Sincerely Me’s spotify page and played it softly. The two laid on Zoe’s bed, listening to the soft music and occasionally singing along until they fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That soft murphy siblings content amirite. sorry for not uploading yesterday, my life is a bit crazy right now >.<
> 
> pls comment because 3 people are killed each year in vending machine accidents
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns so you can see how much I blog about writing instead of actually writing. writer's block is a bitch you guys.)


	21. A Little Reinvention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor goes to therapy, things are addressed, and this chapter is kind of sad i'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, talks of self harm, talks of suicide, graphic depictions of self harm

Connor pulled up in front of a nondescript strip mall of Vietnamese restaurants and office buildings. There was a soft blanket of snow covering everything. Connor cursed himself for only bringing his hoodie. He pulled up the note he’d written in his phone. 

“ _ Charles walker - building L - suite 6 _ ” 

He found the building and stood in front of the door to the waiting room. 

“You can still back out now,” an assholish voice in his head said. 

“Fuck you,” Connor grumbled under his breath. “I’m doing this.” He pushed open the door, sinking into a plush couch in the empty waiting room. A machine made loud white noise next to the door Connor assumed was where you actually had the session. He pulled out his phone, absentmindedly scrolling through tumblr, sending Evan and Jared any posts he thought they would like. Alana didn’t use tumblr, but Jared was on it all of the time. He would send Connor dumbass memes and shitposts that Connor didn’t really understand but liked anyway. 

A tall kid with dark hair walked out Dr. Walker’s office holding a water bottle and clutching a tissue. 

“You must be Connor,” Dr. Walker said once the kid had left. 

“Uh, yeah,” Connor said. 

“Great.” Dr. Walker smiled genially. “Your parents didn’t come with you?” 

“Nope,” Connor popped the “p” on “nope.” “Is that a problem?”

“Of course not.” Walker handed Connor a pen and a clipboard. “This is a questionnaire that will help me get a sense of who you and what kind of stuff you want to talk about. You can come into my office and do it, or stay out here. Whichever works.” 

Connor nodded, taking the clipboard and surveying the questionnaire. It started off with questions about his age, his parents, if he had siblings, etc, then asked him to rate feelings on a scale of one being not at all and four being most of the time. 

 

_ I feel hopeless _ .  Connor circled the four.

 

_ I feel so guilty I can barely take it _ . Once again, four. 

 

_ When I wake up in the morning I feel there is nothing I have to look forward to. _

 

_ I feel worn out. _

 

_ I think about death. _

 

_ When I have a bad relationship with a friend or loved one, I believe it will end the relationship. _

 

_ I have a persistent feeling of emptiness. _

 

_ I feel bad about myself. _

 

_ I feel tired even after a long rest. _

 

_ I have recurrent thoughts about ending my life.  _

 

Four, four, four, four, Connor circled four on almost every question. The next page asked him about things he’d done “in the past two months” 

 

Have you:

 

 _Gotten drunk?_ _Never, Once or Twice, A Few Times, Once A Week, Nearly Everyday_. Connor checked Once or Twice. 

 

_ Smoked cigarettes? _ Nearly Everyday.

 

_ Gotten high? _ Once A Week.

 

_ Injected/snorted/smoked heroin, cocaine, or methamphetamine? _ Never.

 

_ Taken prescription pills that were not prescribed to you? _ A Few Times.

 

_ Had unprotected sex? _ Never.

 

_ Deliberately harmed yourself? _ Nearly Everyday. 

 

_ Attempted suicide? _ Once or Twice. 

 

There was only one more question. 

 

_ What do you want to get out of therapy? _

 

Connor stared at the page. He wasn’t sure what to say.  _ I want to be happy _ , he wrote. No, that wasn’t right. He scribbled it out.  _ I want to be nicer _ . Still not right.  _ I just want everything to be different _ . He walked into Dr. Walker’s office and handed him the clipboard and pen. The therapist flipped through the papers, occasionally marking things. 

“So, Connor,” He said. “Tell me your story.” 

“What do you mean? Like, oh it all started when I was in third grade…”

“Sure, if you want. Just, give me a rundown of the life of Connor Murphy.” 

“Um, okay, uh, I guess I was born here, and I’ve lived here all my life. Um when I was like a year and two months my little sister Zoe was born and uh we had a dog when we were young but then it died and um I started doing tap dance when I was like four and joined choir when I was six and then I quit choir when I was eleven and um I used to like do well in school but I’ve sort of given up I guess and then when I was fourteen I quit tap and I guess I started like smoking and stuff probably around then and then um, there’s now, I guess?” Connor felt uncomfortable talking about himself. 

“Are you and your sister close?” Dr. Walker asked. 

“Shit,” Connor said. “Um, I guess? I mean, not really. I mean, we were like best friends but then when we started school she had like all these friends and I didn’t so I sort of started ignoring her and then by the time I was like eleven or whatever we just, were always fighting, or ignoring each other. And like sometimes we’d have periods of like, being good, but then it always got fucked up. And uh, right now we’re, we’re good? She um, she helped me find this place. I’ve been like, really shitty to her. And I want to, not… be so shitty? Ya know? That’s like, that’s part of the reason I’m here.” 

“Well, that’s good. I’m very glad you’re here, Connor. Now, you marked on here that you ‘have uncontrollable fits of rage’ nearly all the time. Can you tell me about that?” 

Connor shuffled his weight. “Yeah, well, I guess, I mean, I just… get mad sometimes.” 

“Do you want to elaborate on that?” 

Connor felt the urge to snap at Dr. Walker. They didn’t even know each other! Who was he to ask Connor all these personal questions! “ _ He’s your therapist, dumbass _ ,” the rational voice in Connor’s head said. Against every instinct, Connor went on. 

“I mean, I just like, snap? About the stupidest shit! Like it just, sets me off. And it’s like, I  _ know _ it’s stupid and I  _ know _ I’m fucking everything up but it’s like, it’s like I’m not even in control, like I’m watching everything from the outside. Which is a bullshit excuse but, yeah.”

“Why is it a bullshit excuse?” Dr. Walker asked. 

“What?” Connor said. 

“Why is feeling like you aren’t in control a bullshit excuse?”

“Because like, I am in control. It’s just like me trying to, justify my behavior or whatever.” 

“Are you trying to justify your behavior?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well it seems to me that you  _ aren’t _ trying to justify your behavior. Can I ask you another question?” 

“Uh, I mean, sure.”

“You said you knew you were ‘fucking everything up.’ What do you mean by that?” 

“I dunno. I guess, I mean, well I mean like, I fuck everything up, you know. I just, I can’t do anything right and like no one really likes me and I just, I just, ruin every good thing I have.” 

“With Zoe, or just in general?” 

“Both I guess.” Connor shrugged. 

“Well, you can’t have completely ruined things with Zoe if you two are on good terms now.”

“I guess,” Connor mumbled. 

“Now you said that you felt sad, hopeless, and empty almost all of the time. Can you tell me the last time you felt more happy and content than sad and hopeless? I don’t mean the last time you were in a good mood for a few hours, I mean two or so weeks of mostly or sustained happiness.”

Connor thought about it. He could remember short twelve hour periods of happiness, but that was a reprieve from his usually empty misery. He couldn’t remember a time when he normal mode wasn’t hopeless.

“I uh, I don’t know. I um, I don’t think I can,” He said. “How fucked is that, right?” Connor chuckled awkwardly. 

Dr. Walker nodded. “Alright. Connor, I’m not a psychiatrist, or a medical doctor, so I can’t diagnose or prescribe anything to you, but I would strongly suggest you go to your doctor and talk to them about the possibility of clinical depression. I can write you up a referral if you’d like.”

“That would, uh, that would be great.” Dr. Walker started scribbling on a piece of stationery. “Um, do I need parents with me for that?” 

“You’re seventeen right?” 

“Yeah. I’ll be eighteen in April.”

“You should be good.” He handed Connor the paper. “Do you not want your parents to know?” 

“I don’t uh, have a great relationship with my parents.” Connor fidgeted with his shirt. It made him think of Evan. “ _ Not the time! _ ” The rational voice in his head said. “My dad doesn’t really, support, my um… existence, and my mom is just, difficult to deal with.” 

Dr. Walker  _ tsk _ ed. He wrote something down on a yellow legal pad. Connor had a feeling it would come up later. 

“Now, Connor, you wrote that you’ve self harmed nearly every day? Do you feel comfortable talking to me about that?” 

_ No _ . He took a deep breath. “ _ You can do this Connor _ ,” He thought. “ _ Do it for Evan. Do it for Zoe. Do it for yourself. You have to talk to someone about this _ .” 

“Uh, sure. We can… talk about it I guess.” 

“So, when did you start?” 

“I was probably like thirteen or something.”

“Do you remember why?” 

“These kids were making fun of me, the spread a rumor about how I would cut myself in the bathroom during lunch. So I just, was like, ‘fuck man, why not?’ ya know. But it wasn’t just that. I mean, Zoe and I had been in a fight, everyone liked her way more than me. My dad was being an asshole and we would get in fights all the time. I had gotten suspended from school for beating up some kids who were being assholes to me and I just, I just didn’t really know what else to do, I guess? Like, nothing else makes me feel okay inside so why not try this.” 

“And what happened? How did it feel?” 

“Um, it wasn’t like, ‘oh now I’m as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside’ or like ‘the sweet ecstasy of pain is the only thing that makes me feel alive’ but it was... nice? That’s not the right word. There was something about watching like, the blood and it was like, wow, this is a thing. Like it was something I could do. And it when my skin got too tight for my body it was sort of a release. Like, sometimes it can bring me down from a panic attack or whatever. It um, brings me back to my body. And it’s just… I want to do it? It’s a thing I do when I don’t know what else to do. I guess it’s a coping mechanism? I dunno. Sometimes I do it because I feel fucked up inside but sometimes I just… do it. I guess. That sounds stupid.” 

“No it doesn’t, Connor. It doesn’t sound stupid at all. It sounds like you’re hurting. It sounds like your life has been really hard for a long time. You don’t deserve all of the shit you’ve gotten.”

Connor didn’t remember when or why he’d started crying. “I uh, I don’t?” He asked.

Dr. Walker shook his head. “No,” He said. He passed Connor a box of tissues. 

“Thanks,” Connor mumbled, wiping his face with his hands and ripping up a few tissues. 

“And you said that you attempted suicide once or twice in the past few months? Can you tell me about that?” 

Connor coughed uncomfortably. “Um, to be honest I don’t really uh, remember it that well? It was in October and I was not in like, a good space, um, I mean, I’m never in a good space,” He chuckled drily. “But this was like, really bad. So I uh, I went out and got really stoned with some guys that I kind of knew. And I also was drinking like, a lot, and I took some pills and I didn’t know what they were and I knew that it was dumb but I didn’t really care. And I just remember they all kind of left me in like a park or something because they were going to a party but didn’t want me there. And I was really drunk. And really, like, just, sad I guess. And I remember thinking like, why not just… end it all. Right now. I’d tried two times before this and neither had uh, worked. I tried to hang myself when I was fifteen but I didn’t tie the noose right and so I just um, fell. And then that same summer I, uh, tried to O.D. on aspirin but Zoe found me and I had to go to the hospital and stuff. But anyway, I took a beer bottle and broke it so it was jagged and just kind of… plunged it into my wrists. And pulled down. And then I woke up in my bed. I don’t really um, remember? What happened? Or like, why I didn’t die? And I didn’t remember when I woke up it sort of came back to me I guess. Uh, I got scars from it, so I know it actually happened, but… yeah.” Connor exhaled loudly. 

“Do you regret not dying?” Dr. Walker asked him.

“Um, sometimes? I mean, sometimes I don’t but I guess, yeah.” 

“Are you suicidal right now, Connor?” Dr. Walker asked.

“Sort of.”

“What do you mean, sort of?”

“Like I guess I always want to die and think about dying and wish I was dead but I don’t think I’m actually, or at least I don’t have a plan to actually do it.” 

“Alright.” He handed Connor a business card. “This is my number. Please call me if that changes. I want you on this earth, Connor.” Connor nodded and took the card. Dr. Walker continued. “We’re almost out of time, but I’m going to give you some stuff to try next time you want to self harm, alright?” 

“‘Mkay,” Connor said. 

“So you could try holding ice in your hands until it melts, or holding it over the place you want to self harm, you could try drawing on your arm every time you want to self harm, a doodle or just a line, or a lot of people snap a rubber band, here,” He reached into his desk and pulled out a sheet of paper. “This has some alternatives on it. You can try these if you want, or you can try something else, and if nothing works we’ll just keep trying different techniques until you find something that does.” 

“Thank you,” Connor said, folding it up and putting it in his pocket with all the other papers. Connor was starting to regret not bringing a bag.

“Thank you, Connor. It’s very brave to get help. Our time is about up, do you want to schedule another appointment or…?”

“I want to schedule another appointment,” Connor said, voice certain. 

“Wonderful. When?”

“Um… same time next week?”

Dr. Walker checked his calendar. “That should work,” He said. He rose from his seat. “It was nice to meet you, Connor.”

“Nice to meet you, too, Dr. Walker,” Connor said. He got up and left the office, feeling weird and vulnerable, but also somewhat lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooooooooooooooooooo aren't y'all proud of connor for getting the help he needs? i'm proud of him. love my boy. 
> 
> pls comment because worms have five hearts
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I gripe about politics and how fucking annoying it is to type out natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812))


	22. Best Laid Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor is smart, the public school system is unrealistically efficient, and christmas plans are made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

Connor did not want to face the school counselor. He especially didn’t want to face the school counselor alone. But he knew he had to. Zoe was in class, Evan was in Illinois, and his parents had said they were done helping him with school because he “clearly didn’t care.” Which was bullshit. Of course Connor wanted to graduate! It was just that he had a hard time focusing in school and caring about school and going to school. Thankfully, when he’d gone to the doctor she’d prescribed him some medication and gave him a note explaining his depression. 

“Um, hi, I’m, uh, Connor Murphy. I’d like to uh, talk to my counselor?” Connor drummed his fingers awkwardly on the plastic countertop, uncomfortable under the scrutinizing gaze of the secretary. 

“Who is that?” She asked in a bored voice. 

“Uh, who is who?” Connor repeated. 

The secretary shot him a look from behind her glasses. “Who is your counselor?”

“I don’t um… I don’t know,” Connor said, shifting his weight.

The secretary sighed. “Last name?” 

“Murphy.”

“Bingham.”

“What?”

“Mrs. Bingham. That’s the name of your counselor.” 

Connor flushed. “Oh, uh, thanks. Where…”

“Down that hall, second door to your left.” 

“Thanks.” 

Connor knocked on the open door, not sure why he was so nervous. He never did well with authority figures, but he wasn’t  _ afraid _ of them. Then again, this was the first time he’d ever asked one for something. 

“ _ Vulnerability, Connor _ ,” a voice in his head said. “ _ You can do this.” _

“Come in,” Mrs. Bingham said looking up from her computer. “Oh, hello! I don’t believe we’ve met.” 

“Uh, I’m... Connor? Connor Murphy?” 

“ _ Connor Murphy _ ?” Mrs. Bingham’s jaw dropped a bit. Then she composed herself. “Uh, come in, Connor. Have a seat.” Connor awkwardly lowered himself onto the lime green love seat in her office. “So, what brings you here, Connor?”

“My um, my doctor told me to give you this.” He handed her the paper. She unfolded it and looked it over. Connor could see her lips moving along with the words. 

“Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, oh, Connor I’m so sorry.” She looked at him with pity. Connor tried to ignore it. 

“Yeah. Um, look, I know I haven’t been to school in a couple of weeks, uh, stuff at home has been pretty rough.” 

“I know, Zoe’s talked to me about it.”

“She has?” Connor raised his eyebrows. 

“Just… a little,” Mrs. Bingham’s voice was uneasy. Connor decided not to press the issue. He was glad Zoe was talking to someone. 

“Yeah, well, I still want to like… graduate… and stuff.” 

She nodded. “Let’s look at your grades.” She typed something into the computer, and pulled up a full report on Connor’s thirteen years in public education. “Let’s see… freshman and sophomore years are mostly B’s and C’s, so that’s good. Um, junior year, not so good. Still, an A in AP English, impressive. And let’s see your ACT scores… oh… no that can’t be right.”

“Is there something wrong?” 

She refreshed the computer screen. “This is saying you got a… well, a 35 on your ACT.” 

“Yeah.” 

Mrs. Bingham turned to him, eyes wide. 

“I uh… I test well,” Connor mumbled uncomfortably. 

Mrs. Bingham snorted. “That’s a bit of an understatement. Let’s see, right now your grades aren’t so good, but we can set you up a tutor, and I can talk to your teachers about your um… situation… and we’ll see what we can do to have them in a good place by the end of the semester!” 

“Cool.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about, Connor?”

“Yeah, actually, I was looking at the school’s website and it said you offered dance classes?”

~

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:23 pm

Babe, you’re doing so good. I’m so proud of you <3

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:24 pm

thanks. im kind of proud of me too. also, don’t think i didnt notice the nickname

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:24 pm

sweetheart

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:25 pm

Honey

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:25 pm

pumpkin

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:26 pm

Snuggle bear

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:26 pm

ok, ok, u win

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:27 pm

whatd u do today

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:27 pm

I finally finished words fail! Here I’ll send it to you!

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:27 pm

I mean.. If you want me to

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:28 pm

of course i want you to!!

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:38 pm

[wordsfail.mp4]

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:34 pm

holy shit… evan that was beautiful

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:35 pm

Thanks <3

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:35 pm

So what did you do today?

 

From: Connor <3 <3

went to the mall with zo to pick up xmas presents. it was good. got really pissed about a 96 on an english test but then i did some breathing shit and calmed down. it looks like i’ll end the semester with all passing grades. I mean, math and stuff can still eat my ass but english and history r both as

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:36 pm

Yayayayayay!! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:36 pm

yeah. what r ur plans for xmas?

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:37 pm

I’ll probably rehearse or watch shitty TV with Jared. Mom and I are gonna have a bomb ass Hanukkah, though.

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:37 pm

ur jewish?

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:38 pm

Yeah. We aren’t super religious tho. Jared’s family is.

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:39 pm

do u wanna maybe… fly out here for christmas then? we dont really do anything. my parents will sometimes take us skiing with the harrisses the days after but id much rather spend time with u

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:40 pm

For real?

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:40 pm

i mean only if u want to its not a big deal or anything just like if u want

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:41 pm

Of course I want to, Connor. Let me talk to my mom. 

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:42 pm

And you should also talk to your parents. I don’t want to just show up at your house unannounced.

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:42 pm

  1. but only for ur piece of mind not cause i care what they think



 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

10:42 pm

<3

 

From: Connor <3 <3

10:42 pm

<3

~

“Connor, absolutely not,” Larry sighed, glaring at Connor from over his computer. Things had been tense between them in the month since Connor started going to therapy, more tense than usual.

“Why the fuck not?” Connor asked. 

“Connor! Language!” Cynthia said.

“I think it’s a great idea! Evan’s a good dude,” Zoe said. Connor and Zoe had been doing really well. Connor still had outbursts, but he was better about not directing them at Zoe, and she in turn was the only Murphy who truly supported his recovery. “Also, if Evan comes for Christmas, ‘Lana can come for New Years!” 

“Why don’t we just become a halfway home then!” Larry said, closing his computer. 

“I think it’s a good idea, Larry. It’s so nice to see Connor has friends. And he’s been doing so well in school, that Evan boy is good for him.” 

Larry exhaled. “Sure, whatever. I clearly don’t have any say in what goes on in my house, even though I’m the only one that works to pay for it!” 

Zoe, Connor, and Cynthia all rolled their eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the last chapter did like super well and a bunch of new people are reading which just warms my heart! thank you so much for all the support. also, for anyone confused about the timeline of this chapter, about a month passes between Connor talking to the school counsellor (mid November) and Connor talking to Evan (mid-late December) 
> 
> school is currently killing me slowly but the comments y'all leave always brighten my day. also side note, we are rapidly approaching more comments than kudos because I respond to like 90% of the comments and that is just really funny to me. 
> 
> pls comment because killer whales are technically dolphins, not whales
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns where I complain about the patriarchy and gush about colton ryan and michael lee brown))


	23. Obvious Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor picks evan up from the airport, fluff is abound, and jared is the best always and forever amen
> 
> YO! IMPORTANT INFO IN THE END NOTES!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, talks of suicide, talks of addiction

 

The airport was loud, bright, and crowded. Connor fidgeted nervously, toying with the strings of his hoodie. Logically, he knew planes usually got arrived a little after their scheduled time, but anxiety was starting to takeover his mind. What if the plane had crashed? What if he was at the wrong airport? What if Evan realized that he hated Connor and didn’t come in the first place? Connor tried to calm himself down, tightening and untightening his muscles, clenching and unclenching his fists. He tried to drown out the noise, focus on his breathing instead of the whining of the two year old girl next to him. He was not going to be the asshole that went off on a little kid because of his own personal problems. Connor wished he had a Xanax. People always talked about getting nervous on planes, but airports were the real beasts. 

He heard someone shout his name. “Connor!” A boy in a dark hoodie and sunglasses ran up to him, dragging a sky blue suitcase behind him.

“Evan?” Connor said once the boy got closer. 

Evan grinned and slipped off his sunglasses. “I’m incognito,” He whispered, trying to keep the smile off his face for the sake of the joke. Connor beamed. He grabbed Evan’s hand, pulling him into a secluded alcove he’d previously scoped out, and kissing him hard. 

“I missed you so fucking much,” Connor breathed, his face inches away from Evan’s. Evan wrapped his arms around Connor’s neck, pulling him in and kissing him as well. 

“M-missed you too,” Evan said. “I can’t believe we’re th-that couple. Kissing in the airport,” He chuckled a bit. 

“Couple?” Connor repeated. “Is that… is that what we are?”

Evan’s face and neck went bright red. “I mean, um, if you, uh, if you want us to be, like if not that’s totally fine too -”

Connor cut him off with a quick kiss. “I do. Uh, I want us to, um, be a couple, I mean.” 

Evan nodded. “Cool.”

Connor nodded back. “Great.” 

“Awesome.”

“Nice.”

There was a beat of silence. 

“Now that that’s uh, settled, do you want to like, go get some food or anything?” Connor asked, suddenly all too aware of how close he was to Evan and how public the airport was. 

“S-sure,” Evan laced his fingers through Connor’s. “Boyf-boyfriend.” 

“Great,” Connor tried not to sound like he was freaking out. “Uh, boyfriend.” 

 

~

 

“So, I um… I got you something?” Evan said once they were in Connor’s car. “Like, for Christmas I guess? Um but I kind of w-want to give it to you in, uh, private, c-cause like… giving gifts in public makes me nervous and I just thought it might be more, I dunno, romantic um -”

“Evan,” Connor cut him off. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

Evan’s face went red. “I know. I just… wanted to I guess? Um, Jared and Alana got you stuff too. Alana was gonna give you her gift when she got here but I have Jared’s so like I’ll give that to you too and…” Connor squeezed Evan’s hand. “Wh-what’s wrong?” Evan asked. “You look… sad?”

“It’s nothing.” Connor said. “It’s dumb. I just, nobody’s ever really… gotten gifts for me? Like… outside of my family.” He chuckled humorlessly. “So, uh, thanks.” 

Evan’s face went redder. He reached into his carry on bag and pulled out a large, thin, wrapped package with a candy-striped stick on bow. He handed it to Connor. 

“Um, you mentioned that you liked Teen Suicide and my agent knows their agent and I kind of hounded her to get this and, uh, I hope you like it.” 

“Holy shit,” Connor breathed. He looked at the pink vinyl in his hands and brushed his fingers across the signatures of the band. “Evan this is… fuck. This is amazing.” He reached over, cupping Evan’s face in his hands, kissing him. “Thank you.”

“A-anytime,” Evan said. 

“I don’t uh, have your present here. But I have one!” Connor said. “Don’t worry.” Evan smiled. 

“I’m not worried,” He whispered, running his thumb across Connor’s face. 

They sat like that a moment before Evan started abruptly. He reached into his bag and pulled out a box and an envelope. “This is, uh, from J-Jared. So I’m just gonna, uh, a-apologize in advance f-for whatever it is.” 

Connor opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside. A condom with a winky face sharpied on the wrapper fell out into Connor’s lap. 

“Fucking hell, Jared,” Evan whispered, covering his face with his hands. 

“I’m surprised he only sent one. He’s gotta give us more credit than that,” Connor remarked. Evan snorted. 

Connor turned to the letter, written in Jared’s messy scrawl. 

 

_ Dear Connor Murphy, _

_ So I’m gonna tell you a story. I don’t know if Evan has told you this story, _

_ but if so, I can promise his version was more eloquent than mine will be _

_ (this is the part where you’re all like, no Jared, you’re the best and just as good _

_ of a writer as Evan!) Anyway. When Ev, Lana, and I were in the IOP, we had to _

_ write these dumb fucking letters to ourselves. Like bullshit affirmations of why _

_ it was going to be a good day and shit. Anyway. We signed them Sincerely Me,  _

_ and that’s where the band name comes from, you know. But like, I hated them _

_ I knew they were dumb, and I was fine. I wasn’t fine. I thought I was. I didn’t think _

_ I needed to get better. I was fucked up. I deserved all the shit I got, and now these _

_ fuckheads were trying to take away the one thing that made me feel… okay. Fuck _

_ that! Except, as I kept doing them, the glorified diary helped. I don’t know why you  _

_ smoke. I don’t need to know. Whatever it is, it’s not worth it dude. You can’t fill the hole _

_ in you with smoke and ash. You have to fill it with love or some other bullshit like  _

_ that. I haven’t told Evan. I don’t know if he knows, but that’s not my place. I know that _

_ fucking my best friend doesn’t make us friends, but I wouldn’t mind if we were friends.  _

_ You’ve got other contacts in that cell phone for a reason. Today is gonna be a good _

_ day dude. And here’s why. Because today, you don’t have to go it alone.  _

_ Sincerely, Me _

_ (Jared) _

_ PS: Use protection ;) _

 

Connor opened the box. There was a journal that looked like it was from Forever 21, with a glittery purple cover and the words “ _ JUST DANCE _ ” in looped white script. Underneath the journal was a ballpoint pen and a pack of nicotine gum. 

 

From: Hot Topic’s Wet Dream

5:13 pm

thanks 

 

From: The Coolest Person You Will Ever Meet

5:15 pm

I have no idea what you’re talking about murphy i am an asshole (™) who only gives asshole gifts (™) 

 

From: The Coolest Person You Will Ever Meet

5:15 pm

You’re welcome tho.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****IMPORTANT*****
> 
> Okee so I'm going to be at an intensive acting workshop for the next two and won't be able to update. I have a day off on Sunday so I'll post then, and then will be gone for another week. Regular updates will resume July 30th and I should be able to update every other day or so for the rest of the fic. I really hope that you'll stick with me through this small hiatus, and know that if it was physically possible I would update every day. Love you all loads. 
> 
> pls comment because an ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns to see if i'll be able to go a week without internet or if i'll resort to hiding in the bathroom to get the latest memes.)))


	24. Take Deep Breaths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which great comet is referenced, people bond, and connor is trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

“Evan!” Zoe screeched as Connor and Evan entered the house.

“Zoe!” Evan replied, a little less enthusiastic, a little more nervous. Zoe and Evan hugged while Connor dragged Evan’s luggage in. 

“Hello, Evan,” Cynthia said when Zoe and Evan had finished saying hello.

“H-Hi, Mrs. M-Murphy,” Evan said. 

“Please, call me Cynthia.” She smiled, her eyes flitting between worry and hope. 

Evan nodded, avoiding eye contact. 

“We’re so glad to have you here,” Cynthia said. 

“Thank you,” Evan said, his voice nervous and raspy. 

“Well, Evan and I are going upstairs now!” Connor said loudly, lightly guiding Evan’s elbow as he piled suitcases and guitar cases in his arms. 

~

“Hey, Zo,” Connor asked, knocking lightly on her door. 

“Yeah?” She looked up from her book.

“Can Evan and I borrow some of your like, lotion and shit? Ya know like your peely masks and nail polish and stuff?”

“Oh my god,” Zoe sat up. “Are you guys doing a spa day?” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Jesus, no, we’re just… I just… don’t call it that.” 

Zoe laughed, getting up and walking into the bathroom, opening up her cabinet and pulling out various baskets and cases and bottles. She piled them into Connor’s arms.

“Thanks,” He said, walking back to his room. Zoe followed. “What the hell are you doing?” Connor asked. 

Zoe laughed. “Um, I’m totally getting in on this! You can’t take all my beauty products and then not invite me to partake in your totally-not-a-spa-day!” 

Connor rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything as they entered his room. 

Evan was fiddling around with a speaker system he’d brought along. He pressed a button, and accordion music filled the room. 

“What the hell is this?” Connor asked.

Evan smiled. “Natasha, Pierre, and The Great Comet Of 1812. It’s a musical based off like… eighty pages of War and Peace. Won like… a bunch of Tonys.” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Broadway is weird.” He pulled out various nail polish colors. “So I’m thinking… sky blue?” Evan nodded enthusiastically. Connor continued. “And I’ll go black,” he grabbed his bottle of black nail polish off his dresser. “How about you, Zo?”

Zoe reached in and pulled out a bottle of yellow, pink, and blue. “I will be painting my nails like the pansexual flag,” she announced with a flourish. They set an old towel on the floor, clearing away the debris from the messy floor of Connor’s room. 

“I’ve never d-done this before,” Evan mumbled, as Connor delicately coated his nails. Connor squeezed his hand and gave him a small smile. 

“I’m sure they’ll look beautiful,” He said quietly. 

After their nails dried, Evan started pulling out facemasks. “Lana and I do these all the time,” He said. Zoe did her’s, and Evan helped Connor apply his. They lay on Connor’s floor listening as the charming Anatole seduced Natasha through talks of scandalous bare arms. 

Somewhere in the bowels of the house, a door slammed. Connor ignored it. It was probably just Larry getting home. He heard someone coming up the stairs. It would be fine. It was probably Cynthia asking about dinner. He didn’t have to stress. His parents existing would not ruin his day. 

Larry opened his door. “Hey, Connor, is you friend here - what the hell are you doing?” 

Connor stomach dropped. 

“Oh! Hey dad!” Zoe said. “We’re just doing, uh, face masks.” 

Larry frowned. “Really? Connor, this isn’t going to help… anything. I just,” he sighed. “Sometimes I wonder if you do these things just to push my buttons.”

“God!” Connor snapped. “Not every fucking thing is about you!” Zoe sucked in a breath. Connor felt Evan tense next to him. They were all expecting him to freak out. Of fucking course they were! Everyone was afraid of him. He was a bomb. He was a monster. He was a black hole. The room felt too tight. He felt itchy. He needed to… he wanted to… he took a deep breath. 

This was the kind of self destructive thinking that lead him to bad spaces. He thought about the “coping mechanisms” Doctor Walker had given him.

Connor calmly stood up. He walked out of the room, past his father, down the stairs and into the kitchen. He pulled open the freezer and grabbed a piece of ice, semi aware that Evan, Zoe, and Larry had followed him in various stages of anger and worry. Connor pressed the ice to his wrist, holding it there until it melted. 

He turned to Larry, and said with practiced calmness. “While I understand why you might be initially distressed by me doing something not traditionally masculine, I would invite you to see that I am not hurting anyone, and am, in fact, bonding with my sister and having a good time.” He took a deep breath and wiped his wrist on his shirt, then sharply turned and walked back upstairs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK BABY!!!! also this chapter is short, soz. turns out i won't be gone next week so expect updates and such. also i've written a little galaxy gals oneshot that fits into this story and you can check that out by clicking the "next work in this series" link thing
> 
> pls comment because there are 1.5 billion cows on the earth
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns i engage in discourse and newsies references))


	25. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which zoe is thoughtful, connor is soft, and evan is a good music boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

Connor had a complicated relationship with Christmas. When he was younger, it was one of the best days of the year. It was never his favorite holiday, but it was Zoe’s, and that made it important. She used to sneak into his room at five a.m. and pounce on him screaming about all the presents. They would always swap candies in their stockings, bartering for the best pieces. “I’ll give you two reece’s cups for your blue jolly rancher.”

As he got older, Christmas became another dreaded day that he would ruin. He couldn’t bring himself to be excited about it, he never liked his gifts, and the gifts he did like didn’t make him as happy as they should’ve. Zoe would ignore him, another painful reminder of the chasm that had opened between them.

Eventually, Connor just skipped out, sleeping until noon and leaving through the window. No one bothered to get him any presents. They didn’t force him downstairs. They could have their happy family for a day, pretending they didn’t have a son.

This year would be different, though. This year, Connor had Evan. Connor had Zoe. Connor had Prozac. He could do this.

Connor woke to the soft shock of someone sitting on his bed.

“Hey big brother,” Zoe said gently, shaking him awake. “Merry Christmas.”

Connor smiled. “Merry Christmas, Zo,” He said, his voice hoarse from sleep. He sat up. “What time is it?” He wiped the sleep from his eyes.

“Five.”

“Jesus Christ, Zoe,” He chuckled. Zoe shrugged.

“I’ve never been able to sleep in on Christmas.” She paused, tracing patterns in his bedspread with her finger. “No one will be up for a few hours, and I kind of wanted to give you your present, um, in private.”

“Uh… okay…” Connor said. Zoe smiled and bent down, picking up a brightly colored present from his floor. She placed it on his bed.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d gotten a pair that fit yet,” She said. Connor unwrapped the present, revealing a shoebox, containing a glistening pair of black tap shoes. He pushed away the tissue paper, pulling the shoes out to look at them.

“Oh my god… Zo…” He said. “These are, fuck, I, thank you.” He started. “Hold on!” Connor got out of bed, pulling open his messy closet, bulging with wrinkled clothes. He grabbed a brown bag off the top shelf.

“I, um, I didn’t wrap it,” He mumbled, handing the package to Zoe.

She opened it, pulling out an art set, equipped with water colors, copic markers, colored pencils, charcoal, and thick, pulpy artist’s paper.

“I noticed you’re always doodling on everything and thought maybe you’d want some nicer art shit. I, um, I bought it with cash I was gonna spend on cigarettes and stuff. I’m… really trying to be better, Zo.” Zoe stood up, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. She pulled Connor into a tight hug that reminded him of when she would come into his room because of a nightmare and would hold onto him like he was the only thing in the universe she could count on.

“I missed you so much,” She said into his shoulder.

“I love you, little sister.”

~

“Happy celebration of capitalist greed,” Connor said from the doorway of the guest bedroom. Evan was sitting up in bed on his phone. He smiled at Connor, his face sleepy and his hair mussed.

“Good morning to you, too, Connor,” He said. Connor walked in and sat at the foot of Evan’s bed.

“So this is kind of stupid,” Connor said. “But I remember you saying you’d never read the Harry Potter books -”

“I was a Percy Jackson kid!” Evan said defensively.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Anyway,” He grabbed a large box out of the messenger bag he’d come in with. “Um, I thought I would get you the books for Christmas. And then I thought that was stupid and impersonal, so um, these are my copies. Like, the first copies I read. I have another set, but these are the ones I read and annotated and stuff in like third grade. So it’s like sentimental and shit? Ya know, it dumb -”

“Connor,” Evan had taken the lid of the box and was examining the beat up books. “I love them.” He pulled Connor in for a soft kiss, smiling into his lips.

“Merry Christmas, dummy.”

“Merry Christmas, tree boy.”

Evan broke the embrace. “Alana says I have to post a Christmas post on all my social medias,” He said, his voice telling that he would rather go one on one with Dwayne the Rock Johnson than do that.

“Why do you hate posting stuff and interacting with your fanbase so much?” Connor asked.

Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “It’s just so… agh!” He said, his voice strangled. “All these people expect something from me. I mean, they listen to my music and they hear the deepest feelings that I have and then they want me to be deep and heartfelt all the time, and there’s so many of them! So many people who want something from me, or want me to be something, so many people who have this idea of who I am and the idea they have is a lot better than who I really am. They want me to be smart and witty and say the right thing that they can put in their fanfictions or whatever and I just… that’s not who I am. I don’t want to disappoint them. I’m scared that they won’t like the real me. Also, I did a bunch of Hanukkah posts two weeks ago! Why do I have to post stuff for Christmas? I’m Jewish!” He looked at Connor with baffled and distressed eyes.

Connor laughed and ran his hand through Evan’s hair. “I like the real you,” He said. “Here, give me your phone.” Evan handed Connor his phone.

Evan didn’t have a passcode, which Connor thought was stupid, but didn’t bring up. He opened Evan’s twitter and read aloud as he typed.

“‘Happy random Monday! #imjewish’ Posted.”

Evan laughed. “Oh my god, Connor!” He said. “What if someone thinks I’m being insensitive to their religion?”

“Uh… who gives a fuck? Also, no one is going to get offended by that. Now for Snapchat.” He opened the Snapchat app. “When I point at you, sing a Christmas carol. Walking in a Wonderland or whatever the fuck.”

“Walking in a Wonderland or whatever the fuck is my favorite carol,” Evan said.

“Oh my god Hansen, I’m trying to help you here!” Connor pointed and they recorded the short video. “Now for the Christmas morning Instagram selfie.”

“You know, for someone who never posts on social media, you sure are good at it.”

“Have you met my sister? She made me make an Instagram just so she could tag me in shit.”

Evan laughed. Connor passed him the phone.

“Um…” Evan said. “Should we, like, should you be, uh, I mean…”

“I think that people have finally forgotten the pretty boy incident,” Connor said. “I dunno if we want to like… start that again.”

“I mean, Alana and Zoe tag each other in shit all the time, and like post pictures of them face timing and stuff… and no one like c-cares?”

“Yeah I mean, no one except the tumblr lesbians have seemed to pick up on it.”

“I-I think _People_ put one of Lana’s tweets about Zoe in their friendship goals section.” They chuckled weakly.

There was a beat of silence.

“I mean, it’s up to you.” Connor said.

“It’ll be fine,” Evan said. “C-come here before I psych myself out.”

Connor paused. “Maybe we should get out of bed?”

“G-good idea,” Evan said. They stood up and stood awkwardly in the guest room. “B-by the window?” Evan asked.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this,” Connor said.

“Oh thank god,” Evan gasped, visibly relaxing. “It’s n-not like it’s anyone’s b-business anyway.”

“You know what,” Connor said, taking Evan’s phone and tossing it on the bed. “Fuck Instagram. Let’s go deal with my shitty family.”

Evan smiled and squeezed Connor’s hand.

~

Christmas was not as bad as it could’ve been. Connor’s dad gave him the new Assassin's Creed game, and while he hadn’t played video games in awhile, at least that was somewhat relevant to his interests. His mother got him the special editions of _The Little Prince, Wicked,_ and _The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy_. They gave Zoe some expensive headphones and a huge cruelty free makeup kit, and even gave Evan some gift cards. Zoe had gotten Larry a subscription to the Wall Street Journal (a yearly tradition), and let Connor put his name on it. He’d gotten his mom a vegan cookbook.

After exchanged presents and Cynthia served an extensive brunch, Zoe went out to ice-skate with her friends and Larry and Cynthia had a Christmas party at Larry’s law firm. Connor and Evan were alone.

“You know what would be really stupid,” Connor asked Evan as they finished putting away the brunch dishes. “If we started having like really public sex in the living room right now. Because some twisted god would have my mother come home right then to out us to the world.”

“Why would a twisted god do that?” Evan asked, perching himself on the countertop in front of Connor. “I think that if there is a god, they’re either benevolent or indifferent.”

“How can you say _if_ there is a god? You’re all… religious and shit.”

Evan shrugged. “We’re encouraged to ask questions and figure things out for ourselves. And, that’s not an answer.”

“I think that if there was some sort of cosmic creator, they’d start to get bored after so long. Maybe our angst entertains them.”

“Or, maybe they think that our love is adorable and celebrates our triumphs with us.” Evan pecked Connor on the cheek.

“Still don’t think we should test it with living room sex,” Connor said.

“I’m trying to have a theological discussion. You’re the one who keeps bringing up living room sex.” They both laughed. Evan continued. “I do have something to show you.”

Connor raised his eyebrows. Evan affectionately swiped at his arm.

“Nothing like that, get your mind out of the gutter! It-it’s sort of like a… Ch-christmas present part two?”

“Evan you, don’t have to do that for me -”

Evan cut him off with a look. He got off the counter and walked towards the stairs. He led Connor upstairs to the guest room, and pulled his guitar out of it’s case along with some sheet music.

“Okay, so, it’s still rough. Don’t judge.” He started to pluck some chords.

“ _Have I told you,_

_There’s nothing like your smile?_

_Sort of subtle, and perfect, and real_

_I don’t think you know,_

_How wonderful that smile could make someone feel._ ”

Evan glanced at Connor, who was sure he looked like a lovestruck idiot, but didn’t really care. What had he done to deserve this beautiful boy writing songs about him? Somehow, in a life full of getting things wrong, Connor had found Evan, who was so, so right.

“ _If I could tell him_

_Tell him everything I see_

_If I could tell him_

_How he’s everything to me_

_But we’re a million worlds apart_

_And I don’t even know how to start_

_If I could tell him_

_But what do you do when there’s this great divide_

_And what do you do when the distance is so wide_

_How do you say_

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you”_

Evan held out the last note, before strumming a final chords. Connor stared at him, the realization of what Evan had just said sinking in.

Evan started talking, fast and worried, the easy confidence his music afforded him gone. “I know it’s only been like two months and I understand if you think I’m weird and clingy or if you don’t feel the same way, and if you want to break up with me I won’t like freak out or start breaking things-”

“I love you, too.” He said it quickly and without thinking, but didn’t regret the words.

“Oh. O-okay. G-great. Um. Thank you,” Evan’s voice cracked awkwardly.

“You’re welcome,” Connor’s voice was just as uncomfortable. But it was an easy kind of awkward and uncomfortable wherein somehow both boys felt at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: If I Could Tell Him
> 
> this chapter is long af so hopefully that makes up for the last one! i really like this chapter it's fluffy and adorable and we actually get back to the fact the Evan is in a band lolololol. 
> 
> pls comment because martin van buren (founder of the democratic party and one of the presidents) was named the little magician
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns where I'm contractually obligated to remind everyone of how gay i am every seven minutes))


	26. C10H12N20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which alana re-enters, connor is distressed, and acquaintances bond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, talks of suicide, talks of substance abuse, talks of self harm

Connor was not doing well. He wasn’t sure why. He’d had a fine day, he’d gone with Evan, Zoe, and Alana (who’d flown in the day before) to see some brightly colored superhero movie, and then they’d hung out at the library. Nothing remotely unpleasant had happened, and yet, here he was, laying in bed at four in the morning, freaking the fuck out. 

Connor shuffled in his bed, scratching at his skin, wrestling with his sheets, trying to get into a position that didn’t feel like the world was stifling him. 

He cursed, pushing off all the blankets. He needed to get out, needed some fresh air. He needed a cigarette. Or some weed. Something to calm his nerves. Connor stared at his desk. His therapist had told him to get rid of his pocket knife, or to give it to someone else, so that he wouldn’t be tempted. He hadn’t. He’d been clean for a few weeks (18 days precisely), using ice, or pens, or talking to Zoe or Evan, and hadn’t felt the need to get rid of the knife.

“That’s a lie, and you know it,” The asshole voice in his head chided. Connor hadn’t gotten rid of the knife because he didn’t want to. He wasn’t ready. What if he really needed it at some point. He peeled off the hoodie he’d been sleeping in and stared at his arms. The angry marks had reduced to rough, pale skin. He didn’t want to break. He’d been doing so well. Connor didn’t understand. He’d been doing everything right. He’d been taking the Prozac, he’d been talking to people, he’d even written in that stupid journal Jared gave him. Why wasn’t he getting better? 

Connor turned his head sharply, forcing himself to stop staring at his desk, and instead, grabbed the pack of nicotine gum off his desk, forcing a piece into his mouth. 

He didn’t really like the nicotine gum, chewing on something wasn’t the same as the gentle release of the smoke, but he was determined to stop smoking. He knew it was an ugly habit, that it would fuck up his lungs, and make it harder to dance. When he’d started smoking, he didn’t care, because he didn’t think he’d live long enough to see any side effects, but now he was thinking about his future. It was a weird, abstract, vaguely purple fantasy, but he was thinking about it all the same. 

Connor spit out the gum, throwing it into the trash can. He couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle anything. He carefully slid open the window, climbing down a tree next to his room and onto the back porch. Surprisingly, he wasn’t the only person on the porch. 

“Alana?” He asked the curled up figure in the snow. She sniffed loudly, raising her head. Connor could see her eyes were red and puffy. 

“Oh. H-hey, Connor,” she said. 

“What’s wrong?” Connor plopped down next to her, letting the sharp coldness of the snow and the frigid air pull him down to earth. 

“I dunno,” she exhaled. “I’m just, missing my grandma I guess.” 

“Oh. Um, what happened?” Connor wasn’t really in the mood to deal with someone else’s feelings, but Alana clearly needed support.

“She died. A few years ago. Broke her hip getting into the bathtub.” She laughed bitterly. “I mean, I’m over it for the most part, well not  _ over _ it but, I’m… I’m fine. It’s just… it’s just me and my dad now. And he’s great, I just, fuck, sometimes I’m not doing well and I just think… maybe if she was here… maybe things would be better. Which I know is stupid but… here we are!” She threw her arms in the air. 

“What happened to your mom?” Connor asked. “Uh, you don’t have to answer if you aren’t comfortable. I know that’s not like… polite.”

She smiled slightly. “It’s alright. We’re close acquaintances. She uh… she died. When I was a baby. Post partum bleeding or some bullshit like that.”

“Oh.”

They were silent for a minute. 

“ _ I want some adderall _ !” Alana yelled out, tugging on her hair. Connor started. 

“What the fuck?” 

Alana chuckled. “My therapist says that voicing my urges are better than bottling them down. Instead of trying to ignore them, I acknowledge them and then make a conscious decision to not act on them.” She paused. “Err, at least, most of the time I don’t act on them. Not for one year, two months, and sixteen days.”

“ _ You _ pop pills?” Connor asked incredulously. 

“I  _ popped _ pills,” she corrected. “But yeah. Anxiety is a helluva thing. I used to get so worried about deadlines and schoolwork and not being perfect at everything that I wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep, just work and focus and worry and stress. It was… not great. And I couldn’t talk about it. I knew it was bad for me, so I just bottled everything up and was too ashamed to ask for help.”

“So now you shout about it?”

“Don’t know it til you try it, Connor.” 

Connor cocked an eyebrow. “ _ I want a cigarette! _ ” 

“ _ I miss my mom! _ ” 

“ _ I feel like a fuckup! _ ”

“ _ I still hate my body! _ ” 

“ _ I’m gay! _ ”

“ _ I want to have sex with Zoe Murphy! _ ”

“ _ I want my friends to stop talking about banging my sister! _ ” 

Alana and Connor laughed. 

“We’re friends?” Alana asked. 

Connor’s mouth quirked into a slight smiled. “Yeah, Beck. We’re friends.” 

There was a beat of silence. 

“So, how are you feeling now?” Connor asked.

“Um… still kinda like shit?” Alana replied with a shaky laughed.

“Same,” Connor said. “You wanna feel like shit together?”

She rested her head on his shoulder. “Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a short chapter today. if you guys would be interested in reading a galaxy gals oneshot about zoe and alana meeting at the airport and zoe picking her up and them exchanging x-mas presents, hmu because i might want to write it. in other news, writers block is a bitch but i have the next chapter written for y'all so don't worry. 
> 
> pls comment because baby kangaroos are 2 cm long at birth
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and witness my slow descent into procrastination madness. then maybe leave a slightly aggressive ask in my askbox and tell me to do whatever i'm supposed to be doing because i haven't really done any work in like three days and am kind of drowning y'all.))


	27. Walk Awhile And Talk About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which evan is cold, connor is aspirational, and it's the obligatory for forever chapter!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

“Where is everyone?” Evan asked, plodding down the stairs at ten in the morning on December thirtieth.

Connor pulled his crossed feet of the table and met Evan with a cup of tea and a kiss. “Alana, Zoe, and Cynthia are having a girls day at one of Cynthia’s spa retreats upstate and Larry is working all day. We have the house to ourselves. How fucking domestic, right?”

Evan accepted the tea. “Domestic A-F,” He said.

Connor laughed. “You are such a fucking nerd sometimes, Hansen.” They sat down at the table. “So I was thinking,” Connor said. “Since we have the day to ourselves, I could show you all my favorite places in town. Well, like, there’s only two or three places, but they’re still good.”

“Connor Murphy,” Evan said. “Are you asking me out on a d-date?”

Connor smiled. “Maybe,” He said. “Are accepting my offer?”

“Of course.” Evan reached over and squeezed his hand.

 

~

 

“I-I-I-I c-c-can’t bel-l-l-lieve you don’t h-h-h-h-have h-h-h-heating,” Evan’s teeth chattered in Connor’s car. Connor reached into the backseat and grabbed an old blanket, tossing it at Evan.

“And I can’t believe you’re such a baby about the cold. You’re from fucking Illinois!” Connor said.

“Wh-wh-what can I s-s-s-s-say. I’m a s-s-s-s-sunshine bean. J-j-j-just ask t-t-t-tumblr.” Connor smiled. He leaned over and kissed Evan on the cheek. “E-e-e-eyes on the r-r-r-road!” Evan yelped. Connor laughed, but obliged.

“Here we are,” He said, turning onto the gravel road that lead to the orchard.

“Where’s here?” Evan asked, looking around. Connor got out of the car, opening the door for Evan and his blanket.

“Me and Zoe and my parents used to come to this orchard all the time. It closed a few years ago, but it’s still ridiculously easy to get into. I thought with you and your tree thing you might… I dunno, you know, it’s dumb, and it’s cold, we can go somewhere else-”

“Hey.” Evan squeezed Connor’s hand. “It’s great. Did you know that all of the branches of a tree put together will equal the thickness of the trunk?”

Connor grabbed the edges of the blanket, pulling it around the two of them and kissing Evan deeply. “You are _such_ a nerd. I love it.”

 

~

 

“So what do you want to be when you grow up?” Evan asked as they strolled hand-in-hand down an old path lined with hibernating apple trees.

“I dunno,” Connor shrugged. “I love dancing. I’ve kind of been looking into conservatories for dance… but that’s just a dumb pipe dream. I’ve always wanted to be a librarian. Or maybe a trophy husband.” Evan laughed. Connor continued. “And I’m guess you’ll be Evan the rockstar forever?”

“God no!” Evan said. “I love music… and I love writing… but I don’t really like performing or dealing with all the fan stuff… besides, Alana wants to go into like politics or law or something, and Jared wants to do something in psychology… so _Sincerely Me_ won’t be around forever. I don’t have the guts to be a solo act.”

“Then what do you want to do?”

“I think th-that I want to be, um, that I want to compose? Like write the music for Broadway shows and stuff? Like Jason Robert Brown or Lin Manuel Miranda or Steven Schwartz?”

“I only know who one of those people are, but I support you. I think whatever you do will be fucking amazing, Ev.” Connor squeezed Evan’s hand.

“Thanks.” Evan squeezed back. “And I think you’d be a wonderful dancer. I’d come to all of your shows.”

 

~

 

“Top five things you want to do before you die,” Connor said. They had laid the blanket out on the ground and were staring as rebellious rays of sunlight poked through the winter clouds.

“Sh-shit. That’s hard. Um, okay. Uh… buy my mom a house, learn how to sail, go to the rainforest, see the california redwoods, and um… like… get married? And have a kid and a house and all the cute domestic stuff? I want to be a good dad, just to… prove th-that I can be?” Connor nodded, taking in that information. “Wh-what about you?” Evan asked.

“Hmmmm… I want to bike across the appalachian trail with Zoe. She and I got super obsessed with it when we were like eight and promised each other we’d do it together. I want to write a book. I want to graduate high school, just because my dad doesn’t think I can. Speaking of my dad, I want to have a big gay wedding and invite him to it. And I… I want to stick around and see what Zoe does. And what you do. And Jared and Alana. I just… I want to live before I die I guess. I didn’t want to do that for a while.”

Evan kissed him softly. “I love you,” He said.

“I love you, too.”

 

~

 

“Trees absorb a average of two thousand liters of water.”

“Really?”

“99% of material in trees is dead. Only 1% of the tree is actually living at any give time.”

“Same.”

“A tree can absorb as much as forty pounds of carbon dioxide each year.”

“Damn.”

“Trees can communicate with each other to warn each other about insect raids.”

“Smart mother fuckers.”

“Am I boring you?”

“Not at all. Babe.”

“Okay. Good. Lover.”

“Stud Muffin.”

“Boyfriend.”

“I actually like that one.”

“Me too.”

 

~

 

“Where to next?” Evan asked once they’d returned to Connor’s car. The now soggy blanket had been shoved in the backseat, no longer providing any warmth.

“A la Mode Ice Cream,” Connor said, pulling out of the orchard. “They serve the best hot chocolate in the winter.”

“Hot chocolate sounds good,” Evan said, shuddering off the cold, his face ruddy from being outside.

They walked into the small, sparsely populated, pink and white parlor. There was only a middle aged man and a geriatric couple.  Connor strolled up to the teenage girl at the counter. “Can I get two specialty hot chocolates, one with mint and one with cinnamon? Also a package of gingerbread cookies, please.”

“Of course,” she said, inputing the order. “That’ll be $7.15.” Connor handed her a ten dollar bill. “Have I seen your friend before?” She asked while counting out the change. Connor glanced at Evan, who was blushing and stammering as the older couple tried to make conversation with him.

“No,” Connor said with false confidence. “I don’t see how you would’ve.”

She shrugged and handed him his change, going off to make their drinks and get their cookies. Connor got the food and led Evan to a booth in the corner out of the line of sight of the counter.

“Mint or cinnamon?” He asked Evan.

“Mint,” Evan said.

“Good choice.”

“Oh, do you like the mint the best?”

“Nope.” Connor took a sip of his hot chocolate, creating a mustache from the fluffy whipped cream.

Evan giggled and reached over, wiping the cream off Connor’s face, then licking it off his own finger.

“Jesus, Evan,” Connor said in a low, strained voice.

“What?” Evan asked. Realization dawned on his face. “Oh. Oh my _god_! Get your head out of the gutter, Connor!” Connor cocked an eyebrow suggestively. Evan giggled and threw a piece of a cookie at him.

 

~

 

“Home?” Evan asked once they got back in Connor’s car. “Well, your home. Not mine. Obviously. We couldn’t just drive to Illinois. Not that want to. I’m not… sure why I’m talking right now.”

Both boys laughed. Connor checked the time on his phone. It was late. They should probably get home.

“Or…” Connor said.

Evan cocked an eyebrow. “Or?” He repeated.

“I could tell my mom that the roads were too bad that it was unsafe, and we could get a motel? Spend a little more time letting the rest of the world fade away?”

A smile spread across Evan’s face. “Why not?” He said. Connor grinned, and started to drive.

 

~

 

Connor woke up on New Year’s Eve to Evan curled up next to him. He wondered if he just slept for ridiculously short periods of time, or if Evan just slept for ridiculously long periods of time, because it always seemed that Evan was the first to fall asleep and the last to wake up.

He poked Evan’s nose slightly, marvelling at how beautiful he was. Evan Evan Evan. Wonderful, kind, lovely Evan. Evan who made him feel less like a black hole and more like a supernova.

Evan’s eyes fluttered slightly. He yawned, then stirred, opening his eyes slightly.

“Hey,” Connor whispered.

“Hey,” Evan whispered back.

“You’re gorgeous,” Connor whispered.

“You’re beautiful,” Evan whispered back.

They stared at each other, wrapped up in love and comforters, not wanting to talk or move or break the moment.

“What time is it?” Evan asked.

“Time isn’t real.”

Evan smiled. “Connor,” He said. "We should probably get back to your house.”

“Or we could run away to New York and go see a broadway show.”

“Don’t try to tempt me!” Evan smiled. Connor sighed and reached over to the nightstand, and grabbed his phone. He unlocked turned it on, and the screen filled up with missed calls, texts, social and media alerts.

“What the fuck?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyyyyyyyy how about that cliffhanger though?????? so here's my writing situation. i have the chapter AFTER this one done but i don't have the chapter after that done. once i finish the chapter i'm currently working on i'll publish the next chapter. let's hope that's soon. anyway. the fluff had to end at some point y'all. also tysm for 300 kudos!!!! i'm dying scoob y'all are the best. 
> 
> pls comment because they motivate me to actually write and because a group of boars is called a singular
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns because... you'll get to see more of my trash personality??? idk guys it's late and i'm tired))
> 
> tree facts courtesy of: https://www.precisiontreemn.com/tips/14-fun-facts-about-trees.html


	28. I'll Make Up A Headline, Say Anything I Have To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which evan is afraid, connor is p i s s e d, and i hurt the boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, panic attacks, a tiny bit of homophobic language

_sincerely.love has requested to follow connormurphy on Instagram_

 

_evanfansens has requested to follow connormurphy on Instagram_

 

_mostamazingtrees has requested to follow connormurphy on Instagram_

 

_evanhansensvibrato has requested to follow connormurphy on Instagram_

 

_223 others have requested to follow connormurphy on Instagram_

 

From: The More Attractive Murphy Sibling

7:14 am

Connor what the hell is going on

 

From: Literally Hermione Granger

7:16 am

Have you seen these?

 

From: The More Attractive Murphy Sibling

7:21 am

Are you guys ok???

 

From: Literally Hermione Granger

7:22 am

_[link]_

_[link]_

_[link]_

 

_Is Sincerely Me’s Evan Hansen GAY? A Look Into The Mysterious Pop-Star’s Private Life_

 

_Everything We Know About Evan Hansen’s Boyfriend, Connor Murphy_

 

_Leaked Photos Reveal Lead Singer of Sincerely Me To Be In A Secret Homosexual Relationship_

 

_Photographer Dylan Thomas trailed the pair as they went on an illicit date to an abandoned apple orchard in rural New Jersey, where Hansen’s suspected boyfriend, high school senior Connor Murphy, is thought to live. Murphy’s sister, Zoe, has been frequently seen interacting with Alana Beck, another member of the band. This shocking insight into notoriously private Evan Hansen’s dating life has left the internet abuzz with fans and reporters alike desperate for new information. Thomas has offered to exclusively license the rest of the photos to the highest bidder._

 

_[image: Connor pulling Evan in by the blanket wrapped around him]_

 

_[image: The pair kissing]_

 

_[image: Connor and Evan walking hand in hand through an apple orchard]_

 

_[image: Connor and Evan laughing together at A la Mode]_

 

_[image: Evan wiping the whipped cream off of Connor’s lip, Connor looking at him fondly, as if he is the only thing in the world]_

 

“C-Connor? What’s wrong? I-is your mom upset? Did something happen? Connor? Babe?”

 

~

 

Connor had never seen Evan have a panic attack. It was not a pretty sight. His face was a mess, redder than Connor had ever seen, he was sobbing, snot bubbling, drool dripping.

“Ev, Evan, breathe with me, c’mon,” Connor sat next to the huddled Evan on the bed, resting a tentative hand on his shoulder. “Hey, hey, it’s alright, we can figure this out.”

Evan shook his head vigorously.

“Breathe in,” Connor said, counting to four in his head. “Now hold,” he counted to seven. “Now out.” Eight.

They breathed like that for a while, until Evan came out of it. After all, the body can only panic for twenty minutes at a time.

“Are you alright?” Connor asked, once Evans sobs had turned in to hiccups interspersed with shaky breaths.

“I-I th-th-think so.” Evan said, leaning into Connor. Connor exhaled. “Wh-what are w-we going t-to do?” Evan whispered. He sounded like a scared child.

“I don’t know. I guess we’ll just say that we’re dating. I mean my parents might freak out but -”

“Connor! W-we can’t j-just say we’re dating! I-it’s not th-that easy!”

“Look, I know how stressful interviews can be for you but -”

“I-I can’t handle this! I can’t handle all these people in my life! I can’t handle them constantly asking me about my love life! I-I don’t want t-to worry that reporters will follow me every time I-I want to go on a d-date with you or something! I-I mean look… th-they’re already blowing up your Instagram… I j-just… it-it’s too much Connor. I-it’s all too much.”

Connor held him. “Hey, look at me. We’ll get through this.”

“He’s freaking out because he’s ashamed of you,” a voice in Connor’s head said. “He doesn’t want to be seen with you. He’s embarrassed that people know about you, because you’re such trash. He’ll probably break up with you. He was only dating you out of pity anyway.” Connor tried to push out all the negative thoughts. Evan loved him. He was just stressed and scared.

“Let’s call Heidi, okay? I’m sure she’ll know what to do.”

Connor paced around the room, trying not to look at Evan who was curled up in a chair mumbling to his mother over the phone. He’d tried to text her, but she said it was too important and they needed to call.

Honestly, Connor sort of thought Evan was over reacting. Sure, he was pissed that some asshole had followed them around and taken pictures of them without their permission, but who gave a fuck if everyone knew that Evan liked boys? He’d scrolled through the _Sincerely Me_ tumblr tag enough to know that most fans already thought Evan and Jared were dating. Which Evan had assured him was not true, and that he and Jared were more like brothers or cousins.

Of course, it didn’t matter how Connor felt. It was Evan’s life. Evan was the person everyone cared about anyway. Connor didn’t understand what it was like to be famous. Connor was probably a selfish asshole for considering his feelings over Evan’s.

“‘Mkay,” He heard Evan’s small and broken voice mumble. “Love you too.” He ended the call, wiping at his tears and nose. Connor stepped cautiously towards Evan.

“Ev?” He asked quietly, placing a tentative hand on Evan’s shoulder. “Hey,” He crouched down in front of him, placing a light hand on his cheek. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ll get through this.” Tears slipped down Evan’s cheek.

“I’m g-gonna have t-to g-go on TV,” He whispered shakily. “A-and t-talk to a-all th-these p-people. P-people are g-gonna s-send me h-hate mail. I r-remember wh-what h-happened to J-Jared when he c-came out. A g-group g-got one of o-our concerts c-cancelled because th-they said we were p-poisioning the minds of th-the y-youth.”

Connor laughed despite himself. Evan wilted a little.

“Sorry,” Connor said. “That was insensitive. It’s just that… that’s really dumb. People are dumb. But your mom loves you and you’ll be fine. Just give it a few months and it’ll all blow over.”

“Y-yeah. I’ll j-just s-say that and i-it’ll all b-be okay. N-no one w-will care.”

Connor snorted. “Except my dad. He’ll probably fucking disown me.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “Wh-what!?” His voice broke, and he started blubbering again.

“ _Shit_ ,” Connor whispered.

“I-I c-can’t believe h-he would d-do that… w-well actually I c-can but i-it’s just s-so terrible -”

“Ev, hey, it’s gonna be alright. Don’t worry. Come back to me. 5-7-8 Ev, 5-7-8.”

They breathed together, in and out, until Evan had become more stable.

“What do you want to do now?” Connor asked. Evan sniffed.

“I w-want to t-talk to Alana,” He said shakily. “C-can we g-go back t-to your pl-place?”

Connor nodded and grabbed their few belongings, swing a comforting arm around Evan’s shoulders and holding him close. He grabbed the room keys and guided Evan out.

“Okay, we just have to check out and -”

“Ho-ly shit!”

Connor whipped his head up. Two teenage girls had detached themselves from their parents and were running over. Evan looked paralyzed.

“Oh my god! Evan fucking Hansen! I knew, _I knew_ , when we saw those pictures that you guys were at A la Mode! This is so cool!” One of the girls was chattering excitedly while the other was pulling out her phone.

“Put that _the fuck_ away!” Connor growled, glaring at her. “Who do you fucking think you are! You can’t just fucking harass people! You can’t just fucking record people without their fucking consent! Leave us the fuck alone!” He was full on yelling now, standing imposingly over the girls. He could see their angry parents shuffling over with pinched looks on their face.

“C-Connor,” Evan whispered. “We should j-just g-go.”

Connor growled and turned, marching towards his car gently pulling Evan by the hand. Once they’d gotten into his car he banged his head against the steering wheel.

“Connor, babe, it’s okay,” Evan mumbled.

“No it’s fucking not!” Connor yelled. “You were fucking nervous and uncomfortable! If anybody fucking invades your privacy I’ll fucking rip them apart!”

“Connor.”

“Like I don’t give a shit if people know I’m gay or whatever but if they think they can treat you like a fucking peice of meat… who do they fucking think they are? Making you scared of leaving the hotel rooms and going on TV because they’re all fucking harpies!”

“Connor, stop.”

Connor pounded his hands against the steering wheel and tugged at his hair. “ I just… the idea of you being scared and uncomfortable… _fuck_ Evan! Fuck this! Fuck them! GOD!”

“ _Connorpleasestopyelling!_ ”

Connor looked at Evan, whose face was read and puffy.

“Evan I-”

“Noit’sfine”

“No Evan I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled,” He reached over to squeeze Evan’s hand but Evan pulled away.

“I’m gonna go turn our key back in,” Connor said. Evan nodded mutely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the rumor come out, does evan hansen is gay????
> 
> okay so we return to the world of angst!! (soz) but also you guys know me my angst is never to angsty cause i'm a sucker for that communication and healthy relationships. FURTHERMORE (see i have more transition words than also because i am a good worder person) 4000 hits thats dope and i would die for each and every one of you. 
> 
> pls comment because the average color of the universe is beige (same)
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns to stay up to date on all the musical theatre fandom drama!! (god that sentence is so ridiculous. thats like saying "stay up to date on all the competitive water ballooning drama.)))


	29. The Calm Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which alana is worried, evan is also worried, and the murphys blaze it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, drug use,

The car ride back to Connor’s house was silent. Evan shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, his teeth chattering, while Connor tapped his fingers nervously on the steering wheel and snuck glances at Evan. 

“Evan,” Connor said after pulling up in front of his house. He wasn’t going to face his parents with all this unresolved tension. 

“I’m sorry that I freaked out. I’m sorry that I scared you. I’m trying to work through all of my… anger issues or whatever the fuck. I promise.”

Evan sucked in a breath and nodded. “I-I know,” He said. 

“I really like you and I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m an asshole.”

“Y-you’re not an a-asshole. I-I didn’t w-want those girls t-to talk to me and I-I was g-glad you made them g-go away I j-just don’t like wh-when people y-yell e-even if it’s n-not at m-me. Honestly I don’t k-know what I w-want I j-just… I-I’m s-sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Connor reached over and kissed Evan softly on the cheek. “I love you, Evan Hansen.”

“And I love you, Connor Murphy. Now, are you ready to face your parents?”

Connor took a deep breath, and they got out of the car. 

When they entered the house, it was strangely devoid of the screaming parents Connor was expecting. Instead, he found Alana pacing the foyer while Zoe angrily plucked out Verdi’s “Requiem” on the piano, something she only did when she was stressed. 

“Oh my god!” Alana said when she say the door open. She rushed over to Evan, running her hands over his face and arms, her eyes frantically searching his face. “Are you alright? Are you hurt? Are you panicking? Do you need to do breathing exercises because I can lead you through them.”

“A-Alana, I’m okay. I-I was outed, n-not assaulted,” Evan said, gently removing himself from her grasp. She sighed. 

“Sometimes those two are as far removed from each other as I’d like them to be,” She said. Evan looked at her with soft eyes. He walked over and pulled her into a tight hug. 

“I’m alright, Lan. I promise.”

Zoe walked up to Connor, hands shoved in her pockets. 

“You good?” She flicked her eyes up at him. He shrugged. 

“Yeah.” There was a beat of silence. “Where are mom and dad?”

“They left this morning to meet the Harrises up north for a New Year’s party at some skiing chalet.”

“That’s the most pretentious fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

She scoffed. “Right?” Zoe shuffled uncomfortably on her feet. “I’m glad you’re like… okay… or whatever.”

Connor wrapped his arms around Zoe pulling her in for a tight hug. “I’m sorry you were worried,” He said, affectionately resting his chin on her head. 

They broke the embrace, and Connor went and sat by Evan on the couch, resting a hand on his thigh. “Sooooooo… what’s the plan?” 

Alana cleared her throat and walked to the middle of the room. “Well, obviously we need to stop these rumors right in their tracks, and the best way to do that is to issue a public statement. We’ve already put a little thing up on the band’s twitter, but Evan, I’m so sorry, you’re going to have to do an interview.”

“I-I f-figured.”

Alana gave him a sympathetic look. “Our manager has gotten Evan and I plane tickets for today. He um… well he thinks it’s best we be in Illinois with our parents and agents and everything. They’re worried people might find Connor’s address and show up here.”

Zoe stood from the piano bench where she’d been sitting. “Wait, you’re leaving! Today! You’ve only been here like three days! We won’t even get to kiss on New Year’s? What the fuck! How is that fair!” 

Alana wilted. “It’s not... and I’m sorry... and it sucks… and I just… I wish we didn’t have to.” She planted a small kiss on Zoe’s cheek, then leaned into her. 

“This is so fucking stupid,” Connor said. “Some fuck hole with nothing better to do has decided to just completely invade our privacy because he could make money off of it! This is so fucking unfair. I’d like to punch Thomas whatever the fuck in his smug ass face.” Evan reached over and squeezed Connor’s hand. He took a deep breath, trying to remind himself that the anger he was feeling towards the reporter was only going to hurt him and those around him. 

“No one likes the situation,” Alana said. “Hell, I had to convince Jared not to hack into the guy’s accounts and release his credit card information.” She took a deep breath. “Evan’s agent is looking into getting a lawyer and prosecuting this guy for taking pictures without consent, but we might not be able to get a case. Fan response has been overwhelmingly positive, though, if not a bit invasive, so I think we’ll be okay if we just _ tell the truth _ .” 

Evan’s face burned red. 

Evan and Alana’s flight was scheduled for eight that night. After they finished their meeting, the four played a quick game of monopoly, trying to forget any bad things that might be happening. Zoe and Connor drove Evan and Alana to the airport and dropped them off in front because “they didn’t want anyone recognizing Connor or Evan.” Connor watched Evan walk away, wheeling his suitcase behind him and melting into the throng of other travellers. Zoe climbed into the front seat and faced Connor. 

“So,” she said. “What do we do now?”

Connor shrugged. “I dunno. Wallow.” 

Zoe _ tsked _ and lightly tapped Connor’s arm. “Connor, it’s New Year’s Eve. Who knows what shitstorm mom and dad are going to create when they get home. We may only have one more night of freedom!” 

“What do you mean we? It’s my ass that’s on the line, not yours.”

“What are you talking about! We stand together! Like Spartacus!” 

“You are such a nerd.”

“Seriously! What do you want to do tonight? You can’t just go be emo cause your boyfriend went home.”

“Evan’s proximity to me has nothing to do with my emo levels.” 

“Whatever, Gerard Way.” 

There was a beat of silence.

Connor cocked an eyebrow at his sister. “Wanna get high?”

Her eyes widened. “I thought you were trying to quit that shit!” 

“I’m trying to quit  _ smoking _ , and stop popping pills. I mean, I’m trying not to blow all my money on weed but I’ve still got some left over. Marijuana has proven medical advantages you know.”

Zoe glared and crossed her arms. 

“Are you sure?” She asked. “I don’t want to like… enable you or whatever.”

“Zo, it’s not crack.”

She sighed. “Why not?” 

Connor guffawed. “Seriously?”

Zoe shrugged. “I mean, who better to get high with than my big brother, professional stoner. Besides, I’d rather you get high with me than by yourself.” 

“Oh my god! I’ve corrupted you! This is the best day of my life!”

“Stop making such a big deal of it! Like you said, it’s not crack.” 

Connor’s face lit up into a smile. “I know the best place to go.” 

 

~

 

“Who knew the roof of our house had such a pretty view?” Zoe said, lazily taking a puff of the joint they’d been working on for the past few hours.

“Uhhhh… I did?” Connor said.

Zoe giggled. “I was being rhetorical dumbass.” 

Connor shot her a teasing look. “Oh my god,” He said. “You are so high right now!”

“Isn’t that the point of smoking pot?”

“Yeah but like… your eyes are completely fucking bloodshot! I’ve never been more proud to be related to you.” 

Zoe rolled her eyes. In the distance, fireworks boomed. She grabbed her phone and glanced at the time. 12:01. 

“Happy New Years, big brother.”

“Happy New Years, little sister.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter is a little uneventful, but trust me, there are worse things it could be. 
> 
> pls comment because wood frogs can survive being completely frozen for extended periods of time
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for more amazing animal facts))
> 
> also check out the song zoe was playing because it is a banger https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PdcmFvZvuI&t=406s


	30. A Tight Knit Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which it's a new year, things get bad, and the title is ironic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Homophobia
> 
> This chapter is really heavy y'all. If you can't read it that's alright. I can summarize in the comments if anyone needs me to <3

“Connor Lazarus Murphy!” Connor was jolted awake by Larry’s angry yelling. He and Zoe had been bingewatching Brooklyn 99 and had fallen asleep, Zoe on the couch and Connor on the floor. 

“Wha?” Zoe said, her eyes half closed. Her hair was a mess, some of it stuck to the side of her mouth from drool. Zoe had always been a messy sleeper. He remembered when they used to sleep in each other’s rooms because their parents were fighting he would always lightheartedly tease her when she woke up, calling her “The Bed Gremlin.” 

Larry seemed to locate his children, and he angrily marched over to the living room (which was different from the den, which was different from the sitting room, god Connor hated this fucking house).

“What the  _ hell _ is this?” Larry dropped a magazine with Connor and Evan kissing on the cover on the floor by Connor’s head. It landed with a loud smack on the hardwood floors. 

Connor sat up, keeping his cool. He’d been prepared for this moment since yesterday morning. Larry would scream and yell, Cynthia would cry and be disappointed in him, there would be a fight, and everyone would go back to quietly hating each other and repressing all their issues like good Irish Catholics by dinner. 

“That looks to be  _ Tween Pop Magazine _ . Didn’t know that was your style, Larry. I thought you were more of a  _ New Yorker _ kinda guy.”

Larry glared at his son. “Don’t you fucking joke around right now. This is goddamned serious.”

Connor smirked. “Wow, dad,  _ language _ -” 

Larry grabbed Connor by the arm, violently yanking him into standing position. 

“Larry!” Cynthia cried softly from the other side of the room. 

“This is serious, Cynthia. I won’t put up with his bullshit anymore! You want my attention, Connor? You’ve fucking got it!” 

“Jesus Christ! This isn’t about your attention! It’s never been about your fucking attention! I. Am. Gay! That’s it! It’s not such a big fucking deal!” 

“It is a big fucking deal, Connor! What are people going to say! What are people going to think! You’re already a big enough fucking embarrassment! I know your generation thinks it’s cool to be a fucking faggot but it isn’t! It’s wrong, Connor! Unnatural and wrong!”

“What the hell dad-”

Larry released him with a hard shove. “I can’t even look at you right now.” 

Connor laughed drily. “God! That’s rich! Like you could stand to look at me bef-”

“Get out.”

“What?”

“Larry,” Cynthia gasped. 

Larry’s voice was terrifyingly calm. “He needs to learn, Cynthia. Connor, you can come back when you’re ready to appreciate the life I’ve given you and abide by the rules I’ve set. Maybe you can go live in the poorhouse with your faggy boyfriend again. God knows I won’t be coming to get you this time.”

“Larry, please,”

“God _ dammit _ , Cynthia! Don’t undermine me!” 

Connor’s mother cowered behind Larry as he looked Connor in the eye. “Get. Out.” 

Connor was numb. Connor was shocked. What was he going to do? Where could he go? He couldn’t call Evan again. Evan was in Illinois. Connor didn’t have any other friends. Would he get to keep his car? Would he have to live on the street? Would he need to become a prostitute? Connor really didn’t want to become a prostitute.

“Dad what the hell!” Zoe moved in front of him, her body radiating rage. 

“Zoe I do not want to have this conversation with you right now -”

“Fuck that, don’t fucking try to kick my brother out!” 

Larry’s voice elevated in edge. “Zoe you’re being a child -”

“Or if you’re going to kick him out you’ll have to kick me out to because I’m dating Alana!” 

“No you are not -”

“That’s right, Lare-bear you’ve got two gay kids how the fuck does that feel! Oh god what’s everyone in the club going to think!” 

“You are not gay -”

“Really? Then why was I having hot gay sex with Alana in your house two nights ago?” 

Larry reared his hand back and struck Zoe across the face. “YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” 

Zoe fell to the floor, loud sobs emulating from her body. Cynthia ran to comfort her daughter. Before he could process what was happening, Connor was slamming Larry against a wall, fists flying. 

“YOU WILL NEVER HIT MY FUCKING SISTER AGAIN! NEVER! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU! I WILL RIP YOU TO FUCKING SHREDS IF YOU EVER COME NEAR HER! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” He pushed Larry towards the door seeing nothing but red. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I RID THE FUCKING EARTH OF YOU!” 

His father managed to remain the picture of composure as he smoothed his clothing and grabbed his wallet and keys. Then, staring at the seething Connor, he left the house. 

The only sounds that could be heard were Zoe’s sobs and a car peeling out of the driveway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> canon: larry, just like every other character, is emotionally complex, and while he does truly love his son, he doesn't know how to effectively parent him  
> me: naaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
> 
> this chapter is sad i'm sorry zoe ilysm. 
> 
> pls comment because bees are found on every continent except antarctica 
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for significantly lighter content))


	31. The Scary Truth Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor is angry, zoe is angry, and cynthia is also angry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, talks of past abuse

Connor couldn’t calm down. He needed to hit something, he needed to throw something, he needed to break something. He grabbed a vase and hurled it against the door, making Zoe and Cynthia both jump. 

“Sorry,” He called. “I’ll clean that up now.” Connor ducked into the pantry and grabbed the broom and dustpan, trying to regulate his breathing. He methodically wiped the shards of ceramic into the dustpan, trying to ignore his sister’s broken mumblings and Cynthia’s worried fretting. 

“I’m so sorry baby, I can’t believe he would do this, I love you so much-”

Connor threw down the broom and whirled on his mother. 

“Maybe if you didn’t let that dirtbag walk all over you this wouldn’t have happened! Maybe if you’d kicked him out the first time he shoved or hit me he wouldn’t have thought he could do it to Zoe! Maybe if you had opinions, or thoughts, or a fucking backbone for once instead of playing the meek cowering housewife, this wouldn’t have fucking happened!” 

“I tried, Connor!” Cynthia sobbed. “I have tried for years to make you happy, to keep your father here, to keep you kids safe! It is not always as simple as divorcing someone! Where would I go? How would I afford a divorce lawyer? How would I be able to provide for you and Zoe without your father -”

“You already don’t provide for us! And don’t you think Zoe and I would pick a stable home over an obscene amount of money?”

She sniffled, wiping at her eyes. “I have tried so hard. So god damned hard. No one gave me a fucking parenting guide book, a fucking map! I’ve been flying blind for the past twenty years and I am sorry that I haven’t always been a good mother. But I tried my hardest, and I loved you, both of you, as fiercely as humanly possible.” 

Connor narrowed his eyes. “Well it wasn’t good enough.” Connor stayed standing, in a silent battle of wills between his mother. Every instinct told him to stalk upstairs, to make some dramatic exit and then blast angsty music in his bedroom, but he had to stay downstairs for Zoe. Had to protect Zoe. That was more important than anything else. 

Cynthia took a deep breath. “Well,” She said. “What do you kids want for dinner?” 

Connor opened his mouth to voice his outrage, but Zoe beat him to it.

“Are you fucking kidding me! Dinner? You want to know what we want for dinner?”

“I don’t know, Zoe!” Cynthia snapped. “What do you want from me? What would you rather I say?”

“Don’t pretend like everything is fucking normal! Don’t pretend like it’s okay and like nothing happened and now let’s all just go have dinner! Talk about shit mom!  _ Talk to us _ ! Please! We just want you to fucking be there for us!” 

“Oh, okay. So… you’re both… um…”

“Gay?” Connor scoffed. “I am. She’s pansexual.”

“That means I -”

“I know what it means, love.” 

There was a beat of silence. 

“And you’re both dating…”

“Evan.”

“Alana.”

“Yes good right okay. Um. And you all are practicing safe sex and everything?”

“Oh god mom, gross!” 

“Well Zoe you’re the one who said you wanted me to talk to you about things!” 

And the tension was lighter. 

 

~

 

Cynthia didn’t make dinner. They ordered pizza and ate it on the couch while watching old disney movies, with Zoe’s head in Cynthia’s lap and Connor nestled against her side, just like they used to when they were kids and scared of storms and Larry was gone for the weekend, because what else were they supposed to do? 

This wasn’t a normal fight. Something had shifted in the Murphy household. But sometimes that’s what broken things need. 

“I’m sorry, Connor,” Cynthia whispered once Zoe had fallen asleep. “I’m sorry that I never helped you. I didn’t know what to do. That’s not an excuse but... it’s what happened. I saw you drifting away from me and I thought if I just gave you space, if I just let you figure everything out on your own…” She sighed. “And I was scared. I was scared that I had failed you as a mother, so I thought if I just ignored it it would go away. If I just let you do whatever you wanted you would eventually come back to me,” She tried to keep the tears out of her voice. “But that’s not what you needed baby. I knew it the minute I walked into that Hansen boy’s house. And I just felt… so terrible. Because this woman had managed to be a better mother to my son in three days than I had in seventeen years. I love you Connor. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t do a better job of… well everything. And I don’t expect you to forgive me, god knows I don’t deserve it, but I do love you. So much.”

She sniffled and tried to discreetly wipe the tears from her eyes. 

“I love you too, mom,” Connor mumbled into her arm, twisting himself into the warm embrace of his mother. “I don’t forgive you, but I love you.”

She gasped softly and held her Connor, smoothing his hair until he fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CYNTHIA MURPHY REDEMPTION ARC!!! 
> 
> there were so many comments and messages about the last chapter that i really just wanted to update again today so have this!! it's another kind of short one but it's also healing sooooo. 
> 
> pls comment because a group of finches is called a charm
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns I will shower you with love and affection if you say one (1) nice thing to me))
> 
>  
> 
> and hey
> 
>  
> 
> good luck for 32 ;)


	32. Slam On The Brake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which evan is under pressure, connor is not having a good time, and it's not a sex scene guys jesus christ.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

“Connor, are you sure you want to watch this by yourself?” Zoe asked. 

“Yes, Zoe. Just because we’ve all bonded and I’m on medication doesn’t mean we’re the fucking Brady Bunch. I’m not gonna pop some popcorn and sit down with my mom and sister to watch my boyfriend get interrogated about our relationship by some sleeze bag latenight host for thirty minutes.” 

“Whatever. Just trying to offer support.” 

Connor softened. “I know. I’m just… really nervous. I just want to watch it on my own okay?”

“Alright. But I’m always here for you, you know that right?”

“Sure, Jan.” 

“Connor Murphy do not use outdated memes with me!” 

 

~

 

“And now we welcome Evan Hansen, lead singer and songwriter for the band  _ Sincerely Me _ !” The studio audience whooped and cheered. Evan shuffled nervously on to the stage, taking a seat next to the host. Connor didn’t remember the host’s name, but he reminded him of Caesar Flickerman from the Hunger Games.  

“How are you today Evan?” 

“I’m um, and yeah, so th-that’s, um, and, yeah,” Evan said. A few people in the studio audience laughed uncomfortably. The host nodded slowly. 

“Alright then.” There was a pause. “Well Evan let’s get right to it. Everyone has been talking about your latest scandal.” The pictures appeared on a screen above the host, eliciting “awes” and “whoops” from the audience. Connor did not appreciate the audience.

“Now,” the host said, a giant superficial grin on his face. “I know you’re only seventeen, and trying to uh, figure everything out, but on behalf of America, I think we would’ve appreciated a little warning! I mean, you can’t keep us in the dark about everything, Ev!” The host looked at Evan expectantly. 

“Um. I mean. Yeah. Uh. Okay. C-cool b-beans.”

“Cool beans indeed!” He laughed, and it sounded fake. “So, you and  _ Connor Murphy _ ? Small town boy from New Jersey. Dad owns a law firm. Looks like his sister is friends with Alana. How long have you two been getting hot and heavy?” He raised his eyebrows. 

“Um. W-we. Haven’t.” 

“What?”

What. 

“No uh w-we’re j-just friends! I-I m-mean, C-Connor’s great, but I like, barely know him! I k-know h-him through um, A-Alana! A-And Z-Zoe and w-we’ve hung o-out b-before a-and I st-tayed at his house b-but w-we aren’t uh, um, d-dating.” 

_ What _ .

“We have… pictures of the two of you kissing…”

“HA! Um, um, um, I mean, h-how easy is it t-to manipulate p-pictures a-and photoshop, I-I m-mean I’ve seen p-pictures of m-me and J-Jared kissing a-and me and A-Alana kissing but I h-haven’t kissed either of th-them so I mean, like, that’s you know, that’s the, uh, th-that’s the tea.” 

“There’ve been reports he stayed at your house back in November?” 

“Well th-that’s j-just a r-rumor it doesn’t m-mean we’re d-dating!” 

“What about when he showed up at your concert in Cleveland and your mother took him backstage? Or the um ‘pretty boy’ incident in Philly?”

“LookIsaidwe’renotdatingsowe’renotdatingOKAY?” Evan all but yelled. “I d-don’t even l-like C-Connor! H-He’s all depressing a-and h-he j-just, um, h-he wears bl-black all the t-time and I’m n-not… I don’t… okay?” 

“Alright then. There you have it folks. Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy are nothing more than the fever dream of teenage lesbians on the internet. Thanks for coming on Evan. Next up we have…”

What the fuck.

What. The. Fuck.

WHAT

THE

FUCK!?

Connor couldn’t tell if he was more sad or angry. 

No, he was definitely more angry. 

No, he was… definitely more sad. 

“Connor?” He was vaguely aware that Zoe and Cynthia were in his doorway. 

“Connor, baby, are you okay?” Cynthia crouched down next to him and put her arms around him. He shrugged her off and said with pure ice in his voice. 

“Yeah. I’m fine. I’m great. Why the fuck wouldn’t I be?” 

“Con, you don’t have to shut us out,” Zoe said. 

“Of course I don’t! You guys are acting like my boyfriend just bashed me on national television! But you forget, according to Evan fucking Hansen, I don’t  _ have _ a boyfriend!” 

“Connor I’m sure he was just nervous, you know Evan he -”

“I thought I knew Evan. Apparently I was mistaken.” He pushed past his sister and stalked onto the back deck. 

 

From: Connor <3 <3

6:38 pm

call me

 

From: Connor <3 <3

6:38 pm

I know you can see this fucking call me evan

 

From: The Tree Fucker <3

6:39 pm

can’t we just text

 

From: Connor <3 <3

6:39 pm

fuck no we can’t. call. me. 

 

“H-Hi C-Connor,”

“What the  _ fuck _ , Evan?” 

“ _ He hates you. You can’t deny it now. He told everyone he hated you. How could you ever think you were good enough for him? _ ”

“B-Babe I-I’m so sorry, I d-don’t even k-know wh-what came o-over me w-word j-just st-started t-tumbling o-out of my m-mouth and -”

“And not only did you deny we were dating, but you said you didn’t even  _ like _ me!”

_ “He never liked you. He never  _ _ loved _ _ you. _ ”

“But C-Connor y-you know th-that’s not t-true,” 

“Tell me, Evan, how exactly am I too depressing for you? Do you get sad because you can’t stand to have a suicidal boyfriend? We can’t all just get magically better through the fucking power of music!” 

“ _ You’re too fucked up. You’re too broke. How could you ever think that someone could understand you? Could want you? You’re unloveable _ .” 

“Connor please just listen to me!”

“I’m done listening to you Evan! Everything you say is bullshit! You said that I would get better! Bullshit! You said you would always be there for me! Bullshit! You said you were proud of me! Bullshit! You said you loved me! Bull-fucking-shit! I’m done! I’m done deluding myself that I’m anything more than a fuck up and I’m done being toyed around with by you! Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!” 

“ _ You’re nothing. You’re worthless. And now the whole world knows it. _ ” 

“A-Are you b-breaking u-up with m-me?” Evan was crying now. 

“I don’t know how I could be. According to the TV we were never dating in the first place.”

“C-Connor I -”

Connor ended the call before Evan could finish his sentence. He hurled his phone into the yard and it hit the brick wall separating their yard from the neighbors with a satisfying crunch. Connor stared numbly out into space before crumpling onto the deck and breaking out in sobs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so do you hate me yet or what? 
> 
> pls comment because the plant uranus is tilted at 97.77 degrees precisely
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns where I reblog happy art and almost trick you into thinking i'm a kind person))


	33. Undeniable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor is depressed, zoe is protective, and the murphy siblings return to school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Violence, Homophobia

Connor didn’t want to talk to anyone. He would tolerate Zoe, but only if she didn’t bring up anything about Him. He would sometimes indulge his mother, because he wasn’t going to let That Asshole ruin the fragile relationship with her just like he ruined everything else.

Connor didn’t leave his room for the rest of winter break. Alana and Jared wouldn’t stop trying to get a hold of him, they messaged him over tumblr and instagram and even emailed him. Then they’d call Zoe and try to get her to talk to him for her, but she didn’t. Sometimes Connor heard her having tense conversations with Alana on the phone and would catch his name. That sucked. He didn’t want to be what caused a rift between the two of them, but he wasn’t going to talk to Him. He wasn’t going to talk to any of them. He just wanted to put the past two months behind him. He wanted to pretend Alana, Jared, Mrs. Hansen, and The Other One were all some sick fever dream. Something his suicidal mind had concocted to try and force him to be a better person, try and force him to believe he was worth loving.

On Monday he and Zoe went back to school. They exited their cars and stood awkwardly in the parking lot, Connor because he didn’t want to go in, and Zoe because she didn’t want to go in without Connor.  

“Hey,” She said. “Don’t let… You Know Who keep you from doing good in school. You know that you want to go to college, to dance. Who knows, maybe losing yourself in schoolwork will help.”

Connor shrugged.

Zoe pulled him into a tight, silent hug.

 

~

 

Connor could feel all the eyes on him in the hallway. Usually he felt like everyone was watching him, waiting for him to fuck up so they could make fun of him, but today they actually were.

_“That’s him,”_

_“Connor Murphy,”_

_“I can’t believe I didn’t know he went to our school!”_

_“Isn’t he the printer kid?”_

_“Wait, why is he special?”_

_“Oh my god have you heard?”_

_“He fucked Evan Hansen!”_

_“He’s even hotter than in the pictures,”_

_“I heard he had a three way with Jared Kleinman and Evan Hansen,”_

_“Isn’t he Zoe Murphy’s brother?”_

_“I heard that he tried to kill himself, and that’s why Evan dumped him,”_

_“I bet he’s the one who photoshopped all those pictures, and he’s actually just Evan Hansen’s crazy stalker,”_

_“He does look the type,”_

_“I’d screw him,”_

_“Really? He’s gay?”_

_“You can totally tell he’s a fag. Look at that hair,”_

“Hey! Murphy!” Connor was surprised that someone was actually addressing him directly. He flicked his eyes up from his shoes and saw himself face to face with Ethan Donaghey, one of the linestarters or quarterkickers on the football team. Connor didn’t say anything, but let his face fall into a menacing scowl. “My little sister was writing fanfiction about you!”

Jesus Christ. Ethan reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. He cleared his throat and began to speak in a high, girlish tone.

“‘“E-Evan we shouldn’t!” Connor said. “Not in a public bathroom!” Evan smirked. “Why not?” He said sensually. Connor tried to think rationally, but he was distracted by Evan’s giant, exposed, pulsating c-”

Connor pushed passed him. He was finished being humiliated. Ethan grabbed him by the crook of his arm and held him so close that Connor could smell his breath.

“Where do you think you’re going, fag?”

Connor bit down on his lip so hard that he drew blood. He was trying to turn over a new leaf at school, but life was not making it easy.

“Well? What are you going to say, asshole?”

Breathe Connor, breathe Connor, breathe Connor, breathe.

 _Whup_.

Connor felt a fist connect with is stomach, and all the air force itself out of him. Fuck. It hurt. He wheezed slightly trying not to show how much pain he was in. Vaguely, he could hear the reaction of the crowd, the cheers of some and the shocked gasps of others.

 _Wham_.

Another blow landed. Connor wasn’t really sure why this was happening, but he didn’t doubt he deserved it.

He heard someone screaming, and then he was wrenched out of Ethan’s grasp and back to reality. Zoe was screaming at the jock, clawing at his face. He grabbed her by the shirt and lifted her small body off the ground.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing you little bitch?”

Connor grabbed onto Ethan’s hand with a surprising amount of force. He was taller than the other boy, and he swung Ethan around so that they were facing each other. Surprised at the contact, Ethan dropped Zoe to the ground. She landed on her feet with a small “oof.”

“Listen to me, asshole,” Connor growled, his eyes boring into Ethan’s face. “If you ever, so much as _look_ at my sister, I will _fucking_ _kill_ _you_.” He spat blood in Ethan’s face, pushing him down to the ground then mumbled a “c’mon, Zoe” and stalked down the hall.

 

~

 

Connor wasn’t sure why he thought eating in the lunchroom was a good idea. He had barely gotten three bites of horrible cafeteria food down his throat when three jittery freshman approached his table.

Connor looked up from his book at them. The stared at him like he was a cobra at a zoo. He finished chewing the bite of food he was working on and then took a drink of water.

“Can I… help you?” Connor growled after what felt like an eternity.

“Um, hi, uh, Mr. Murphy,” the boy of the group said, taking a tiny step forward and bumping into the table. Connor raised his eyebrow inquisitively. “W-We were wondering you’re actually dating Evan Hansen? We all love _Sincerely Me_ and we heard the rumors and just had to ask -”

Connor’s hands tightened into fists. “I’m not dating Evan fucking Hansen.”

“But -”

“I’m not dating that asshole, so kindly fuck off.”

The kids nodded. One looked like she was blinking back tears. They all scuffled away. Connor felt kind of bad, but not bad enough to regret snapping at them. They shouldn’t have pressed.

A few minutes later a short girl who he recognized from calculus sat down next to him. She looked so fucking bubbly it made Connor’s eyes hurt.

“Hi Connor! I’m Christine, from calculus? Anyway, I’m the president of the GSA and we just wanted to tell you you’re welcome to -”

“No.” Connor said plainly.

“Alright!” She said, perky as ever, hopping off the bench and skipping away. Connor turned back to his book.

He couldn’t finish the god damned chapter before someone else sauntered up to this table. This time it was some kid who was probably a junior or sophomore.

“Hey man, I’m sorry, but I lost a bet and now I gotta come ask you this, but uh, you and that band dude, what was the sex like?”

Connor stared at the kid. He wanted to blow up on him. He was going to blow up on him, but

was swept up by a stupid memory instead.

It was the night before New Year’s Eve. Connor and Evan were on the bed at the motel, wrapped up in each other’s arms, kissing each other deeply. Evan had his hand tangled tightly into Connor’s hair, Connor was playing with the hem of Evan’s shirt, reaching for any exposed skin he could. Connor nipped at Evan’s collarbone, leaving little marks just out of sight if he was wearing a shirt.

“Do you…” Connor asked at the same time Evan said;

“Should we…”

The laughed.

“Y-You go f-first,” Evan said.

“Do you want to stop?” Connor asked.

Evan laughed. “I was going to a-ask y-you the s-same thing.” He was quiet for a second. “I d-don’t want t-to stop, b-but I a-also don’t th-think I want to g-go any further. I-Is that… o-okay?”

Connor placed a soft, chaste kiss on Evan’s lips.

“It’s perfect,” He said. “You’re perfect.” And once more, the two fell into each other.

“Whoa, dude, are you like… crying?” The boy asked. Connor blinked a few times, banishing any mist he might’ve gotten in his eyes.

“Fuck no!” He said. Connor sighed. “Just… can you just leave me alone, man? Can you just…” He trailed off, grabbing his book and his backpack and left the cafeteria, dumping his tray on the way out.

 

~

 

Connor’s first instinct was to leave, dramatically tear out of the school and hide out in his car. Go get high some where or take out his feelings on his arms.

But he couldn’t do that to Zoe. Or to himself, for that matter. He wanted to get away from his parents as soon as possible and that meant actually graduating. Besides, he wouldn’t let That Asshole be the only reason he was taking care of himself. Connor didn’t need Him. Connor could be fine on his own! He wasn’t some bullshit swooning YA protagonist who tried to kill themselves over a breakup.

He walked to the dance studio, a spacious and bright room sequestered away on the third floor. Connor had his first dance class today, advanced tap. Then tomorrow he was taking intermediate ballet. At first the teacher hadn’t wanted him to transfer in, but apparently his counselor pulled some strings. Connor slipped his shoes off and stuck them in his bag before going inside. His old dance instructor had drilled the “no shoes on the marley” rule into him from such a young age he was surprised it wasn’t carved into his skin, a-la Harry Potter book five. He reached into his bag and pulled out his black ballet shoes, slipping them onto his feet. Connor tied his hair up into a bun and blasted some music out of his newly replaced phone. He headed over to the barre and started doing some stretches and warm-ups. Connor was definitely more into tap as a form of art expression, but sometimes the fast movements and loud sounds made his mood worse than better. The focused discipline and fluid movement of ballet helped calm him down.

He lost himself in the music, going starting with a simple adagio, and building up to an improvised routine fulled of pirouettes and arabesques and brisé-volés.

“ _Oh, the truth,_   
_The damn hard truth,_   
_That I didn't think I was capable of love, loving anyone, even you._   
_But then you, undeniable you,_   
_You came to me like a dream and you changed me through and through._   
_Because I, I was broken good,_   
_Never thought that I could love again._   
_I thought I'd leave this world a lonely man,_   
_But then you, undeniable you,_ _  
Changed me through and through_.”

Connor finished au terre, the words of the music seeping into him. He hadn’t thought when he’d turned on the album it would hit him so hard. Of course it had to be a fucking love song. He laid on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, searching for a reason to get up.

“Okay Bella Swan,” Connor said outloud. “Time to stop pining over a lying douchebag and go to fucking class.”

He stood up and grabbed his phone, turning off the music. Then he slipped it into his bag and was about to leave the dance studio when a petite muscular woman slipped out of a darkened office.

“Why haven’t I seen you around before?” She asked. Connor cursed himself internally. He wouldn’t have done any of that if he knew the teacher was fucking stalking him from her office. He shrugged.

She narrowed her eyes. “I could tell from your dancing you haven’t been in a class in a while, so allow me to remind you of the proper etiquette. When your instructor asks you something, you answer.”

Connor sighed. “I didn’t do much of anything for a while I guess. I’m starting your class later today if that helps. Advanced tap.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Connor Murphy, right?”

He nodded, then said, “Yes ma’am.”

“Well, I’ll see you then, Connor.”

He nodded again, taking that as his opportunity to leave. Right as he had his hand on the door, the teacher called out again.

“And Connor, you’re pretty damn good. You’ve got a lot ahead of you kid, whether it involves whatever Edward you’re trying to get over or not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like it's still sad but guys I promise it gets better just **trust me** okay??
> 
> pls comment because william henry harrison (ninth president of the united states) was only president for one month
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns where I reblog roughly 300 posts a day))
> 
> the song that connor was jamming out to was "undeniable you" by jukebo the ghost. they're a great band that you should check out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpTkuDXLPPg


	34. Dance, School, And College

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which jared returns, connor is trying, and cynthia gets a true redemption arc my dudes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Parental Neglect, Talks of Past Abuse

Connor had 103 missed calls from Jared and Alana. He didn’t even know a phone could store that many missed calls. He stomped into Zoe’s room.

“Can you please ask your girlfriend to stop calling me?” He snapped. 

“Yeah, no. For the sake of our relationship Alana and I have decided not to discuss you and Evan breaking up until the wound is less fresh.” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Seriously there’s got to be some way to fucking block their numbers or -” His phone started buzzing. Connor pressed the green “accept” button and aggressively pressed it to his ear. “ _ What the fuck do you want Kleinman? _ ”

“Holy shit!” Jared exclaimed. “You actually picked up!” 

Connor walked back in his room, a scowl fixed on his face. “You wouldn’t stop calling.” 

“So my tactic worked then?” Connor could practically hear Jared’s self satisfied smirk. 

“What? No! It just… ugh. What the fuck do you want Kleinman!” 

“You said that already.”

“Well you never answered it!” 

“I mean I want you to get back together with Evan…”

“Jared I swear to god -”

“But, I know that that’s not gonna happen, and if somehow it does happen it won’t be because of me begging you to take him back so he gets the fUCK OUT OF BED FOR ONCE JESUS HANSEN IT’S BEEN DAYS!” Jared took a breath. “Anyway. I wanted to check on you. Make sure you were doing good. Hangin’ in there and stuff.”

“Why would you want to check on me?”

“Because we’re friends, pretty boy.”

“Really? Because I distinctly remember you telling me that if I hurt Evan you would destroy me.”

“Yeah but that was like… if you hurt him for no reason. Or… I don’t know… I mean… I guess I understand why you broke up with him - don’t look at me like that Hansen you were being a shit!” 

Connor heard some mumbling from (presumably) Evan. 

“No okay don’t… fuck… don’t start crying again Evan. Evan I know, I know, I get it I understand that not everything is black and white… oh my god Hansen don’t just… you can’t just hide from your feelings Hansen! Get out of the fucking blanket fort… Jesus Christ. That’s it, I’m tapping out. ALANA! You’re on Evan duty.” 

Connor heard Jared clear his throat. 

“Anyway! How you doin’ Connor?”

Connor scowled. “I’m fine,” He said, voice completely flat. 

“Well that’s bullshit.”

“Seriously Jared I don’t want to have this conversation right now. Evan and I are not going to get back together, alright! You don’t have to pretend to like me! So just… stop calling” Connor was about to hang up when Jared practically yelled out;

“Hold up! You think I only pretend to like you? For Evan or something?” 

Connor didn’t say anything. 

“Jesus Christ, Connor! Of course not! I don’t give a half churned fuck what Evan’s boyfriends or girlfriends think of me! I don’t care enough about people to pretend I like them! Not being an asshole all the time is hard enough, I can’t pretend to be nice unless I’m getting paid.”

“...Oh.”

“Yeah, dumbass. I like you. No homo.”

Connor laughed for the first time in days. “Shut the fuck up, Kleinman!” 

Connor could hear Jared’s smile over the phone. “So will you cut the bullshit and talk to me?” 

Connor sighed, and flopped onto his bed. “What do you want me to say? I got beat up at school yesterday for being a fag. People won’t stop asking me about Evan’s dick and that’s awkward for multiple reasons, and I miss him, but I hate him, but I miss him so much and I just… I want get back together but I… I can’t. I just. God! He’s such a fucking asshole! I was happy for five goddamn minutes and he had to go and fuck it all up!”

Jared was silent. 

“ _ Jared is his best friend, dumbass. If he didn’t hate you before he definitely hates you now! _ ” 

Connor groaned. “God dammit! Now you’re probably pissed at me and think I’m an assshole and this is exactly why I didn’t want to have this conversation! I’m just… I’m not made for friendships Jared. I’m not made for friendships or relationships or anything like that. I’m just… I’m just a fucking broken mess. I ruin everything I touch. I’m a black hole.” 

“Con -” Connor pressed “end call.” Jared called him again, but he turned off his phone. He went over to his computer and looked up how to block someone’s number. Maybe now he would get a moment of peace. 

 

~

 

Connor wasn’t sure what time it was when he woke up to the screaming. 

“ _ God,” _ He thought. “ _ I wish they would just shut up! _ ” 

Wait.

His dad wasn’t here anymore. 

Connor was out of bed like a shot, tearing downstairs. He was about to burst into the foyer, but decided to stop right outside of his parent’s line of sight, ready to come in if his mom needed saving. 

“Cynthia, please, you’re being ridiculous,” Larry’s words were calm but he had a dangerous edge to his voice. 

“I’m being ridiculous?” Cynthia made no effort to hide her anger. “You hit my kids, Larry!” 

“They’re my kids, too!”

“Well you don’t fucking act like it!”

“Oh, don’t you stand there on some high horse! You haven’t exactly been mother of the year!”

Her voice got quiet. “I know that. I’m trying to change. Starting with this. This relationship hasn’t been anything but toxic for the past ten years. I can’t do it anymore, Larry.” 

Zoe crept downstairs next to Connor. They shared a look of dreadful understanding. 

“Cynthia, stop.”

“Larry, I’m sorry I just -”

_ Bang _ . The sound of Larry punching the wall. Both Connor and Zoe ran into the living room, ready to be on defense if they needed to. Larry was a mess. His clothing was ruffled, his beard unshaven, his clothes unkempt. 

Cynthia kept her cool. “Larry. We’re done. You need to leave.”

“You can’t kick me out of my own god damned house!” 

“Fine. Then the kids and I will leave.” 

Larry shook his head. “Cynthia… I love you.”

For the first time since starting the conversation, a tear slipped down Cynthia’s cheek. “I love you too, Larry,” She whispered. “But it isn’t enough.”

Connor stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his mother, letting her relax and sob into his shoulder. Larry looked around the room, eyes searching like a helpless little kid. 

“Zoe,” He whispered, seeing the purple mark under her eye. “Zoe I’m so sorry. Zoe, I love you so much.”

Tears slipped down Zoe’s face. “I know, dad,” She whispered. 

Larry closed his mouth and nodded. He finally understood. “Cynthia, I’ll, I’ll be back to pick up some of my things while the kids are at school tomorrow.” He sighed, and searched around the room, staring at his small, broken family one last time. “I’m sorry,” He said. “I’m just… I’m sorry.” 

And with that, he was gone.

 

~

 

School didn’t get any better. Connor started spending every minute he wasn’t in class in the dance studio, staying afterwards as well. 

The dance teacher, Mrs. Finch, pushed Connor. She showed no mercy, making sure his every move was perfect. After they were both too exhausted to keep dancing, she would grill him on dance terms and help him with his homework for other classes. They would pour over college applications, and Mrs. Finch set up interviews with different conservatories. Connor would sometimes stay at school until eight at night, pouring himself into dance, pouring himself in to schoolwork. He didn’t think about anything else except dance, school, and college. Dance, school, and college. Dance, school, and college. 

Eventually, the pain of missing Evan subsided to a dull ache. He didn’t think about him everyday. He tried to pretend that he chose a conservatory in Chicago because it was the best school, and not because it was close to Naperville. 

He would be fine without Evan. 

He would be fine.

Dance, school, and college. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't remember who it was but someone wanted more jared and so i added that part just for you. one more chapter and then it's OVER!! are you guys ready? i'm not ready. 
> 
> pls comment because green eggs and ham by dr seuss has exactly 50 words in it
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns to catch me crying in the club about voltron season three and great comet closing))
> 
> also no one caught the bmc cameo in the last chapter and i'm disappointed in you guys :/ (not actually lol)


	35. Supernova

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which [spoiler], [spoiler], and IT'S THE END OH MY GOD Y'ALL I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

Illinois in late summer was humid as fuck. Connor tied his hair up in a bun and wiped the sweat off of his brow. 

“I can’t believe you’re already dripping with sweat and we haven’t even started yet,” Zoe said, getting out of her car, which was parked right next Connor’s. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever Ms. I-Don’t-Even-Have-Sweat-Glands-I’m-That-Fucking-Perfect.” 

Zoe put her sunglasses on her head and rolled her eyes. “I have sweat glands. I just don’t dress like I’m at Gerard Way’s funeral all the time.” 

Connor laughed. “Yeah, okay, whatever, just help me with these boxes.” 

Zoe popped open her trunk and started pulling out cardboard boxes with labels like “plates” and “clothes” and three or four labelled “books.” Connor picked two up and they started walking up the stairs into his small apartment. 

“I still can’t believe you got this place as a freshmen,” She said, shaking her head. 

Connor laughed. “Alimony, little sister.” 

Zoe scoffed. “Oh my  _ god _ , Connor, you can’t just say things like that!” 

Connor laughed and deposited the boxes on the hardwood floor his apartment. He looked around at the lack of furniture. “We should go to Ikea before you go back home. If I don’t do it with you I probably won’t do it at all.” 

“Jesus, how are you going to live on your own?”

“Have you seen how tight my schedule is? Classes from eight to ten. I’ll barely ever be home!” 

Zoe whistled. “Jeez. Conservatories do not fuck around.”

Connor laughed. “Nope.”

“You love it though, don’t you?” 

“Abs-fucking-lutely.” There was a pause. “Alright. Let’s get those boxes up here before they liquify in this humidity.” 

Connor and Zoe spent the next two hours bringing up all of his boxes. Alana brought them lunch. Connor hadn’t seen her since New Year’s Eve, six months ago, but after the initial small talk it wasn’t too awkward. They sat on Connor’s floor eating pizza out of the box and drinking gas station pop, trying to hear the music on Zoe’s phone over the loud air conditioning unit. 

“So, we’re having a concert tonight,” Alana said. “It’s really small, all V.I.P. access and stuff, but I just happen to have two free tickets with me…”

Connor shifted. “I don’t know…”

Zoe scoffed. “Connor, seriously, it’s been six months, okay. You’re going to have to deal with the fact that Evan exists.”

“I am dealing with his existence. I just don’t need it shoved in my face.” 

“Please, Connor! I really want to go!” 

Alana looked at Connor. “It would mean a lot if you guys came.”

Connor threw his hands up. “Jesus H. Fuck! Fine! I’ll go.” 

 

~

 

The small bar where  _ Sincerely Me _ was performing was loud, crowded, and stuffy. Connor wasn’t sure how they’d gotten in, since they were both minors, but Zoe pointed out a sign that said it was “all ages night.” They jostled their way towards the stage and found some seats, squished between an over excited preteen and a distressed looking reviewer. 

“Hey everybody!” Alana said, coming out onstage with a million dollar smile. “Thanks so much for coming out! And extra thanks to my adorable girlfriend, Zoe! Hey babe!” She blew Zoe a kiss. The crowd “whooped” and “awed.” Alana blushed. “Oh stop it you guys!” She laughed. “Anyway, we are  _ Sincerely Me _ !” 

The started with one of their older but really popular hits,  _ Waving Through A Window, _ and played a few more songs like  _ Disappear _ , and  _ For Forever _ which had come out after Evan and Connor broke up, and Connor had a sneaking suspicion it was about their first, and last, date. 

“And now,” Jared said after _ You Will Be Found _ , the song they usually ended on. “Evan has something he’d like to say.”

Evan cleared his throat and adjusted his guitar. 

“Um, h-hi e-everyb-body,” He said. Connor’s heart tugged. “D-Depending on h-how invested in th-the band or th-the p-press, you may know th-that I h-had a bit of a s-scandal a f-few months ago.” He laughed awkwardly. “I-I’m not gonna g-get into i-it but I w-was… a t-terrible b-boyfriend. A-And, I”m s-sorry.” Tears were streaming down his face. He chuckled. “Hah, s-sorry about th-this t-too. Anyway, C-Connor, I wr-wrote this f-for you.” 

He took a deep breath and the stage went dark, only a single spotlight on Evan and his acoustic guitar. 

“ _ Guess it’s true I’m not good at a one night stand _

_ But I still need love cause i’m just a man _

_ These things never seem to go to plan _

_ But I don’t want you to leave will you hold my hand  _

_ Oh won’t you stay with me _

_ Because you’re all I need _

_ This is love, it’s clear to see _

_ So darling, stay with me _

_ Why am I so emotional _

_ No it’s not a good look, need some self control _

_ Deep down I know that this can work _

_ Will you stay with me until it doesn’t hurt? _

_ Oh won’t you stay with me _

_ Cause you’re all I need _

_ This is love, it’s clear to see _

_ So darling, stay with me _

_ So darling, stay with me. _ ” 

The house erupted. And Connor was tearing out of the door. 

“Connor!” He heard someone call after him, but kept going. 

He ran outside the bar and leaned up against the wall. Evan came sprinting out a second later, face flushed. 

“What the fuck, Evan!” Connor yelled. 

Evan went red. “I th-thought you w-would like i-it! I-I’m not a-afraid anymore! I-I’m willing to t-tell people a-about us if th-that’s what it t-takes!” 

Connor laughed joylessly. He slammed his hand against the wall. 

“That’s not what it’s about, Evan! That’s never what it’s about! I don’t give a flying fuck whether or not you want to tell people about your personal life! I don’t need you to make some big, romantic gesture that just pulls you out of your comfort zone! I don’t care if you’re anxious, if you want to be private, hell, I like that! Because it makes you you! And I… I love you! I never stopped loving you!”

“I l-love you t-too, C-Connor. I-I’ve felt absolutely a-awful for the p-past six months. I w-wish I could t-take it all back, t-tell everyone how amazing you are. H-How lucky I am t-too have y-you.” 

Rebellious tears slipped down Connor’s cheeks. “You took my worst fears and put them on national television,” He whispered. “I never thought I was good enough for you, never thought I deserved you. You… I… I thought you were ashamed of me. A-And I couldn’t blame you.” He sobbed, a broken, heaving sound. 

Evan wrapped his arms around him. He was crying too. 

“I could n-never be ashamed of you Connor. I would sh-shout it from the r-rooftops if I th-thought it would convince you. Y-You’re the b-best thing that’s ever h-happened to me.” 

“I don’t need you to shout it from the rooftops Evan. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what can make me believe you. You could tell me every day for the rest of our lives that you loved me and I would still have trouble.”

Evan turned to face Connor, and gripped his face in his hands. He looked him straight in the eye.

“I love you, Connor Murphy. And I w-will gladly tell you e-everyday for the rest of our l-lives. Telling y-you I loved y-you would be a p-priviledge I w-would be s-so grateful to h-have.” 

And then they were kissing. Soft but urgent, trying to hold each other so close it would make up for the past six months of being apart. They stayed like that awhile, kissing, reveling in each other’s embrace, appreciating they could finally once again be in arms that felt like home. 

After some time, they broke. 

“Hi,” Connor whispered. 

“H-Hi,” Evan whispered back. 

“Do you want to start over?” 

Evan nodded. “H-Hi. I’m Evan H-Hansen, an incredibly a-awkward bisexual m-mess who can be the b-biggest idiot sometimes, a-and I love you.”

Connor smiled. “Hi. I’m Connor Murphy, a paranoid gay dancer with anger issues and addiction problems. And I love you.” 

Connor pulled Evan into an embrace. 

“Guess what,” He said. 

“What?” 

“I just got a new apartment. And Zoe’s staying at Alana’s tonight.”

“C-Connor M-Murphy, are you asking me out on a d-date?” 

Connor laughed. They walked hand-in-hand down the busy Chicago streets. Tomorrow, they would worry about telling Jared and Alana and Zoe where they disappeared too. They would stress about the pictures and reports of Evan’s declaration of love. They would go on interviews and deal with agents, and Evan would write songs for Connor to dance to, but tonight, they had each other. And when Connor looked at Evan he saw every star in the sky explode into a cacophony of light, a trillion, billion supernovas, without a black hole amongst them. 

“I love you,” He said, and squeezed Evan’s hand.

“I love you, too,” Evan replied, and squeezed back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thats it lol.
> 
> you guys didn't actually think i wasn't going to end it in romance, did you?? 
> 
> MKAY NOW IMMA GET SUPER SAPPY
> 
> so this was such an amazing experience. this is the longest thing i've ever written and i'm honestly like... really proud of myself. the support that i've gotten has been so incredible. i am so thankful for ever hit, kudos, bookmark, and comment on this story. @ everyone who has commented regularly or sent me messages on tumblr, i just want you to know i think of us as friends and also consider you to be an amazing human (<\-- if you're wondering if that's about you, it is). I also want to thank my best friend Connor (@secretlyconnormurphy on tumblr everyone go follow her) for being an amazing beta reader and helping me when i get stuck and providing motivation to actually write. this totally wouldn't have gotten finished without her. this is the first fanfiction i've ever published and honestly I couldn've have asked for a better response. so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. 
> 
> pls comment because the sentence "pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs" uses every letter in the alphabet
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns if you want to talk about the black hole universe or keep up to date with my other writings))
> 
> a lot of people have been asking me where i find all my little facts for the end part. so if you go to google and type in "i'm feeling curious" it just brings you to like a random fact generator thing and it's really fun to play around with. that's where i get like 90% of the facts i use.
> 
> the song that evan sang was stay with me by sam smith (with some minor lyric changes), and you can find ben platt singing it right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vGqavnHNUs
> 
> OH AND ONE MORE THING, THAT'S WORTH MENTIONING
> 
> I'm writing a prequel fic to Black Hole! It's from the POV of Evan, Alana, and Jared and it takes place when they're all meeting and becoming friends and forming Sincerely Me. It's not like shippy or anything but it would mean loads if you checked it out! it's called "Show Me Where It Hurts" and you can find it easy peasy by clicking on the "Sincerely Me: Live and In Concert" series tab 
> 
> TYSM, Love you all <3
> 
> Sincerely,  
> Kath


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